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General InformationEdit

Title "Pilot"
Format SubRip
Extension .srt
Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilot_(How_I_Met_Your_Mother)

SubtitlesEdit

​1
00:00:02,943 --> 00:00:06,283
Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story ;

2
00:00:06,283 --> 00:00:08,650
the story of how I met your mother.

3
00:00:08,650 --> 00:00:11,047
Are we being punished for something ?

4
00:00:11,047 --> 00:00:11,696
maya.

5
00:00:11,696 --> 00:00:13,671
Yeah, is this gonna take a while ?

6
00:00:13,671 --> 00:00:17,745
Yes. 25 years ago, before I was Dad,

7
00:00:17,745 --> 00:00:19,977
I had this whole other life.

8
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,959
It was way back in 2005.

9
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,878
I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect

10
00:00:28,878 --> 00:00:31,913
and living in New York  with Marshall,  my best friend from college.

11
00:00:31,913 --> 00:00:33,196
My life was good.

12
00:00:33,196 --> 00:00:36,127
And then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up.

13
00:00:37,097 --> 00:00:38,851
Will you marry me ?

14
00:00:39,652 --> 00:00:40,762
Yes. Perfect !

15
00:00:40,762 --> 00:00:42,930
And then you're engaged.
You pop the champagne.

16
00:00:42,930 --> 00:00:43,715
You drink a toast.

17
00:00:43,715 --> 00:00:45,638
You have sex on the kitchen floor.

18
00:00:45,638 --> 00:00:47,535
Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.

19
00:00:47,535 --> 00:00:48,271
Got it.

20
00:00:48,271 --> 00:00:49,817
Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

21
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:52,246
Dude, are you kidding ?
It's you and Lilly.

22
00:00:52,246 --> 00:00:54,834
I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lilly :

23
00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:59,503
night you met, your first date, other first things.

24
00:00:59,503 --> 00:01:02,440
Yeah, sorry.
We thought you were asleep.

25
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:03,546
It's physics, Marshall.

26
00:01:03,546 --> 00:01:06,421
If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too.

27
00:01:07,791 --> 00:01:09,122
My God.

28
00:01:09,983 --> 00:01:11,986
You're getting engaged tonight.

29
00:01:12,827 --> 00:01:15,649
Yeah. What are you doin' tonight ?

30
00:01:16,130 --> 00:01:17,646
What was I doing ?

31
00:01:17,646 --> 00:01:20,340
Here Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life.

32
00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:21,251
And me ?

33
00:01:21,251 --> 00:01:23,304
I'm calling up your Uncle Barney.

34
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:26,743
Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls ?

35
00:01:27,981 --> 00:01:32,089
Well, now I've got a new favorite... Lebanese girls.

36
00:01:32,089 --> 00:01:34,376
Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.

37
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,430
Hey, you want to do somethin' tonight ?

38
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,683
Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up !

39
00:01:43,666 --> 00:01:44,913
Where's your suit ?

40
00:01:44,913 --> 00:01:47,662
Just once, when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit.

41
00:01:47,662 --> 00:01:49,499
I did that one time.

42
00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,752
It was a blazer !

43
00:01:52,704 --> 00:01:56,220
You know, ever since college it's been, Marshall and Lilly and me.

44
00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:59,193
Now, it's gonna be Marshall and Lilly... and me.

45
00:01:59,193 --> 00:02:00,925
They'll get married, start a family.

46
00:02:00,925 --> 00:02:05,757
Before long, I'm that weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Ted.

47
00:02:07,858 --> 00:02:09,339
I see what this is about.

48
00:02:09,339 --> 00:02:11,773
Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met ?

49
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,618
Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.

50
00:02:17,348 --> 00:02:19,340
Barney. We met at the urinal.

51
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,766
Oh, right. Right.

52
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,859
Lesson one : lose the goatee.

53
00:02:22,859 --> 00:02:24,071
It doesn't go with your suit.

54
00:02:24,071 --> 00:02:26,890
- I'm not wearing a suit.
- Lesson two : get a suit.

55
00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:28,792
Suits are cool.
Exhibit "A."

56
00:02:29,472 --> 00:02:34,040
Lesson three : don't even think about getting married till you're 30.

57
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,417
30. Right. You're right.

58
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:38,315
I guess it's just, your best friend gets engaged,

59
00:02:38,315 --> 00:02:39,628
you start thinking about that stuff.

60
00:02:39,628 --> 00:02:41,379
I thought I was your best friend.

61
00:02:41,779 --> 00:02:44,853
Ted, say I'm your best friend.

62
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:46,965
You're my best friend, Barney.

63
00:02:46,965 --> 00:02:47,874
Good. Then, as your best friend,

64
00:02:47,874 --> 00:02:49,767
I suggest we play a little game I like to call

65
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,935
- "Have you met Ted ?"
- Wait. No, no, no.

66
00:02:51,935 --> 00:02:53,091
We're not playing "Have you met Ted ?"

67
00:02:53,091 --> 00:02:54,557
Hi, have you met Ted ?

68
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,780
Hi, I'm Ted.

69
00:02:57,780 --> 00:02:58,705
Yasmine.

70
00:02:58,705 --> 00:03:00,036
That's a very pretty name.

71
00:03:00,036 --> 00:03:01,928
Thanks. It's Lebanese.

72
00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:08,856
I'm exhausted.

73
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,559
It was finger-painting day at school,

74
00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:14,441
and a five year-old boy got to second base with me.

75
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,539
Wow ! You're cooking ?

76
00:03:17,539 --> 00:03:19,272
Yes, I am.

77
00:03:19,272 --> 00:03:20,424
Aw...

78
00:03:21,756 --> 00:03:23,093
Are you sure that's a good idea ?

79
00:03:23,093 --> 00:03:26,319
After last time, you looked really creepy without eyebrows.

80
00:03:26,910 --> 00:03:27,735
I can handle this.

81
00:03:27,735 --> 00:03:30,109
I think you'll find I'm full of surprises tonight.

82
00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:32,538
So, there's more surprises ?
Like what ?

83
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:34,679
Marshall was in his second year of law school,

84
00:03:34,679 --> 00:03:37,161
so he was pretty good  at thinking on his feet.

85
00:03:37,161 --> 00:03:38,520
Boogedyboo !

86
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,351
And that's all of 'em.

87
00:03:42,157 --> 00:03:44,069
I'm gonna go... cook.

88
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,586
I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am.

89
00:03:46,586 --> 00:03:48,863
I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.

90
00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:50,515
So, do you think you'll ever get married ?

91
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,452
Well, maybe eventually...

92
00:03:52,658 --> 00:03:55,707
some fall day, possibly in Central Park.

93
00:03:56,350 --> 00:03:58,438
Simple ceremony.
We'll write our own vows.

94
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,620
Band, no DJ.
People will dance !

95
00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:02,373
I'm not gonna worry about it !

96
00:04:03,442 --> 00:04:05,870
Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged ?

97
00:04:06,581 --> 00:04:09,970
Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh ?

98
00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:13,640
- Actually, I think it's cute.
- Well, you're clearly drunk.

99
00:04:14,035 --> 00:04:15,576
One more for the lady !

100
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,355
Oh, hey, look what I got.

101
00:04:22,341 --> 00:04:25,490
Oh, honey ! Champagne.

102
00:04:26,737 --> 00:04:27,626
Yeah.

103
00:04:29,118 --> 00:04:33,144
No. You are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.

104
00:04:33,144 --> 00:04:34,862
- I'm not scared.
- Then open it.

105
00:04:34,862 --> 00:04:35,952
Fine.

106
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:38,831
Please open it ?

107
00:04:39,301 --> 00:04:41,148
You are unbelievable, Marshall.

108
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,772
There are two big questions a man has to ask in life.

109
00:04:43,772 --> 00:04:45,554
One, you plan out for months.

110
00:04:45,554 --> 00:04:48,528
The other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar.

111
00:04:48,528 --> 00:04:49,920
Will you marry me ?

112
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,333
You wanna go out sometime ?

113
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:54,025
Of course, you idiot !

114
00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:57,836
I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend.

115
00:05:00,317 --> 00:05:01,529
'Sup, Carl ?

116
00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:07,934
I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.

117
00:05:08,963 --> 00:05:11,721
Did you know there's a Pop Tart under your fridge ?

118
00:05:11,721 --> 00:05:13,384
No, but dibs.

119
00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,037
Where's that champagne ?

120
00:05:16,758 --> 00:05:20,219
I wanna drink a toast with my fiancée.

121
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,138
I don't know why I was so scared of this.

122
00:05:25,568 --> 00:05:27,150
It's pretty easy, right ?

123
00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:31,487
Why am I freaking out all of a sudden ?

124
00:05:31,487 --> 00:05:33,865
This is crazy.
I'm not ready to settle down.

125
00:05:33,865 --> 00:05:36,409
How does Carl land a Lebanese girl ?

126
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:39,645
The plan has always been don't even think about it until you're 30.

127
00:05:39,645 --> 00:05:41,880
Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit.

128
00:05:42,450 --> 00:05:44,429
Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life.

129
00:05:44,429 --> 00:05:46,592
Even if I was ready, which I'm not...

130
00:05:46,592 --> 00:05:51,278
but if I was, it's, like, "Okay, I'm ready. Where is she ?"

131
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,499
And there she was.

132
00:06:04,571 --> 00:06:06,454
It was like something from an old movie,

133
00:06:06,454 --> 00:06:09,845
where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor,

134
00:06:09,845 --> 00:06:12,789
turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl ?

135
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,932
I'm gonna marry her someday."

136
00:06:15,286 --> 00:06:17,866
Hey, Barney, see that girl ?

137
00:06:17,866 --> 00:06:20,777
Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.

138
00:06:21,450 --> 00:06:22,425
Go say hi.

139
00:06:22,935 --> 00:06:24,377
I can't just go say hi.

140
00:06:24,377 --> 00:06:25,648
I need a plan.

141
00:06:25,648 --> 00:06:27,784
I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom,

142
00:06:27,784 --> 00:06:29,820
then I'll strategically place myself by the jukebox...

143
00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:31,291
Hi, have you met Ted ?

144
00:06:35,366 --> 00:06:38,230
Let me guess... Ted.

145
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,319
Sorry, Lilly.
I'm so sorry.

146
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:45,613
- Take us to the hospital.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

147
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:46,935
Did you hit her ?

148
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,278
Hit me ? Please !

149
00:06:50,278 --> 00:06:53,323
This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.

150
00:06:53,323 --> 00:06:56,003
He's all like, "Oh, honey. Did that hurt ?"

151
00:06:56,003 --> 00:06:58,798
And, I'm like, "Come on !
Let me have it, you pansy !"

152
00:06:59,838 --> 00:07:02,438
- Wow, a complete stranger.
- No, no, no, no ! It's okay.

153
00:07:02,438 --> 00:07:03,348
Go on.

154
00:07:03,809 --> 00:07:05,507
So, these, uh, spankings...

155
00:07:05,507 --> 00:07:08,502
you in pajamas or au naturel ?

156
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:10,946
So, what do you do ?

157
00:07:10,946 --> 00:07:13,120
I'm a reporter for Metro News One.

158
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,395
Well, kind of a reporter.

159
00:07:15,395 --> 00:07:17,864
I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news.

160
00:07:17,864 --> 00:07:19,357
You know, like, um...

161
00:07:19,938 --> 00:07:21,982
monkey who can play the ukulele.

162
00:07:22,077 --> 00:07:24,172
I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.

163
00:07:24,172 --> 00:07:26,978
Bigger, like, uh... gorilla with an upright bass ?

164
00:07:27,759 --> 00:07:29,422
Sorry. You're really pretty.

165
00:07:33,450 --> 00:07:35,128
Oh, your friends don't seem to happy.

166
00:07:35,128 --> 00:07:37,387
Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend.

167
00:07:37,387 --> 00:07:40,001
So, tonight, every guy is "the enemy."

168
00:07:40,355 --> 00:07:41,542
You know if it'll make your friend feel better,

169
00:07:41,542 --> 00:07:43,765
you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.

170
00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,777
She would love that !

171
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,219
And it does look fun in the movies.

172
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,502
Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night ?

173
00:07:50,502 --> 00:07:51,763
Oh, I can't.

174
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,876
I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday.

175
00:07:53,876 --> 00:07:56,339
Some guy's attempting to make the world's biggest pancake.

176
00:07:56,339 --> 00:07:57,903
Guess who's covering it ?

177
00:07:57,903 --> 00:07:59,044
That's gonna take a week ?

178
00:07:59,044 --> 00:08:01,081
Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too.
It's another record.

179
00:08:01,465 --> 00:08:03,659
Hey ! What's takin' so long ?

180
00:08:04,495 --> 00:08:07,380
Uh, I know this is a long shot, but how 'bout tomorrow night ?

181
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,324
Yeah. What the hell ?

182
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:17,856
Jerk !

183
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,167
That was fun.

184
00:08:21,478 --> 00:08:24,327
De... wait for it... nied !

185
00:08:24,327 --> 00:08:25,799
Denied !

186
00:08:26,243 --> 00:08:27,571
We're goin' out tomorrow night.

187
00:08:27,571 --> 00:08:30,085
I thought we were playin' laser tag tomorrow night.

188
00:08:30,085 --> 00:08:32,679
Yeah, I was never gonna go play laser tag.

189
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:39,342
The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.

190
00:08:40,774 --> 00:08:43,103
That is one badass blue French horn.

191
00:08:43,103 --> 00:08:43,758
Yeah.

192
00:08:44,109 --> 00:08:46,573
Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.

193
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,318
Son, a piece of advice :

194
00:08:49,318 --> 00:08:52,935
when you go on a first date, you really don't wanna say "Smurf penis."

195
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,484
Girls don't ordinarily like that.

196
00:08:56,907 --> 00:09:00,077
But this was no ordinary girl.

197
00:09:03,951 --> 00:09:04,709
Lilly ?

198
00:09:06,353 --> 00:09:08,537
How long have you been sitting there ?

199
00:09:08,537 --> 00:09:10,534
Stupid eye patch.

200
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:17,360
Mom, Dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.

201
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,749
Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman ?

202
00:09:19,749 --> 00:09:22,633
Now, let's see... she likes dogs ?

203
00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,175
I've got five dogs.

204
00:09:24,175 --> 00:09:25,110
She drinks scotch ?

205
00:09:25,110 --> 00:09:28,127
I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch.

206
00:09:28,127 --> 00:09:30,220
Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters ?

207
00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:34,118
Ray ! When someone asks you if you're a god, you say "Yes !"

208
00:09:35,299 --> 00:09:37,532
And I'm saving the best for last.

209
00:09:37,532 --> 00:09:40,096
Do you want these ?
I hate olives.

210
00:09:40,096 --> 00:09:42,126
She hates olives ! Awesome !

211
00:09:42,126 --> 00:09:43,979
The olive theory.

212
00:09:43,979 --> 00:09:46,885
The olive theory is based on my friends Marshall and Lilly.

213
00:09:46,885 --> 00:09:48,648
He hates olives, she loves them.

214
00:09:48,648 --> 00:09:50,592
In a weird way, that's what makes them such a great couple.

215
00:09:50,592 --> 00:09:52,134
Perfect balance.

216
00:09:53,130 --> 00:09:57,238
You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.

217
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,487
I could take 'em off your hands.

218
00:10:01,941 --> 00:10:03,365
They're all yours.

219
00:10:03,761 --> 00:10:05,534
Oh, it is on !

220
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:08,324
It is on till the break of dawn.

221
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:10,835
But wait.

222
00:10:10,835 --> 00:10:13,480
It's only the break of 10:30.
What happened ?

223
00:10:14,436 --> 00:10:17,702
I gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace.

224
00:10:17,702 --> 00:10:19,550
It's gotta be blue.
It's gotta be French.

225
00:10:19,550 --> 00:10:20,867
- No green clarinet ?
- Nope.

226
00:10:20,867 --> 00:10:22,470
Come on. No purple tuba ?

227
00:10:22,470 --> 00:10:24,613
It's a Smurf penis or no dice.

228
00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:26,912
There you are !

229
00:10:26,912 --> 00:10:28,062
We got a jumper.

230
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:30,066
Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge.

231
00:10:30,066 --> 00:10:31,679
Come on. You're coverin' it !

232
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,573
Um... all right.
I'll be right there.

233
00:10:35,754 --> 00:10:37,010
I'm sorry.

234
00:10:37,891 --> 00:10:39,996
I had a really great time tonight.

235
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,167
Yeah.

236
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,250
So ?! Did you kiss her ?

237
00:10:44,614 --> 00:10:46,522
No. The moment wasn't right.

238
00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:48,870
Look, this woman could actually be my future wife.

239
00:10:48,870 --> 00:10:50,454
I want our first kiss to be amazing.

240
00:10:50,454 --> 00:10:53,293
Aw, Ted, that is so sweet.

241
00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:55,837
So you chickened out like a little bitch.

242
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,713
What ? I did not chicken out.

243
00:10:59,713 --> 00:11:00,376
You know what ?

244
00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:03,126
I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate

245
00:11:03,126 --> 00:11:05,254
who hasn't been single since the first week of college.

246
00:11:05,254 --> 00:11:07,945
Anyone who's single would tell you the same thing,

247
00:11:07,945 --> 00:11:10,566
even the dumbest single person alive.

248
00:11:10,566 --> 00:11:13,089
And if you don't believe me, call him.

249
00:11:14,933 --> 00:11:15,729
Hey, loser.

250
00:11:15,729 --> 00:11:16,925
How's not playing laser tag ?

251
00:11:16,925 --> 00:11:19,300
Because playing laser tag is awesome !

252
00:11:19,859 --> 00:11:22,180
- Oh, I killed you, Conner !
- Don't make me get your mom !

253
00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:24,350
Hey, listen.
I need your opinion on something.

254
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,977
Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes.

255
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,109
And suit up !

256
00:11:28,450 --> 00:11:30,589
So, these guys think I chickened out.

257
00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:31,741
What do you think ?

258
00:11:31,741 --> 00:11:35,710
I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.

259
00:11:36,831 --> 00:11:38,171
She didn't even give me the signal.

260
00:11:38,171 --> 00:11:41,157
What, is she gonna, she gonna bat her eyes ayou in Morse code ?

261
00:11:41,157 --> 00:11:46,363
"Ted... kiss me."
No ! You just kiss her !

262
00:11:46,363 --> 00:11:48,457
Not if you don't get the signal.

263
00:11:51,571 --> 00:11:53,269
Did Marshall give me the signal ?

264
00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:55,773
No ! I didn't. I swear.

265
00:11:57,711 --> 00:11:58,848
But, see, at least tonight,

266
00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:00,471
I get to sleep knowing Marshall and me,

267
00:12:00,471 --> 00:12:01,286
never gonna happen.

268
00:12:01,286 --> 00:12:02,613
You should have kissed her.

269
00:12:03,220 --> 00:12:04,737
Oh, I should have kissed her.

270
00:12:04,737 --> 00:12:06,927
Well, maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando.

271
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,292
A week ? That's like a year in hot girl time.

272
00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:10,560
She'll forget all about you.

273
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:14,037
Mark my words... you will never see that one again.

274
00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:15,709
There she is.

275
00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:18,886
Ooh ! She's cute.
Hey, Carl, turn it up.

276
00:12:18,886 --> 00:12:20,938
...persuaded him to reconsider.

277
00:12:20,938 --> 00:12:23,092
At which point, the man came down off the ledge,

278
00:12:23,092 --> 00:12:26,109
giving this bizarre story a happy ending.

279
00:12:26,109 --> 00:12:28,650
- Reporting from Metro One News...
- Guy didn't jump.

280
00:12:30,365 --> 00:12:31,737
I'm gonna go kiss her.

281
00:12:32,122 --> 00:12:32,927
Right now.

282
00:12:32,927 --> 00:12:34,370
Look, dude.
It's midnight.

283
00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:38,287
As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you that's freakin' crazy.

284
00:12:38,287 --> 00:12:39,835
I never do anything crazy.

285
00:12:39,835 --> 00:12:42,486
I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment.

286
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:43,921
Well, she's leaving tomorrow.

287
00:12:43,921 --> 00:12:45,484
This may be the only moment I'm gonna get.

288
00:12:46,084 --> 00:12:47,411
I gotta do what that guy couldn't.

289
00:12:47,411 --> 00:12:49,179
I gotta take the leap !

290
00:12:50,181 --> 00:12:51,460
Okay, not a perfect metaphor,

291
00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:53,028
'cause for me it's fall in love and get married,

292
00:12:53,028 --> 00:12:55,164
and for him it's... death.

293
00:12:56,117 --> 00:12:57,890
Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.

294
00:12:58,475 --> 00:13:00,677
By the way, did I congratulate you two ?

295
00:13:02,355 --> 00:13:03,885
I'm doing this.

296
00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:05,145
Let's go.

297
00:13:05,145 --> 00:13:06,980
- Word up.
- We're coming with you.

298
00:13:07,950 --> 00:13:08,868
Barney ?

299
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,645
All right, but under one condition.

300
00:13:14,150 --> 00:13:16,839
Look at you, you beautiful bastard. You suited up !

301
00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,687
This is totally going in my blog !

302
00:13:19,988 --> 00:13:20,725
Stop the car.

303
00:13:20,725 --> 00:13:22,228
Uh, pull over right here.

304
00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:25,154
I gotta do something.

305
00:13:26,008 --> 00:13:28,091
Excuse me. Pardon me. Just a sec'.

306
00:13:28,571 --> 00:13:29,783
Enjoy your coffee.

307
00:13:32,066 --> 00:13:33,480
Go ! Go ! Go !

308
00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:38,267
Everybody brings flowers.

309
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:48,150
Okay.

310
00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:49,403
Moment of truth.

311
00:13:50,373 --> 00:13:51,436
Wish me luck.

312
00:13:51,436 --> 00:13:54,371
Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter.

313
00:13:54,371 --> 00:13:56,930
"This just in." Okay.

314
00:14:00,069 --> 00:14:02,018
Kiss her, Ted !
Kiss her good !

315
00:14:02,018 --> 00:14:03,446
Kiss the crap outta that girl !

316
00:14:03,446 --> 00:14:05,666
Marshall, remember this night.

317
00:14:05,666 --> 00:14:07,931
When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech,

318
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,135
you're gonna tell this story.

319
00:14:11,858 --> 00:14:13,622
Why does he get to be the best man ?

320
00:14:13,622 --> 00:14:15,766
I'm your best friend !

321
00:14:16,744 --> 00:14:20,362
As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my mind.

322
00:14:20,362 --> 00:14:22,947
Unfortunately, one particular  thought did not.

323
00:14:22,947 --> 00:14:24,800
I've got five dogs.

324
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,385
Not good. Not good.

325
00:14:28,385 --> 00:14:30,130
- No !
- Get back in there !

326
00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:31,824
You're wearing a suit !

327
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:36,569
Ted ?

328
00:14:37,606 --> 00:14:38,507
Hi.

329
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,584
I was just, uh...

330
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,107
Come on up.

331
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:51,353
He's in.

332
00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:53,745
So...

333
00:14:53,745 --> 00:14:57,052
Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl ?

334
00:14:57,052 --> 00:14:59,386
Okay, that's my Barney limit.

335
00:14:59,386 --> 00:15:02,030
I'm gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom.

336
00:15:02,780 --> 00:15:05,776
Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.

337
00:15:05,776 --> 00:15:07,350
The women hot there ?

338
00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:09,783
Here's a picture of my wife.

339
00:15:11,849 --> 00:15:13,883
A simple "no" would have sufficed.

340
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,583
She's lovely.

341
00:15:17,894 --> 00:15:22,758
So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn at 1:00 in the morning in a suit ?

342
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,980
I was just hoping to...

343
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,218
get those olives...

344
00:15:28,689 --> 00:15:30,142
that you said I could have.

345
00:15:30,843 --> 00:15:33,329
Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth ?

346
00:15:33,863 --> 00:15:35,956
Are you trying to get me drunk ?

347
00:15:40,092 --> 00:15:41,444
For starters.

348
00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:52,674
So, Marshall, this olive theory, based on you and Lilly ?

349
00:15:52,674 --> 00:15:54,302
You hate olives.

350
00:15:54,302 --> 00:15:56,326
Lilly loves 'em.
You can't stand 'em.

351
00:15:56,326 --> 00:15:57,738
Yeah. Hate olives.

352
00:15:57,738 --> 00:16:02,574
Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th street, dish of olives, you had some... what up ?

353
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,143
You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.

354
00:16:09,143 --> 00:16:11,236
- I swear.
- I swear.

355
00:16:13,229 --> 00:16:15,829
On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad.

356
00:16:15,829 --> 00:16:17,810
Lilly asked if she could have my olives.

357
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:22,309
- I said, "Sure. I hate olives."
- But, you like olives.

358
00:16:22,309 --> 00:16:24,899
Well, I was 18, okay ?
I was a virgin.

359
00:16:24,899 --> 00:16:28,251
Been waitin' my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.

360
00:16:29,408 --> 00:16:31,973
Marshall, I'm gonna give you an early wedding present.

361
00:16:32,564 --> 00:16:34,218
Don't get married.

362
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:44,909
I think I like your olive theory.

363
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,689
I think I like your new French horn.

364
00:16:48,739 --> 00:16:50,637
I think I like your nose.

365
00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:53,932
I think I'm in love with you.

366
00:16:53,932 --> 00:16:56,758
What ?! What ?! What ?!

367
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,300
Come on, man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right ?

368
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:00,671
You know what that is.

369
00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:01,437
Hunger.

370
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,361
You're hungry for experience.

371
00:17:03,361 --> 00:17:04,933
Hungry for something new.

372
00:17:04,933 --> 00:17:07,099
Hungry for olives.

373
00:17:07,538 --> 00:17:10,333
But you're too scared to do anything about it.

374
00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:12,266
Yeah, I'm scared, okay ?

375
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:16,344
But, when I think of spending the rest of my life with Lilly...

376
00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:19,971
committing, forever, no other women...

377
00:17:20,571 --> 00:17:22,504
doesn't scare me at all.

378
00:17:23,256 --> 00:17:25,318
I'm marrying that girl.

379
00:17:26,782 --> 00:17:28,017
Lilly.

380
00:17:28,969 --> 00:17:30,754
Lilly, I like olives.

381
00:17:31,544 --> 00:17:33,357
We'll make it work.

382
00:17:45,622 --> 00:17:47,996
So, Orlando.
You gonna hit Disneyworld ?

383
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,419
You love me ?!

384
00:17:52,129 --> 00:17:53,885
I-I-I can't believe I said that.

385
00:17:53,885 --> 00:17:56,451
Why did I say that ?
Who says that ?

386
00:17:56,991 --> 00:17:58,419
I should just go.

387
00:17:58,419 --> 00:17:59,616
Hold on.

388
00:17:59,616 --> 00:18:01,088
Wait a minute.

389
00:18:03,702 --> 00:18:04,983
Promised you these.

390
00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:08,104
Olives.
Thanks. I love you.

391
00:18:08,104 --> 00:18:10,175
What is wrong with me ?

392
00:18:11,992 --> 00:18:13,190
Why are we still sitting here ?

393
00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:14,891
Let's go. We can still make last call.

394
00:18:14,891 --> 00:18:15,789
What do you say, Lil ?

395
00:18:15,789 --> 00:18:18,440
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum ?

396
00:18:20,982 --> 00:18:22,214
'Cause you're a pirate.

397
00:18:22,659 --> 00:18:24,613
Okay, eye patch, gone.

398
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,440
And we can't just abandon Ted.

399
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,296
If it doesn't go well up there, he's gonna need some support.

400
00:18:30,296 --> 00:18:32,183
It's been, like, 20 minutes.

401
00:18:32,183 --> 00:18:33,540
You think they're doin' it ?

402
00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:34,977
You think they're doin' it in front of the dogs ?

403
00:18:34,977 --> 00:18:36,340
Doggy style.

404
00:18:36,684 --> 00:18:38,803
Hey, there was a girl in college, she had this golden retriever...

405
00:18:38,803 --> 00:18:41,344
Okay, we can go to the bar.
Just stop talking.

406
00:18:41,344 --> 00:18:42,578
Hit it, Ranjit.

407
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,071
So, when you tell this story to your friends,

408
00:18:50,071 --> 00:18:52,235
could you avoid the word "psycho ?"

409
00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:55,308
I'd prefer. "eccentric."

410
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,919
Good night... psycho.

411
00:19:02,322 --> 00:19:03,099
Great.

412
00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:04,881
Um, how do I get to the F train ?

413
00:19:05,286 --> 00:19:09,410
Oh, um, two blocks that way and take a right.

414
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,065
You know what ?

415
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,210
I'm done being single.

416
00:19:17,679 --> 00:19:19,122
I'm not good at it.

417
00:19:19,122 --> 00:19:22,954
Look, obviously, you can't tell a woman you just met you love her.

418
00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:25,872
But... it sucks that you can't.

419
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:28,180
I'll tell you something, though.

420
00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:32,104
If a woman... not you, just some hypothetical woman...

421
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:33,967
were to bear with me through all this,

422
00:19:34,952 --> 00:19:36,610
I think I'd make a damn good husband.

423
00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:38,493
Because, that's the stuff I'd be good at,

424
00:19:38,493 --> 00:19:42,101
stuff like making her laugh and being a good father.

425
00:19:43,421 --> 00:19:45,677
And walking her five hypothetical dogs.

426
00:19:47,438 --> 00:19:48,795
Being a good kisser.

427
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,930
Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.

428
00:19:51,930 --> 00:19:53,568
Oh, I've got references.

429
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:55,949
Good night, Ted.

430
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,799
And I'm a good handshaker.

431
00:20:04,799 --> 00:20:07,365
That's a pretty great handshake.

432
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:12,105
And that was it.

433
00:20:12,105 --> 00:20:13,989
I'll probably never see her again.

434
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,807
What ?

435
00:20:17,807 --> 00:20:19,047
That was the signal.

436
00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:22,952
That long, lingering handshake ?
You should have kissed her.

437
00:20:23,197 --> 00:20:25,249
There's no such thing as "the signal."

438
00:20:25,651 --> 00:20:27,564
But, yeah, that was the signal.

439
00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:29,607
Signal.

440
00:20:30,621 --> 00:20:32,174
Ah, Carl, thank you.

441
00:20:32,174 --> 00:20:34,143
Something I gotta do.

442
00:20:35,118 --> 00:20:37,683
By the way, you should have kissed her.

443
00:20:38,038 --> 00:20:40,182
Carl ! You guys weren't there.

444
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:44,760
I am so turned on right now.

445
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,423
Guys, trust me.

446
00:20:46,423 --> 00:20:47,894
I've seen the signal.

447
00:20:47,894 --> 00:20:49,573
That was not the signal.

448
00:20:49,573 --> 00:20:51,592
Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore.

449
00:20:52,843 --> 00:20:56,171
- To my fiancée.
- To the future.

450
00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,084
To one hell of a night !

451
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,014
That was not the signal.

452
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:06,435
I asked her about it years later.

453
00:21:06,435 --> 00:21:08,606
And, yeah, that was the signal.

454
00:21:08,606 --> 00:21:10,164
I could have kissed her.

455
00:21:10,164 --> 00:21:12,126
But that's the funny thing about destiny.

456
00:21:12,126 --> 00:21:14,250
It happens whether you plan it or not.

457
00:21:14,250 --> 00:21:16,224
I mean, I never thought I'd see that girl again,

458
00:21:16,224 --> 00:21:19,074
but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle

459
00:21:19,074 --> 00:21:20,898
to see the picture that was forming.

460
00:21:20,898 --> 00:21:25,457
Because, that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin.

461
00:21:26,848 --> 00:21:28,180
Aunt Robin ?

462
00:21:28,180 --> 00:21:30,265
I thought this was how you met mom !

463
00:21:30,265 --> 00:21:32,397
Will you relax ?
I'm getting to it.

464
00:21:32,742 --> 00:21:36,619
Like I said, it's a long story.