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General InformationEdit

Title "Drumroll, Please"
Format SubRip
Extension .srt
Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drumroll,_Please

SubtitlesEdit

1
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Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments.

2
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:19,409
And they make life worth living.

3
00:00:19,606 --> 00:00:20,725
But here's the problem:

4
00:00:21,010 --> 00:00:22,214
moments pass,

5
00:00:22,685 --> 00:00:25,393
and lurking just around the corner from those moments

6
00:00:25,476 --> 00:00:29,227
is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality.

7
00:00:29,623 --> 00:00:31,979
And so, back in 2006,

8
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on the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding,

9
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,294
reality was the enemy.

10
00:00:36,566 --> 00:00:38,677
Wow. The Peace Corps?

11
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Yeah. I ship out tomorrow-- two years.

12
00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:46,453
You know, some people say the Peace Corps is the most noble thing a person can do.

13
00:00:46,533 --> 00:00:48,627
To those people, I say, "Is it?"

14
00:00:48,728 --> 00:00:51,504
And usually they say, "Yes, it is."

15
00:00:52,091 --> 00:00:53,953
Barney, they are so right.

16
00:00:54,101 --> 00:00:55,964
I wish there was something I could do.

17
00:00:56,293 --> 00:00:57,535
Oh, Tanya...

18
00:00:57,757 --> 00:00:59,508
I'm so glad you said that.

19
00:01:01,035 --> 00:01:03,653
This wasn't how I'd thought the night would turn out.

20
00:01:04,279 --> 00:01:07,411
This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin.

21
00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,444
But then reality came along.

22
00:01:10,396 --> 00:01:13,883
Robin got called up last-minute to anchor the 11:00 news.

23
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It was her big break.

24
00:01:15,586 --> 00:01:18,025
And I went to the wedding stag.

25
00:01:18,406 --> 00:01:20,913
Then, when I least expected it...

26
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:34,531
Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?

27
00:01:34,633 --> 00:01:37,743
I had the most amazing night ever.

28
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Tell me about it. That cake. Best cake I ever had.

29
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Seriously. My stomach was, like,

30
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:45,243
"Hey, bro, I don't know what you're eating, 'cause I don't have any eyes,

31
00:01:45,324 --> 00:01:48,250
but it's basically awesome, so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."

32
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Yeah, I know.

33
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:53,649
My stomach was, like, "Girlfriend, we don't always get along, but that cake..."

34
00:01:53,727 --> 00:01:54,587
Lily.

35
00:01:55,496 --> 00:01:58,799
Oh, right. "Most amazing night ever," and go.

36
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:02,112
You know, I should tell you, I have a rule.

37
00:02:02,405 --> 00:02:04,413
I never hook up at weddings.

38
00:02:04,963 --> 00:02:07,068
I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule.

39
00:02:07,289 --> 00:02:10,759
Well, here's the thing, those big romantic moments,

40
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they're great when they happen, but they're not real.

41
00:02:13,812 --> 00:02:17,723
Exactly, exactly-- like-like just now, when I saw you doing the chicken dance out there,

42
00:02:17,819 --> 00:02:20,331
I'm not gonna lie to you, big-time thunderbolt.

43
00:02:20,418 --> 00:02:22,411
Mm. You should see me tap dance.

44
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You'd be down on bended knee.

45
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Sadly not out of character.

46
00:02:26,931 --> 00:02:29,115
But I know now it's just a mirage.

47
00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:30,653
Wedding goggles.

48
00:02:30,847 --> 00:02:34,523
Exactly. And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm not putting the moves on you.

49
00:02:34,748 --> 00:02:36,035
This isn't the moves?

50
00:02:36,124 --> 00:02:37,798
What, you... you think this is the moves?

51
00:02:37,882 --> 00:02:39,660
Believe me, you'd know the moves.

52
00:02:39,744 --> 00:02:42,288
People ten tables away would know the moves.

53
00:02:42,387 --> 00:02:43,993
Oh, that's too bad.

54
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:45,201
Tell me about it.

55
00:02:45,962 --> 00:02:49,131
You know, I think... I have a solution.

56
00:02:49,225 --> 00:02:50,244
Interested.

57
00:02:50,352 --> 00:02:54,329
And to preface this, we're not gonna sleep together tonight.

58
00:02:54,410 --> 00:02:55,681
Less interested.

59
00:02:56,645 --> 00:02:57,288
Go ahead.

60
00:02:57,376 --> 00:02:58,218
Okay.

61
00:02:58,356 --> 00:03:01,933
So the thing that always screws it up is the next day.

62
00:03:02,025 --> 00:03:03,905
Right? So...

63
00:03:04,068 --> 00:03:06,764
Why don't we just cut that part out?

64
00:03:06,867 --> 00:03:07,629
What are you saying?

65
00:03:07,722 --> 00:03:12,974
I'm saying, I'm here, you're here, this is a big romantic wedding--

66
00:03:13,055 --> 00:03:16,706
why don't we just dance and have a great time,

67
00:03:16,790 --> 00:03:19,844
and then when it's over, never see each other again.

68
00:03:21,751 --> 00:03:24,463
- Unless...
- No. No unless.

69
00:03:24,585 --> 00:03:28,408
No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names.

70
00:03:28,726 --> 00:03:34,035
Tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished.

71
00:03:34,377 --> 00:03:37,158
And then... when we're old and gray,

72
00:03:37,276 --> 00:03:39,355
we'll look back on this night

73
00:03:39,468 --> 00:03:41,035
and it'll be perfect.

74
00:03:42,909 --> 00:03:43,674
Wow.

75
00:03:46,169 --> 00:03:47,604
- Okay, I'm in.
- Okay.

76
00:03:47,702 --> 00:03:49,731
I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?

77
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:53,013
Um... you can call me Buttercup.

78
00:03:53,647 --> 00:03:55,333
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.

79
00:03:55,438 --> 00:03:57,607
I'm... Lando Calrissian.

80
00:03:59,122 --> 00:04:01,803
Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded...

81
00:04:01,902 --> 00:04:03,698
Ted, Ted, Ted. Look, I got a bridesmaid.

82
00:04:03,794 --> 00:04:06,030
Ted, look, look, Ted, the second hottest bridesmaid.

83
00:04:06,128 --> 00:04:07,371
Ted, look. See ya, Ted.

84
00:04:11,357 --> 00:04:12,502
So, I'm Ted.

85
00:04:12,912 --> 00:04:13,941
Victoria.

86
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:17,078
- But no last names.
- No last names.

87
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:21,736
Oh, what is wrong with you?

88
00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:25,994
Dude, that is just, like... a weenie-ass idea.

89
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,359
No, it was awesome-- I had a great night,

90
00:04:28,459 --> 00:04:30,962
I'm never gonna see her again, and there's no way to ruin it.

91
00:04:31,365 --> 00:04:32,913
Ted, how do I explain this to you?

92
00:04:34,538 --> 00:04:36,484
Last night I ate the best cake of my life.

93
00:04:36,757 --> 00:04:38,369
Now, you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life?

94
00:04:38,409 --> 00:04:40,252
Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake,

95
00:04:40,332 --> 00:04:42,150
and then I'm gonna get some more cake.

96
00:04:42,797 --> 00:04:44,628
That cake really got to you, huh?

97
00:04:44,847 --> 00:04:46,088
It haunts me.

98
00:04:47,443 --> 00:04:49,267
So, what happened next?

99
00:04:49,708 --> 00:04:50,437
Okay.

100
00:04:51,285 --> 00:04:53,075
Ground rules have been established.

101
00:04:53,257 --> 00:04:56,419
Now let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about.

102
00:05:03,112 --> 00:05:04,354
Wait,  wait, wait, wait, wait.

103
00:05:05,379 --> 00:05:09,800
Let's do all the single ladies in this joint a big favor and steal the bouquet.

104
00:05:09,888 --> 00:05:12,959
Yes, but we'll need... a diversion.

105
00:05:13,735 --> 00:05:16,016
- Kiss!
- Kiss!

106
00:05:17,545 --> 00:05:19,389
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

107
00:05:19,483 --> 00:05:20,441
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

108
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:23,254
So  that's what happened to the bouquet.

109
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You know, good for Victoria. It's such an evil tradition.

110
00:05:28,030 --> 00:05:29,361
You're not gonna do it at your wedding?

111
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:32,715
Hell, yeah, I'm gonna take that flower-grenade and chuck it into the crowd

112
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and scream, "Crawl for it, bitches!"

113
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,661
That's just what girls do.

114
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,241
So, where'd you guys go?

115
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Very nice.

116
00:05:52,549 --> 00:05:53,435
Yeah?

117
00:05:56,098 --> 00:05:57,343
Okay, I don't really know how to tap dance.

118
00:05:57,395 --> 00:05:59,033
I couldn't tell. Really.

119
00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:04,393
Well, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight.

120
00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:07,193
Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some.

121
00:06:07,281 --> 00:06:08,366
No, you couldn't.

122
00:06:08,937 --> 00:06:10,034
You're a dude.

123
00:06:10,786 --> 00:06:12,635
- I could get some.
- You could totally get some.

124
00:06:18,425 --> 00:06:19,933
We're not gonna kiss tonight.

125
00:06:22,345 --> 00:06:26,017
If-if we kiss, all of this becomes real.

126
00:06:26,122 --> 00:06:28,589
You-you might use too much tongue.

127
00:06:29,034 --> 00:06:32,211
I might not use enough. And then suddenly, poof, spell's broken.

128
00:06:32,297 --> 00:06:34,750
I will use exactly the right amount of tongue.

129
00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:38,167
Okay, how about this?

130
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The best part of any first kiss is the lead-up to it.

131
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The moment right before the lips touch. It's like a big drumroll.

132
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So... how about tonight, we just stick with the drumroll?

133
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Okay.

134
00:07:00,417 --> 00:07:01,587
But we can't kiss.

135
00:07:02,636 --> 00:07:04,037
Okay.

136
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,812
A drumroll?

137
00:07:26,036 --> 00:07:27,029
That's it?

138
00:07:27,367 --> 00:07:31,061
So, what, you just... you said good night, came home and...

139
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performed a drum solo?

140
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:36,672
Oh, Ted, you're such a doof!

141
00:07:36,770 --> 00:07:38,587
I mean, this girl sounds amazing.

142
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She was completely amazing.

143
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:44,769
She was amazing and funny, and we connected on every level,

144
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and I'm never gonna see her again.

145
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Damn it, I have to see her again!

146
00:07:50,233 --> 00:07:51,497
- Yes!
- Yes!

147
00:07:52,290 --> 00:07:54,647
So let's get to work, man. What else do you know about her?

148
00:07:54,743 --> 00:07:57,292
Nothing. Her name's Victoria-- that's all I got.

149
00:07:57,409 --> 00:07:59,129
Wait, Claudia, Claudia would know.

150
00:07:59,223 --> 00:08:00,641
Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon.

151
00:08:00,728 --> 00:08:02,601
She'll be back in two weeks-- call her then.

152
00:08:02,687 --> 00:08:04,698
Yes, two weeks. Good idea.

153
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:05,751
I'm calling her now.

154
00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:08,402
No, Ted, you don't mess with a honeymoon.

155
00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:09,876
Yeah, come on, dude.

156
00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:11,103
Ask her about the cake.

157
00:08:14,405 --> 00:08:15,165
Ted?

158
00:08:15,278 --> 00:08:19,185
Hey, Claudia! Great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff.

159
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,268
How's the honeymoon? Listen, I'm calling because last night I met this girl,

160
00:08:22,344 --> 00:08:24,250
and I was wondering if you had...

161
00:08:24,345 --> 00:08:27,382
Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me!

162
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:28,741
Aw, here we go.

163
00:08:28,847 --> 00:08:33,557
24 hours ago, you were begging... begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding,

164
00:08:33,657 --> 00:08:35,633
and now, well, uh, you're over her?

165
00:08:36,069 --> 00:08:37,275
I've moved on?

166
00:08:38,396 --> 00:08:39,233
What was her name?

167
00:08:39,318 --> 00:08:40,285
Is it my fat cousin Lindsay?

168
00:08:40,384 --> 00:08:42,040
Don't be embarrassed-- she has pretty eyes.

169
00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:45,302
Uh, no. Her name was Victoria. I don't know her last name.

170
00:08:45,403 --> 00:08:49,583
Well, lucky for you, I know that guest list backwards and forwards.

171
00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:50,795
Thank God.

172
00:08:51,303 --> 00:08:55,035
Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding. Good-bye, Ted.

173
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,394
There was no Victoria at the wedding.

174
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:06,434
Maybe she used a second fake name.

175
00:09:06,517 --> 00:09:08,826
Oh, she's good, she's very good.

176
00:09:08,913 --> 00:09:10,255
Maybe she was ghost.

177
00:09:10,632 --> 00:09:12,592
That's why she didn't want to kiss you--

178
00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:15,291
because you'd just pass right through her and feel really cold for a second.

179
00:09:15,378 --> 00:09:17,765
Oh, my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.

180
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,095
Marshall... she was not a ghost!

181
00:09:20,407 --> 00:09:21,819
I know that she wasn't a ghost.

182
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,585
She picked up a bouquet, proving she had corporeal form.

183
00:09:25,905 --> 00:09:28,179
Wait-wait! She was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids.

184
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,393
She must've been at their table. Maybe they know who she was.

185
00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:33,009
Great. So how do we get in touch with the bridesmaids?

186
00:09:37,186 --> 00:09:39,789
This better be good-- I am about to enter Nirvana.

187
00:09:39,935 --> 00:09:42,597
By the way, I should get you Nirvana's phone number. She gives a great massage.

188
00:09:42,681 --> 00:09:43,632
Say what?!

189
00:09:43,744 --> 00:09:45,166
- Barney!
- Ow!

190
00:09:45,895 --> 00:09:48,803
I know the house rules. Es un chiste!

191
00:09:49,492 --> 00:09:52,418
Listen, Barney, I saw you talking to that bridesmaid last night.

192
00:09:52,498 --> 00:09:53,920
Did you happen to get her phone number?

193
00:09:54,014 --> 00:09:55,188
You know I did.

194
00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:58,087
Great! Um, I'm gonna need you to call her for me.

195
00:09:58,184 --> 00:09:59,898
You know I won't.

196
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:01,484
Why not?

197
00:10:01,682 --> 00:10:03,523
Because  we just hooked up last night.

198
00:10:03,632 --> 00:10:05,545
I can't call the girl the next day.

199
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:08,407
I have to wait at least, like... forever.

200
00:10:08,502 --> 00:10:10,513
Oh, snap! Never gonna call her.

201
00:10:11,146 --> 00:10:13,184
Besides, she thinks I'm on my way to India.

202
00:10:13,339 --> 00:10:16,294
Oh, come on, Barney, it's for a good cause.

203
00:10:16,388 --> 00:10:22,089
Uh,  Ted going all castrati over yet another girl is exactly not a good cause.

204
00:10:22,203 --> 00:10:24,263
Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you-- my hands are tied.

205
00:10:24,364 --> 00:10:26,218
Oh, no, wait-- that was last night.

206
00:10:28,592 --> 00:10:30,594
Okay, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

207
00:10:30,872 --> 00:10:33,715
You make this call and I will go with you...

208
00:10:34,646 --> 00:10:36,304
to Foxy Boxing.

209
00:10:36,879 --> 00:10:38,241
- Really?
- Yeah.

210
00:10:38,439 --> 00:10:42,090
But you always said the Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy not good at boxing.

211
00:10:42,197 --> 00:10:43,614
I'm ready to be proven wrong.

212
00:10:44,338 --> 00:10:45,720
- Tonight?
- Tonight.

213
00:10:45,963 --> 00:10:46,836
Dial.

214
00:10:47,769 --> 00:10:50,575
Yeah, Tanya, turns out I don't leave for the Peace Corps till tomorrow.

215
00:10:51,312 --> 00:10:53,206
Yeah, I know. It sucks.

216
00:10:53,295 --> 00:10:55,454
Just one fewer day I get to help people.

217
00:10:56,236 --> 00:10:58,097
Anyway, this girl-- any idea who she was?

218
00:10:59,148 --> 00:10:59,953
Hold on.

219
00:11:00,225 --> 00:11:02,874
What kind of shoes was sh... No, Tanya, he's a dude.

220
00:11:02,970 --> 00:11:05,109
He's not going to know what kind of shoes she was wearing.

221
00:11:05,212 --> 00:11:06,202
Actually...

222
00:11:06,346 --> 00:11:07,839
Oh, come on.

223
00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:09,400
Hey!

224
00:11:11,942 --> 00:11:13,266
So what do you want to do next?

225
00:11:13,481 --> 00:11:15,384
Don't think. First thing that comes into your mind.

226
00:11:17,227 --> 00:11:19,817
Hold... this...

227
00:11:20,318 --> 00:11:21,406
and this...

228
00:11:23,108 --> 00:11:24,054
Whoa!

229
00:11:24,913 --> 00:11:26,019
There she goes.

230
00:11:26,796 --> 00:11:31,320
Apparently she was wearing brown shoes...

231
00:11:31,973 --> 00:11:34,203
...with little snowflakes on them.

232
00:11:35,783 --> 00:11:37,602
Yeah, they do sound cute.

233
00:11:38,441 --> 00:11:39,845
Any idea who...?

234
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,636
Okay. Well, thanks anyway.

235
00:11:42,775 --> 00:11:43,769
Yeah, you take ca...

236
00:11:43,993 --> 00:11:44,708
What's...?

237
00:11:45,466 --> 00:11:46,253
Tonight?

238
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:50,431
Well, I'm shipping out pretty early, so I won't be able to stay over,

239
00:11:50,511 --> 00:11:51,550
but, yeah, sure, I'd love to.

240
00:11:52,323 --> 00:11:53,849
Okay. I'll talk to you later.

241
00:11:54,596 --> 00:11:56,530
Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make Foxy Boxing tonight.

242
00:11:56,635 --> 00:11:57,594
I understand.

243
00:11:57,955 --> 00:12:00,120
Okay, uh, let's not lose hope.

244
00:12:00,199 --> 00:12:02,962
We'll call the hotel. Maybe she was staying there.

245
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:06,051
We'll have them check the registry for anyone named Victoria.

246
00:12:06,149 --> 00:12:08,087
Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori...

247
00:12:08,181 --> 00:12:09,067
Or Ictor.

248
00:12:10,483 --> 00:12:12,980
She probably doesn't go by "Ictor."

249
00:12:15,196 --> 00:12:16,272
No, you know what?

250
00:12:16,558 --> 00:12:17,561
This is fate.

251
00:12:17,707 --> 00:12:19,184
I am never supposed to see this girl again.

252
00:12:19,279 --> 00:12:20,449
That was the whole point of the night.

253
00:12:20,530 --> 00:12:22,705
I have just been saved from myself.

254
00:12:22,803 --> 00:12:23,874
Let's drink many beers.

255
00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:24,781
Agreed.

256
00:12:25,171 --> 00:12:26,868
And I thought that was the end of it.

257
00:12:27,053 --> 00:12:28,074
But then...

258
00:12:32,872 --> 00:12:35,492
Hey! There's the anchor lady!

259
00:12:35,601 --> 00:12:36,403
How was it?

260
00:12:36,508 --> 00:12:40,004
Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anchor?

261
00:12:40,103 --> 00:12:44,063
Robin? Thanks, Robin! It was awesome. Back to you, Robin.

262
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,724
Congrats! That's so cool!

263
00:12:46,831 --> 00:12:49,013
Yeah,  I felt really bad bailing on Ted, though.

264
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:51,397
Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact...

265
00:12:51,491 --> 00:12:53,705
And then Lily told her the whole story,

266
00:12:53,801 --> 00:12:57,158
right down to the brown shoes with the little snowflakes on them.

267
00:12:57,256 --> 00:12:58,611
And by the end of it...

268
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:00,736
What?

269
00:13:01,830 --> 00:13:03,143
I know who she is.

270
00:13:06,811 --> 00:13:10,259
You know who she is? But you weren't even at the wedding.

271
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:13,892
Actually, I kind of... was.

272
00:13:14,009 --> 00:13:14,923
What?

273
00:13:15,344 --> 00:13:17,697
Well, after the newscast, I was so excited

274
00:13:17,777 --> 00:13:20,749
I decided to surprise Ted  by going to the reception.

275
00:13:33,664 --> 00:13:35,123
Oh, damn it!

276
00:13:35,533 --> 00:13:36,915
Oh, stop it!

277
00:13:37,254 --> 00:13:38,344
What the hell!

278
00:13:39,543 --> 00:13:40,386
Hello?

279
00:13:41,103 --> 00:13:42,085
You okay in there?

280
00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:44,423
Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um...

281
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:47,427
Just allergies or something.

282
00:13:47,541 --> 00:13:48,477
I'm fine.

283
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:54,040
Listen, do you... want to come and cry out here?

284
00:13:54,322 --> 00:13:56,515
I've been told I'm an excellent hugger.

285
00:13:56,616 --> 00:13:57,626
Oh, thanks.

286
00:13:58,677 --> 00:14:01,976
But I don't actually cry in front of people or...

287
00:14:02,561 --> 00:14:04,637
cry at all, for that matter.

288
00:14:05,142 --> 00:14:07,351
Oh, man, it's gross.

289
00:14:08,346 --> 00:14:10,986
Does everyone snot up this much when they cry?

290
00:14:11,493 --> 00:14:14,243
Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter.

291
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:18,491
So, why are you crying?

292
00:14:19,001 --> 00:14:21,692
Because you have feelings for Ted.

293
00:14:22,052 --> 00:14:23,228
I don't know.

294
00:14:23,649 --> 00:14:24,555
Maybe?

295
00:14:24,754 --> 00:14:28,510
Okay, what is wrong with the two of you! Seriously!

296
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:32,594
He likes you and you like him. And j-j-just be together!

297
00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:35,335
Cheese Louise! Happiness is not that difficult!

298
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:40,382
Look, okay, yes. I cried in the bathroom and that... was weird.

299
00:14:40,481 --> 00:14:42,872
But that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy.

300
00:14:42,994 --> 00:14:45,727
The fact is, I-I don't know how I feel.

301
00:14:45,921 --> 00:14:47,312
Yes, you do!

302
00:14:47,426 --> 00:14:49,958
Seeing him with someone else and crying about it?

303
00:14:50,052 --> 00:14:51,891
Guess what? That's how you feel.

304
00:14:51,973 --> 00:14:54,501
That is nothing but how you feel.

305
00:14:56,042 --> 00:14:57,578
Okay, fine. I have feelings for him.

306
00:14:57,666 --> 00:14:58,495
Happy?

307
00:14:58,669 --> 00:15:00,005
Kinda, yeah.

308
00:15:01,896 --> 00:15:04,087
But it doesn't change anything.

309
00:15:04,368 --> 00:15:08,597
I still don't want to get married and he's still... Ted.

310
00:15:09,202 --> 00:15:13,144
What I should do is just tell him who Victoria is so he can be happy.

311
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:17,273
Or you could tell him that you're into him and then you could both be happy.

312
00:15:18,021 --> 00:15:19,444
I'm going to go find him.

313
00:15:21,002 --> 00:15:21,960
Well, wait.

314
00:15:22,895 --> 00:15:24,800
Which one are you going to tell him?

315
00:15:25,673 --> 00:15:27,014
I have no idea.

316
00:15:28,424 --> 00:15:30,063
And here's the most amazing part--

317
00:15:30,154 --> 00:15:33,472
Because I told her I'd converted all my money to India dollars,

318
00:15:33,585 --> 00:15:36,547
she gave me 50 bucks to take a cab to the airport.

319
00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:39,143
That's right. I just got paid for sex.

320
00:15:40,394 --> 00:15:43,320
I really should give this money to the Peace Corps. They've done so much for me lately.

321
00:15:43,926 --> 00:15:44,812
Hi, guys.

322
00:15:45,115 --> 00:15:45,904
Hey.

323
00:15:46,101 --> 00:15:48,830
Um, Ted, can I talk to you outside for a second?

324
00:15:48,910 --> 00:15:49,652
Yeah, sure.

325
00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:50,606
What's up?

326
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:53,956
Um... I, uh, I have to tell you something.

327
00:15:54,686 --> 00:15:55,465
Oh...

328
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:56,703
Oh, just get it.

329
00:15:58,021 --> 00:15:58,661
Hello?

330
00:15:58,759 --> 00:16:00,572
Ted? It's Stuart.

331
00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:03,175
My lovely bride would like to say something to you.

332
00:16:07,998 --> 00:16:12,727
Ted... I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier.

333
00:16:12,823 --> 00:16:16,010
My new husband, and the vodka cranberry,

334
00:16:16,102 --> 00:16:19,906
which cost $10.50 at the freakin' airport bar...

335
00:16:19,991 --> 00:16:22,138
When is this plane going to board?!

336
00:16:22,238 --> 00:16:23,051
Sweet pea?

337
00:16:25,899 --> 00:16:31,354
...have  helped me realize that sometimes I can act like a crazy person,

338
00:16:31,446 --> 00:16:35,455
and I don't want my new husband to think I'm a crazy person.

339
00:16:35,638 --> 00:16:37,941
It's fine, Claudia, don't worry about it.

340
00:16:38,186 --> 00:16:41,685
Oh, um, Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake.

341
00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:42,710
The cake?

342
00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:46,023
Why don't you take this?

343
00:16:48,022 --> 00:16:49,512
Sounds like you could use it.

344
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:50,799
Thanks.

345
00:16:51,023 --> 00:16:52,509
You're very sweet.

346
00:16:52,972 --> 00:16:56,440
So are you a friend of the bride or groom?

347
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:58,554
We got it at this little bakery downtown.

348
00:16:58,773 --> 00:17:00,034
Actually neither.

349
00:17:00,334 --> 00:17:02,012
It's called the Buttercup Bakery.

350
00:17:02,165 --> 00:17:03,835
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.

351
00:17:04,004 --> 00:17:05,353
I made the cake.

352
00:17:08,471 --> 00:17:10,388
She made the cake.

353
00:17:14,397 --> 00:17:17,283
She wasn't on the guest list because she wasn't a guest.

354
00:17:17,371 --> 00:17:18,868
She made the cake.

355
00:17:19,013 --> 00:17:23,039
She made that cake? Ted, this is the girl.

356
00:17:23,144 --> 00:17:24,882
You got to marry her. Today.

357
00:17:24,969 --> 00:17:26,337
She has to move in with us.

358
00:17:26,653 --> 00:17:27,888
I'm going down to that bakery.

359
00:17:27,974 --> 00:17:29,197
No, no. Don't do it.

360
00:17:29,285 --> 00:17:31,080
Baby, what are you talking about?!

361
00:17:31,762 --> 00:17:34,905
Yeah, all day long you been busting my apple-bag about finding this girl.

362
00:17:34,993 --> 00:17:39,100
Well, I-I just think that... that maybe she's not that into you.

363
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:42,520
And-and that's why she didn't give you her number.

364
00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:44,307
Robin?

365
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,097
Care to chime in with anything?

366
00:17:48,695 --> 00:17:49,599
Yes.

367
00:17:50,809 --> 00:17:51,654
Ted...

368
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:56,098
Go get her.

369
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,343
Going. Getting.

370
00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:00,307
Ted, oh, my, gosh, I love this moment. You know why?

371
00:18:00,388 --> 00:18:02,246
'Cause I'm going to say it, and this time, you're actually going to say yes.

372
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,375
You ready? You ready to say yes?

373
00:18:03,448 --> 00:18:05,022
Ted, suit up.

374
00:18:05,135 --> 00:18:05,919
Yes!

375
00:18:06,358 --> 00:18:06,982
No.

376
00:18:07,091 --> 00:18:08,272
Oh, come on!

377
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,485
Whoa. Guess we were gone a while.

378
00:18:12,679 --> 00:18:14,285
Oh, that's too bad.

379
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,783
I was looking forward to one last dance.

380
00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:39,617
Well, yes, I am.

381
00:18:40,329 --> 00:18:42,184
Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking.

382
00:18:42,306 --> 00:18:43,877
Wow, what was I just thinking?

383
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:47,266
"Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux."

384
00:18:48,323 --> 00:18:50,491
- You got me. You are good.
- Yeah. Mmm.

385
00:18:50,952 --> 00:18:52,783
You know, I don't look like this every day.

386
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:57,931
On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt with bleach stains on it.

387
00:18:57,975 --> 00:19:01,768
Mmm. The real Ted sounds real sexy.

388
00:19:03,133 --> 00:19:05,292
Too bad I'll never get to see it.

389
00:19:11,315 --> 00:19:13,503
Buttercup Bakery. This is it.

390
00:19:13,615 --> 00:19:14,690
Good luck, dude.

391
00:19:14,905 --> 00:19:16,205
Grab me a cupcake.

392
00:19:19,699 --> 00:19:22,183
Ted? You still with us?

393
00:19:35,134 --> 00:19:36,668
Tell me your last name.

394
00:19:40,608 --> 00:19:43,060
You know there's one little flaw in our plan.

395
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,105
What's that?

396
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,031
I'm going to go home tonight with a lot of great memories

397
00:19:47,123 --> 00:19:49,328
and one really sucky memory.

398
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:52,280
The memory of you walking out that door.

399
00:19:56,538 --> 00:19:57,630
Hey, Ted.

400
00:19:58,158 --> 00:19:59,043
Yeah?

401
00:20:00,474 --> 00:20:01,895
Close your eyes...

402
00:20:02,887 --> 00:20:04,512
and count to five.

403
00:20:08,255 --> 00:20:09,183
One...

404
00:20:09,998 --> 00:20:10,953
two...

405
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,127
three...

406
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:15,758
four...

407
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:19,157
five.

408
00:20:31,373 --> 00:20:36,895
And to our dying days we'll remember everything about that night as perfect.

409
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:39,464
Maybe we both need that.

410
00:20:40,118 --> 00:20:42,103
I mean, so many things go wrong in life

411
00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:44,183
but this is the one thing that never will.

412
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:46,055
It will always...

413
00:20:46,808 --> 00:20:50,633
always be pure unadulterated awesome.

414
00:20:51,983 --> 00:20:54,321
And if I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us...

415
00:20:54,428 --> 00:20:57,276
The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot.

416
00:20:57,384 --> 00:20:58,383
Yeah, yeah, I'm going.

417
00:21:23,176 --> 00:21:24,536
Oh, thank God.