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General InformationEdit

Title "Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M."
Format SubRip
Extension .srt
Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nothing_Good_Happens_After_2_A.M.

SubtitlesEdit

1
00:00:00,237 --> 00:00:01,987
Previously on How I Met Your Mother:

2
00:00:01,988 --> 00:00:03,740
She was completely amazing.

3
00:00:03,751 --> 00:00:06,606
She was amazing and funny and...

4
00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:08,632
You have feelings for Ted.

5
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:09,715
Maybe.

6
00:00:09,716 --> 00:00:14,024
I've just been offered a fellowhip at a culinary institute in Germany.

7
00:00:14,025 --> 00:00:15,294
Do you want to try long distance?

8
00:00:15,295 --> 00:00:16,095
Yes.

9
00:00:16,096 --> 00:00:18,285
"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?

10
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,130
And I really need to talk to you tonight."

11
00:00:20,130 --> 00:00:21,220
She's going to dump me!

12
00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:23,083
She's not going to break up with you, Ted.

13
00:00:23,083 --> 00:00:24,297
Hello?

14
00:00:24,552 --> 00:00:26,145
Do you want to come over?

15
00:00:39,458 --> 00:00:42,034
Kids, your grandma always used to say to me,

16
00:00:42,035 --> 00:00:44,722
"Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.,"

17
00:00:44,723 --> 00:00:45,881
and she was right.

18
00:00:45,882 --> 00:00:49,236
When 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep.

19
00:00:49,237 --> 00:00:50,707
Case in point:

20
00:00:53,561 --> 00:00:54,425
Hello.

21
00:00:54,426 --> 00:00:56,403
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

22
00:00:56,404 --> 00:01:00,827
Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?

23
00:01:02,248 --> 00:01:04,129
Let's back up a little bit.

24
00:01:15,728 --> 00:01:16,981
Sit.

25
00:01:17,133 --> 00:01:18,527
Good boys.

26
00:01:18,528 --> 00:01:22,892
Okay, remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet.

27
00:01:22,893 --> 00:01:24,188
I'll see you tonight.

28
00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:28,778
And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding,

29
00:01:28,779 --> 00:01:32,310
and I stronly urge you to consider it as a career.

30
00:01:32,637 --> 00:01:33,825
Thank you.

31
00:01:36,331 --> 00:01:37,149
Yeah?

32
00:01:37,150 --> 00:01:39,340
Do you have a fiancé?

33
00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:41,475
Marshall was here yesterday.

34
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,213
They just learned the word "fiancé."

35
00:01:43,214 --> 00:01:45,634
Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé.

36
00:01:45,635 --> 00:01:47,045
Then who do you live with?

37
00:01:47,046 --> 00:01:50,289
Well, actually, I've got five dogs.

38
00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:52,175
Don't you get lonely?

39
00:01:52,176 --> 00:01:54,759
No, I've got five dogs.

40
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:58,152
My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.

41
00:01:58,153 --> 00:02:01,842
Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady.

42
00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:03,911
Not that your grandmother is...

43
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:06,427
Does anyone else have a...? Yes?

44
00:02:06,428 --> 00:02:09,136
- Are you a lesbian?
- No. Are you?

45
00:02:09,137 --> 00:02:11,328
Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les...

46
00:02:11,329 --> 00:02:15,194
Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter.

47
00:02:15,497 --> 00:02:17,765
All right, our next guest is another friend...

48
00:02:17,766 --> 00:02:21,052
So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks? 'Cause I just saw one.

49
00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:22,793
What up? Tiny five.

50
00:02:24,547 --> 00:02:26,991
Ha-ha. Laugh now, those kids are monsters.

51
00:02:26,992 --> 00:02:28,590
They're going to eat you alive.

52
00:02:28,591 --> 00:02:31,080
He has a job doing...

53
00:02:31,212 --> 00:02:32,497
What do you do?

54
00:02:32,526 --> 00:02:33,713
Please.

55
00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:35,927
Kids, let's rap.

56
00:02:35,976 --> 00:02:39,209
You guys don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?

57
00:02:39,210 --> 00:02:40,844
- No.
- No, no.

58
00:02:40,845 --> 00:02:42,517
I know what you want.

59
00:02:43,199 --> 00:02:44,468
Magic.

60
00:02:46,643 --> 00:02:47,666
Hello.

61
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:48,883
Why hasn't she called yet?

62
00:02:48,884 --> 00:02:50,542
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.

63
00:02:50,543 --> 00:02:52,914
It's Saturday night. Go out and do something.

64
00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:56,966
What's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now.

65
00:02:56,980 --> 00:02:58,486
Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news?

66
00:02:58,487 --> 00:03:00,018
I'm, like, half your viewership.

67
00:03:00,019 --> 00:03:02,378
I'm flattered you think we have two viewers.

68
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,366
And we're clear.

69
00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:08,356
So, Scherbotsky, got a boyfriend?

70
00:03:08,357 --> 00:03:11,408
No, and why does this keep coming up today?

71
00:03:11,409 --> 00:03:13,301
Oh, I just thought that guy you were on the phone with...

72
00:03:13,302 --> 00:03:16,151
What? Oh, no, that was Ted. He's just a friend.

73
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,834
I mean, there was this moment where we almost dated,

74
00:03:18,835 --> 00:03:21,327
but we want completely different things.

75
00:03:21,328 --> 00:03:23,383
Anyway, now he has this girlfriend in Germany

76
00:03:23,384 --> 00:03:26,728
and he thinks she's calling to dump him tonight, but I don't think she is.

77
00:03:26,729 --> 00:03:29,251
And besides, we want completely different things.

78
00:03:29,536 --> 00:03:31,212
We should have sex.

79
00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,357
- What?
- Why not?

80
00:03:33,358 --> 00:03:36,993
We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it.

81
00:03:36,994 --> 00:03:38,599
At least, I'm good at it.

82
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,919
And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way.

83
00:03:42,154 --> 00:03:47,163
Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard,

84
00:03:47,164 --> 00:03:49,947
don't get involved with people I work with.

85
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,659
Get involved? Who said get involved?

86
00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:55,407
I'm just saying we should have sex, it could be fun.

87
00:03:55,691 --> 00:03:57,534
Having sex is fun.

88
00:03:58,037 --> 00:03:59,677
Home number. Call me anytime.

89
00:03:59,678 --> 00:04:02,367
A lot of local teens in action tonight...

90
00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:06,522
Hey, guys.

91
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,763
Miss me?

92
00:04:13,159 --> 00:04:14,709
I missed you, too.

93
00:05:02,884 --> 00:05:04,952
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

94
00:05:04,953 --> 00:05:09,294
Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?

95
00:05:17,958 --> 00:05:18,937
Ted?

96
00:05:19,011 --> 00:05:21,287
Uh, yeah... Uh, hi, I'm here.

97
00:05:21,851 --> 00:05:23,486
Do you want to come over?

98
00:05:23,665 --> 00:05:25,324
Why? What's up?

99
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:30,776
Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer

100
00:05:30,777 --> 00:05:33,167
and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like,

101
00:05:33,168 --> 00:05:35,666
"You know who likes juice? Ted."

102
00:05:37,608 --> 00:05:38,724
I love juice.

103
00:05:38,725 --> 00:05:42,727
Great. So you want to come over and make juice?

104
00:05:42,997 --> 00:05:45,894
When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep

105
00:05:45,895 --> 00:05:50,245
because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions.

106
00:05:50,246 --> 00:05:54,297
Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice.

107
00:05:54,298 --> 00:05:55,731
Yes, we'll juice.

108
00:05:55,732 --> 00:05:56,948
O kay.

109
00:05:56,949 --> 00:05:58,979
Okay... bye.

110
00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:00,864
Bye.

111
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:09,004
This is fine. This is totally fine.

112
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,441
What's fine?

113
00:06:10,442 --> 00:06:13,705
Oh, I'm, uh, going over to this girl's house to make some juice.

114
00:06:14,345 --> 00:06:15,566
Nice.

115
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:18,508
No, it's not like that. We're juicing as friends.

116
00:06:19,363 --> 00:06:22,957
See, I have this girlfriend, I would never cheat on her.

117
00:06:22,958 --> 00:06:24,668
She lives in Germany.

118
00:06:24,669 --> 00:06:28,994
See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk.

119
00:06:28,995 --> 00:06:30,385
I still haven't heard from her.

120
00:06:30,386 --> 00:06:31,515
I don't know.

121
00:06:31,910 --> 00:06:34,113
Sorry to bug you with my problems.

122
00:06:34,155 --> 00:06:36,993
Guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh?

123
00:06:38,004 --> 00:06:40,063
You ain't kidding, kid.

124
00:06:41,585 --> 00:06:42,648
Want a nip?

125
00:06:42,649 --> 00:06:44,691
You can just let me out right up here.

126
00:06:45,747 --> 00:06:46,948
Where you going to, buddy?

127
00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:48,747
Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth.

128
00:06:50,818 --> 00:06:53,413
Okay, here's where I left off with the last guy.

129
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:56,856
See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over to this other girl's house...

130
00:06:56,857 --> 00:06:58,921
And you're wondering if I'd be upset.

131
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,755
Hi, Ted. Remember me, your girlfriend?

132
00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:03,990
Okay, relax, Robin's just a friend.

133
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,471
Right. You're going to go make some juice.

134
00:07:06,472 --> 00:07:08,820
Yes, yes! Juice is perfectly harmless.

135
00:07:08,821 --> 00:07:10,747
In fact, it's healthy.

136
00:07:10,748 --> 00:07:13,742
Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering what she looks like naked?

137
00:07:13,743 --> 00:07:15,713
I am not won...

138
00:07:15,714 --> 00:07:18,298
Okay, even if I am wondering that, it's only 'cause you put it in my head.

139
00:07:18,299 --> 00:07:20,881
Ah, but I'm just a manifestation of your subconscious,

140
00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:23,164
so actually, you put it in your own head.

141
00:07:23,165 --> 00:07:24,280
Damn it!

142
00:07:24,281 --> 00:07:25,611
Nothing's going to happen.

143
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,470
Right.

144
00:07:26,470 --> 00:07:29,422
Okay, okay. You want a second opinion? Fine.

145
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,033
Hey, did she call?

146
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:37,794
No. I need a ruling.

147
00:07:37,794 --> 00:07:41,964
Um, I'm... Yeah, this is stupid. It's not even a big deal, but

148
00:07:41,965 --> 00:07:44,785
I'm on my way over to Robin's right now.

149
00:07:44,786 --> 00:07:48,286
She got a new juicer. Whatever. We're going to test it out.

150
00:07:48,487 --> 00:07:49,976
Let me call you back.

151
00:07:55,165 --> 00:07:58,050
Honey, there's a situation developing.

152
00:07:58,051 --> 00:08:00,259
Do you remember the huge secret that you told me

153
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:02,351
that you weren't supposed to but you did?

154
00:08:02,352 --> 00:08:04,566
The thing... about Robin?

155
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,222
Oh, you mean how Robin's in love with Ted?

156
00:08:06,223 --> 00:08:07,101
- What?
- What?

157
00:08:07,102 --> 00:08:09,252
Yeah, she told me already. Go on.

158
00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:11,620
Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell?

159
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,408
She told you and not me?

160
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,199
Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are.

161
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,171
Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.

162
00:08:19,172 --> 00:08:21,367
- That is a lie!
- It is not a lie.

163
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:24,223
Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!

164
00:08:24,224 --> 00:08:26,792
I'll show you things you never seen before!

165
00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:28,488
I used to box in the Army!

166
00:08:30,989 --> 00:08:32,941
Come on, pick up.

167
00:08:33,244 --> 00:08:36,503
Damn it, Victoria, where are you? Pick up, pick up!

168
00:08:36,504 --> 00:08:37,467
Cupcake?

169
00:08:37,468 --> 00:08:38,612
No, thanks.

170
00:08:38,613 --> 00:08:40,393
Where are you? Why haven't you called?

171
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:43,207
Oh, I'm out hooking up...

172
00:08:43,208 --> 00:08:44,938
with three other guys.

173
00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:49,946
Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend and I'm calling you right now.

174
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:52,295
Yeah. Why do I doubt that?

175
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:54,768
Hello.

176
00:08:54,769 --> 00:08:59,319
Ted, I just saw the news and a truck carrying sulphuric acid

177
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,986
overturned right in front of Robin's house.

178
00:09:01,987 --> 00:09:03,507
And it's melting through the sidewalk.

179
00:09:03,508 --> 00:09:05,883
You can see straight down into hell. It's bad.

180
00:09:05,884 --> 00:09:07,148
You should go home, dude.

181
00:09:07,149 --> 00:09:10,383
Marshall, it's fine. Nothing's going to happen.

182
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,892
Ted, what does your mom always say?

183
00:09:12,893 --> 00:09:14,057
Nothing good ever...

184
00:09:14,058 --> 00:09:18,036
Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Go home! It's too late for juice.

185
00:09:18,037 --> 00:09:19,965
Dude, Robin and I are just friends.

186
00:09:19,966 --> 00:09:21,898
She doesn't even like me that way.

187
00:09:21,899 --> 00:09:25,291
Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me.

188
00:09:25,489 --> 00:09:26,200
What?

189
00:09:26,201 --> 00:09:28,907
It's a big secret, so don't tell her I told you,

190
00:09:28,908 --> 00:09:32,842
but she's very vulnerable right now and you have a girlfriend.

191
00:09:32,843 --> 00:09:34,754
Go home, Ted.

192
00:09:34,862 --> 00:09:36,229
She-she likes me?

193
00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:40,781
Yes. So you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there.

194
00:09:40,782 --> 00:09:42,667
Go home, Ted.

195
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,800
She likes me?

196
00:09:45,241 --> 00:09:47,179
Go home, Ted.

197
00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:52,585
Uh, you're right. I'll, uh, I'll see you at home.

198
00:09:53,599 --> 00:09:55,702
Good. He's going home.

199
00:09:55,703 --> 00:09:57,405
He is so not going home.

200
00:09:57,406 --> 00:09:59,591
I cannot believe you just told him that.

201
00:09:59,592 --> 00:10:00,560
What do you mean?

202
00:10:00,561 --> 00:10:01,898
Lily, here's what you just said:

203
00:10:01,899 --> 00:10:04,070
"Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there.

204
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,776
There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you."

205
00:10:06,777 --> 00:10:10,121
"And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice."

206
00:10:10,492 --> 00:10:14,498
No, he's not going up there. He has more sense than that.

207
00:10:14,577 --> 00:10:17,009
I did have more sense than that.

208
00:10:17,428 --> 00:10:18,188
Keep the change.

209
00:10:18,189 --> 00:10:19,161
- Thanks.
- Thanks.

210
00:10:19,162 --> 00:10:22,211
But after 2:00 a.m, my good sense was sound asleep.

211
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,588
So you're doing this? You're going up there?

212
00:10:36,589 --> 00:10:37,953
You want to get out of the way?

213
00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:39,762
I'm not in the way.

214
00:10:40,276 --> 00:10:43,149
You know, if you had just called me, I...

215
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:50,294
- Hi.
- Hi.

216
00:10:50,995 --> 00:10:53,870
Um, I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets.

217
00:10:53,871 --> 00:10:55,447
Or we could just drink wine.

218
00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:56,939
Wine... not?

219
00:10:56,940 --> 00:10:58,521
Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever said.

220
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:00,918
Thanks.

221
00:11:01,359 --> 00:11:02,854
Make it a big glass.

222
00:11:02,855 --> 00:11:04,163
Sure.

223
00:11:04,909 --> 00:11:06,608
So, how's it hanging?

224
00:11:08,371 --> 00:11:13,315
Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens

225
00:11:13,316 --> 00:11:17,571
but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore

226
00:11:17,572 --> 00:11:19,761
or what the hell you're doing with your life?

227
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:21,757
Do you ever have one of those days?

228
00:11:21,758 --> 00:11:23,574
Uh, about once a week.

229
00:11:24,042 --> 00:11:26,792
I don't know, it was just a, a rough day

230
00:11:26,793 --> 00:11:30,632
and the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you.

231
00:11:33,142 --> 00:11:37,051
So... um... how was the big phone call with your girlfriend?

232
00:11:37,251 --> 00:11:40,853
When the clock strikes 2:00, just go to sleep.

233
00:11:41,089 --> 00:11:42,657
We broke up.

234
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:44,366
What?

235
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,555
Yeah. Yeah, she finally called.

236
00:11:46,556 --> 00:11:49,113
We talked for a while-- how hard long distance is--

237
00:11:49,114 --> 00:11:52,263
and then... she dumped me.

238
00:11:52,632 --> 00:11:58,325
Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. I feel awful.

239
00:11:58,997 --> 00:12:00,504
You're smiling.

240
00:12:00,505 --> 00:12:02,867
Am I? No I'm not.

241
00:12:03,308 --> 00:12:04,750
I'm a news anchor.

242
00:12:04,751 --> 00:12:06,471
Smiling's a part of the job.

243
00:12:06,472 --> 00:12:09,407
Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today.

244
00:12:09,408 --> 00:12:10,860
See?

245
00:12:12,521 --> 00:12:14,377
You're smiling, too.

246
00:12:16,262 --> 00:12:17,980
Yeah.

247
00:12:18,173 --> 00:12:21,065
I have no idea what that's all about.

248
00:12:23,507 --> 00:12:27,936
# There's got to be a morning after... #

249
00:12:27,937 --> 00:12:30,250
How much does Korean Elvis rock?

250
00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:31,448
I'll answer that.

251
00:12:31,449 --> 00:12:33,095
Infinity.

252
00:12:33,096 --> 00:12:36,259
He rocks... infinity.

253
00:12:36,345 --> 00:12:37,926
Okay, it's time for bed.

254
00:12:37,927 --> 00:12:40,258
What? No. It's 2:30.

255
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:43,053
Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.

256
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,827
You know, I have found, in my travels...

257
00:12:45,828 --> 00:12:50,131
that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m.

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When I look back at the best stories of my life--

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the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy,

260
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- the almost four-way.
- You never had a four-way.

261
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I said "almost."

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All those things happened after 2:00 a.m.

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because after 2:00 a.m. is when things get-- audience, say it with me-- legendary.

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We're going home.

265
00:13:11,670 --> 00:13:14,664
What's that? Interesting theory, Barney, but I'll need some proof?

266
00:13:14,665 --> 00:13:15,918
Okay.

267
00:13:18,427 --> 00:13:19,752
Korean Elvis.

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00:13:19,753 --> 00:13:23,230
How would you like to have a drink with me and my friends?

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Rock 'n' roll.

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00:13:25,954 --> 00:13:28,275
And it begins.

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00:13:29,874 --> 00:13:33,538
So, um... Hey. I got a new phone.

272
00:13:33,539 --> 00:13:34,974
Same as yours. Look.

273
00:13:34,975 --> 00:13:36,964
Oh, yeah. Do you like it?

274
00:13:37,205 --> 00:13:39,510
Yeah. Yeah.

275
00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:41,782
This is some solid small talk.

276
00:13:42,115 --> 00:13:45,049
I had that other phone, and it was good,

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but I think the whole time a little part of me wanted this phone instead.

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This phone... um...

279
00:13:52,770 --> 00:13:54,645
feels right.

280
00:13:55,662 --> 00:13:57,620
Wow. Weird.

281
00:13:57,621 --> 00:14:01,038
Yeah. Uh, I should probably take this.

282
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I'll be here.

283
00:14:08,621 --> 00:14:09,487
Hello?

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00:14:09,488 --> 00:14:11,702
Ted, this is your main man, K.E.

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I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig?

286
00:14:15,203 --> 00:14:16,680
Sorry about that.

287
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,271
Was that Korean Elvis?

288
00:14:18,272 --> 00:14:20,468
I'll explain later. Hey, we're headed down to MacLaren's.

289
00:14:20,469 --> 00:14:23,201
Um... Actually...

290
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I'm at Robin's.

291
00:14:25,844 --> 00:14:29,167
Yeah, and, um... I might have done something bad.

292
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:32,991
I just lied and told her I broke up with Victoria.

293
00:14:32,992 --> 00:14:36,517
Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis,

294
00:14:36,518 --> 00:14:39,419
but what the bleep are you doing, dude?

295
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,608
What do you expect from me? It's Robin.

296
00:14:41,609 --> 00:14:44,682
Victoria's great, but, it's Robin.

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I've made up my mind. I'm going to end it with Victoria.

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00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,328
Gonna?

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00:14:48,329 --> 00:14:49,983
Yes. First thing tomorrow.

300
00:14:49,984 --> 00:14:57,166
Okay, but, but, as of right now at-at... 2:45 a.m. you still have a girlfriend.

301
00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:59,779
Ted, I love you. I love Robin.

302
00:14:59,780 --> 00:15:05,425
But if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime.

303
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:09,250
Just go home, Ted. Don't do this the wrong way.

304
00:15:09,251 --> 00:15:10,990
I hate how you're always right.

305
00:15:10,991 --> 00:15:13,699
It's my best and most annoying trait.

306
00:15:14,245 --> 00:15:15,426
Okay.

307
00:15:16,427 --> 00:15:18,420
I'm coming home. I'll see you soon.

308
00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:24,541
- Hey.
- Hey.

309
00:15:31,642 --> 00:15:35,074
I should probably get going. It's pretty late.

310
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:38,886
- I'm sorry. I...
- Oh. Oh, no. I understand.

311
00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,416
It's fine. Yeah.

312
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,765
Can I call you tomorrow?

313
00:15:44,766 --> 00:15:46,877
Totally. Totally. Call me tomorrow.

314
00:15:46,878 --> 00:15:48,288
Okay. Good night, Robin.

315
00:15:48,289 --> 00:15:49,719
Good night, Ted.

316
00:16:21,485 --> 00:16:24,634
Oh, my God. We're making out.

317
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:25,820
- Right.
- This is crazy.

318
00:16:25,821 --> 00:16:27,444
Right? Right?

319
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,351
Should we go to my room?

320
00:16:31,352 --> 00:16:33,574
I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...

321
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:34,639
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

322
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:35,543
Yeah.

323
00:16:38,462 --> 00:16:44,201
I just, um... I have to run to the bathroom real quick.

324
00:16:45,256 --> 00:16:46,607
Okay.

325
00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:01,424
Stop doing that.

326
00:17:01,425 --> 00:17:03,038
Whatcha doin'?

327
00:17:03,504 --> 00:17:04,874
I'm calling you.

328
00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:07,111
We're breaking up. I'm doing this right now,

329
00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:09,250
I'm coming out of this bathroom a single man.

330
00:17:09,251 --> 00:17:10,586
Okay.

331
00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,958
Say, Ted... how long do you think that conversation's going to be?

332
00:17:13,959 --> 00:17:15,676
Length of an average pee?

333
00:17:15,677 --> 00:17:18,708
No. We're gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes.

334
00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:21,640
Robin's out there. She's gonna think you're in here taking a massive...

335
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,036
What do you want from me?

336
00:17:23,037 --> 00:17:25,547
People break up. It happens.

337
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:27,535
Not like this.

338
00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:30,959
Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with.

339
00:17:32,057 --> 00:17:34,440
It's not ideal.

340
00:17:35,023 --> 00:17:36,763
Meanwhile, back at the bar,

341
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:40,585
Barney was still trying to prove that good things can happen after 2:00 a.m.

342
00:17:40,586 --> 00:17:42,362
Come on, Lily.

343
00:17:42,363 --> 00:17:46,987
How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?

344
00:17:49,337 --> 00:17:51,310
I think he just spat on me.

345
00:17:51,311 --> 00:17:54,162
Barney, you tried, I think that's great, but we're going.

346
00:17:54,163 --> 00:17:56,016
- No! No, come on.
- Yes!

347
00:17:56,017 --> 00:17:59,123
Dude, we haen't hit legendary yet. We're only at the "le".

348
00:17:59,124 --> 00:18:02,199
We still got the "gen." The "da." The "ry."

349
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:07,335
Okay, if we're at the "le," then I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."

350
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:11,650
Oh, wow, you just got burned, phonics style.

351
00:18:11,651 --> 00:18:15,322
No, no, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go.

352
00:18:15,323 --> 00:18:16,734
Just one dance, huh?

353
00:18:16,735 --> 00:18:18,161
Okay, seriously.

354
00:18:18,162 --> 00:18:21,282
Hey, I know what you like.

355
00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:31,511
And so, Barney was right-- the night was legendary.

356
00:18:31,512 --> 00:18:35,595
It would come to be known as The Time Lily Kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards.

357
00:18:35,596 --> 00:18:40,242
Hey, you guys remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards?

358
00:18:41,976 --> 00:18:43,158
You're right.

359
00:18:43,159 --> 00:18:45,432
I owe you a real breakup call.

360
00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:46,948
I'll call you tomorrow.

361
00:18:46,949 --> 00:18:48,332
Good.

362
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:49,945
So you're gonna go home?

363
00:18:50,611 --> 00:18:52,589
Why should I have to go home?

364
00:18:52,718 --> 00:18:56,358
You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm going to marry.

365
00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:56,993
Ted.

366
00:18:56,994 --> 00:18:58,353
It could happen.

367
00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:02,724
And so really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night?

368
00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:06,353
Look, I-I know this is a moral gray area, but...

369
00:19:06,706 --> 00:19:08,417
It's Robin.

370
00:19:08,878 --> 00:19:09,997
And I'm exhausted.

371
00:19:09,998 --> 00:19:12,641
I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her.

372
00:19:12,642 --> 00:19:14,171
I think that makes this okay.

373
00:19:14,172 --> 00:19:17,067
Oh, please. You just want to get laid.

374
00:19:17,102 --> 00:19:19,453
Yes, I do. You got me.

375
00:19:19,454 --> 00:19:22,137
That is exactly what I want right now. And so what?

376
00:19:22,138 --> 00:19:23,822
I want this. She wants this.

377
00:19:23,823 --> 00:19:27,070
It's happening, and if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany.

378
00:19:28,011 --> 00:19:30,201
It's been nice pretending to talk to you.

379
00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:32,824
Thanks for not calling me and good night.

380
00:19:33,924 --> 00:19:35,914
That's not your phone.

381
00:19:36,944 --> 00:19:38,715
This isn't my phone.

382
00:19:45,037 --> 00:19:47,784
Okay. Bye.

383
00:19:49,661 --> 00:19:52,272
I thought it was mine, so I answered it.

384
00:19:52,986 --> 00:19:53,875
Was it...?

385
00:19:53,876 --> 00:19:55,682
It was your girlfriend.

386
00:19:56,418 --> 00:19:58,400
You might want to call her back.

387
00:20:20,336 --> 00:20:23,988
I called Victoria from the cab and we broke up.

388
00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:25,961
Yes...

389
00:20:26,128 --> 00:20:28,273
And there you have it, kids.

390
00:20:28,274 --> 00:20:31,252
The stupidest thing I've ever done.

391
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:35,324
In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about.

392
00:20:35,325 --> 00:20:38,789
And none of it would've happened if I just listened to my mom.

393
00:20:49,405 --> 00:20:53,116
So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this:

394
00:20:53,274 --> 00:20:57,642
when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep.