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General InformationEdit

Title "Mary the Paralegal"
Format SubRip
Extension .srt
Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_the_Paralegal

SubtitlesEdit

1
00:00:13,365 --> 00:00:15,860
Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set?

2
00:00:15,861 --> 00:00:16,887
Disc three.

3
00:00:16,887 --> 00:00:20,063
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone? Come on.

4
00:00:20,391 --> 00:00:21,609
Disc three!

5
00:00:22,174 --> 00:00:25,237
God, Victoria's so amazing! I could talk about her for hours.

6
00:00:25,238 --> 00:00:26,767
What do you mean "could"?

7
00:00:27,275 --> 00:00:31,420
I'm sorry, it's just... God, I... I'm crazy about this girl.

8
00:00:31,421 --> 00:00:34,410
It feels like maybe... I don't want to say it.

9
00:00:34,411 --> 00:00:36,438
Trust that impulse, Ted.

10
00:00:37,497 --> 00:00:40,500
Hey. Something kind of cool just happened.

11
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:45,940
My story on Pickles, the Singing Dog, just got nominated for a Local Area Media Award.

12
00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:47,963
A... LAME-A?

13
00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:50,917
We prefer Local Area Media Award.

14
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:53,613
Um... there's going to be this big banquet.

15
00:00:53,614 --> 00:00:57,844
I know these things aren't much fun, but it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came.

16
00:00:58,986 --> 00:01:00,718
And there's an open bar.

17
00:01:00,719 --> 00:01:01,957
- Yes!
- Word up!

18
00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:03,485
Yeah, put me down for two.

19
00:01:03,486 --> 00:01:04,984
Really? It's three months away.

20
00:01:04,985 --> 00:01:08,981
I know, but... guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it.

21
00:01:08,982 --> 00:01:12,790
I have a feeling Victoria's going to be around for a long time.

22
00:01:13,577 --> 00:01:15,331
I'm going to miss Victoria.

23
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:20,954
I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin's still pissed at me after... you know.

24
00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,820
You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were

25
00:01:23,821 --> 00:01:27,580
so you could try to nail Robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night?

26
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:30,878
Yes, that's what I meant by "you know."

27
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,774
I haven't seen her in three weeks. She won't return my calls.

28
00:01:34,775 --> 00:01:37,767
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.

29
00:01:37,768 --> 00:01:40,885
Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her.

30
00:01:40,886 --> 00:01:44,122
Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter.

31
00:01:44,123 --> 00:01:47,578
Even better, triple threat-- hotter and bigger boobs.

32
00:01:47,579 --> 00:01:49,471
- That's only two.
- Count again.

33
00:01:50,475 --> 00:01:54,325
Barney, I'm not bringing a date. Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours.

34
00:01:54,326 --> 00:01:55,537
So get an escort.

35
00:01:55,538 --> 00:01:57,776
By "escort," you mean prostitute?

36
00:01:57,777 --> 00:01:58,824
Why not?

37
00:01:58,825 --> 00:02:00,596
Because... gross?

38
00:02:01,018 --> 00:02:05,246
Oh, gross. What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution?

39
00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:08,524
Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

40
00:02:08,665 --> 00:02:10,253
You really think that's true?

41
00:02:10,254 --> 00:02:13,597
Oh, yeah. I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers,

42
00:02:13,598 --> 00:02:16,002
like, an extra fish for putting out.

43
00:02:16,027 --> 00:02:18,498
Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen.

44
00:02:18,499 --> 00:02:20,512
Kaboom! You've been lawyered.

45
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:25,488
Come on, Ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun.

46
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:30,454
Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with?

47
00:02:30,678 --> 00:02:31,801
Yes.

48
00:02:32,821 --> 00:02:36,705
No! It's illegal. And did I mention gross?

49
00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:39,535
That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed.

50
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:44,052
The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century.

51
00:02:44,053 --> 00:02:48,898
You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prostitute.

52
00:02:48,899 --> 00:02:50,197
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.

53
00:02:50,198 --> 00:02:51,357
Lawyered.

54
00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:55,721
The point is, how long has it been?

55
00:02:58,070 --> 00:02:59,618
57 days.

56
00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:02,067
- Is that your water? May I?
- Yeah, go ahead.

57
00:03:02,068 --> 00:03:03,169
Much obliged.

58
00:03:04,203 --> 00:03:06,573
57 days?!

59
00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:10,387
- Ted, you are in a slump.
- No, it's not a slump.

60
00:03:10,388 --> 00:03:12,686
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.

61
00:03:12,687 --> 00:03:15,561
A slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate.

62
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,378
But I'm off the roster, baby.

63
00:03:17,379 --> 00:03:19,685
I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool.

64
00:03:19,686 --> 00:03:22,163
And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good.

65
00:03:22,164 --> 00:03:24,242
Yeah, you know what else is in that locker room?

66
00:03:24,243 --> 00:03:27,387
A naked dudes hanging brain.

67
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:30,104
Ted, you need a lady.

68
00:03:30,105 --> 00:03:32,947
And I've got the next best thing-- Mary.

69
00:03:32,948 --> 00:03:34,404
She lives in my building.

70
00:03:34,405 --> 00:03:36,720
She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool.

71
00:03:36,721 --> 00:03:38,124
Oh, she sounds great.

72
00:03:38,125 --> 00:03:40,716
And who knows? Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday.

73
00:03:40,717 --> 00:03:43,334
You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp.

74
00:03:43,858 --> 00:03:48,837
You want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic?

75
00:03:48,838 --> 00:03:50,622
That's racism.

76
00:03:50,623 --> 00:03:53,017
And I do not drink with racists.

77
00:03:53,018 --> 00:03:54,520
Good day.

78
00:03:58,692 --> 00:04:00,563
You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can...

79
00:04:00,564 --> 00:04:02,246
I said good day!

80
00:04:04,416 --> 00:04:06,920
So should I wear my hair up or down?

81
00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:10,377
Lily.

82
00:04:10,578 --> 00:04:11,446
What?

83
00:04:11,447 --> 00:04:14,628
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah, sorry.

84
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,885
I'm just exhausted from work.

85
00:04:16,886 --> 00:04:20,585
The stupid school board took away nap time in all kindergarten classes

86
00:04:20,586 --> 00:04:24,323
and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day.

87
00:04:24,324 --> 00:04:28,533
It's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap.

88
00:04:29,093 --> 00:04:31,199
Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were?

89
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,591
Is that safe?

90
00:04:32,592 --> 00:04:35,485
Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me?

91
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,991
Ted's still coming to this thing, right?

92
00:04:39,992 --> 00:04:41,232
Yep.

93
00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:46,060
Do you think, um... hypothetically... it would be weird if I bring a date?

94
00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:51,037
Look at you, Scherbotsky, blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.

95
00:04:51,038 --> 00:04:53,108
No, it's just this guy at the station.

96
00:04:53,109 --> 00:04:57,285
I never get involved with co-workers, but he asked me and I said yes.

97
00:04:57,286 --> 00:04:58,718
Is it going to be weird?

98
00:04:58,719 --> 00:05:01,069
No, it's not going to be weird at all.

99
00:05:01,070 --> 00:05:02,827
Robin's bringing a date.

100
00:05:02,828 --> 00:05:04,801
Boy. That's going to be really weird.

101
00:05:04,802 --> 00:05:06,354
I know.

102
00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:10,294
Robin's bringing a date.

103
00:05:10,295 --> 00:05:12,942
Oh. Okay. That's not weird.

104
00:05:12,953 --> 00:05:15,375
She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on.

105
00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:18,545
- Dude, it's going to be weird.
- No, it's fine.

106
00:05:18,546 --> 00:05:21,891
Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends.

107
00:05:21,892 --> 00:05:22,988
I don't think it'll be weird.

108
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,685
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.

109
00:05:24,686 --> 00:05:26,989
Because you're going to bring your own date.

110
00:05:26,990 --> 00:05:29,488
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.

111
00:05:29,489 --> 00:05:31,872
Have you met Ted?

112
00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:38,649
Nice to meet you Ted.

113
00:05:38,650 --> 00:05:40,042
Hi, Mary.

114
00:05:40,119 --> 00:05:42,693
Wow. It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.

115
00:05:42,694 --> 00:05:44,269
So we're going to an award show?

116
00:05:44,270 --> 00:05:46,090
Uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute?

117
00:05:46,091 --> 00:05:47,103
Barney.

118
00:05:47,104 --> 00:05:48,197
See you in two shakes, Mare.

119
00:05:48,198 --> 00:05:49,527
You two make yourselves comfortable.

120
00:05:51,927 --> 00:05:53,197
What the hell?

121
00:05:53,198 --> 00:05:57,695
Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow.

122
00:05:57,888 --> 00:05:59,361
So I got you a date for the evening.

123
00:05:59,362 --> 00:06:01,437
You got me a hooker.

124
00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:04,574
A really hot hook-- A hooker!

125
00:06:04,575 --> 00:06:06,678
Think about it, this is perfect.

126
00:06:06,679 --> 00:06:09,670
A-- it will make Robin insanely jealous...

127
00:06:09,671 --> 00:06:12,390
B-- you get to have sex with her...

128
00:06:12,391 --> 00:06:14,748
and C-- maybe by getting to know Mary,

129
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,110
you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too.

130
00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:21,277
And D-- "B" all night long.

131
00:06:21,278 --> 00:06:24,124
I'm not taking a prostitute to Robin's banquet.

132
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:26,381
The only people who will know are you, me and Marshall.

133
00:06:26,382 --> 00:06:27,456
No one will suspect a thing.

134
00:06:27,457 --> 00:06:31,292
They'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...

135
00:06:31,293 --> 00:06:33,392
Okay, that's a little bit suspicious.

136
00:06:34,925 --> 00:06:38,326
Look, I'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight.

137
00:06:38,327 --> 00:06:41,638
But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.

138
00:06:41,639 --> 00:06:43,020
500 bucks?

139
00:06:43,029 --> 00:06:45,162
Ted, you're my cabron.

140
00:06:45,163 --> 00:06:48,883
You think I'm gonna stick you with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority?

141
00:06:49,673 --> 00:06:51,275
Look at how hot she is.

142
00:06:51,276 --> 00:06:53,308
Robin would be so jealous.

143
00:06:53,309 --> 00:06:56,350
I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney.

144
00:06:56,350 --> 00:07:00,142
Look, I... tell Mary, thanks, but no thanks. I have a soul.

145
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:06,183
And then your Uncle Marhsall and I had one of our famous telepathic conversations.

146
00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:07,927
Check out Robin's date.

147
00:07:07,929 --> 00:07:09,067
I know.

148
00:07:09,068 --> 00:07:10,402
Is that who I think it is?

149
00:07:10,403 --> 00:07:11,410
Yep.

150
00:07:11,411 --> 00:07:13,691
It's Sandy Rivers.

151
00:07:13,819 --> 00:07:16,709
Sandy Rivers was the face of Metro News One,

152
00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:19,876
the most low-budget cable news network ever.

153
00:07:19,877 --> 00:07:22,182
Sandy time. Sandy time!

154
00:07:22,183 --> 00:07:25,876
He was best known for his morning segment "In Today's Paper,"

155
00:07:25,877 --> 00:07:28,910
during which he literally flipped through today's papers,

156
00:07:28,911 --> 00:07:30,371
reading them aloud to viewers.

157
00:07:30,372 --> 00:07:33,996
Here we have, on the front page, a story about a...

158
00:07:33,997 --> 00:07:38,361
I guess, a guy in a superhero costume climbing the Empire State Building.

159
00:07:39,014 --> 00:07:40,502
Looks interesting.

160
00:07:41,213 --> 00:07:45,079
These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours.

161
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,166
Which Sandy do we want today?

162
00:07:47,478 --> 00:07:49,737
French Sandy, porn star Sandy...?

163
00:07:49,738 --> 00:07:51,103
Yosemite Sandy, definitely.

164
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:52,791
Excellent choice.

165
00:08:02,776 --> 00:08:05,114
I love this guy.

166
00:08:05,115 --> 00:08:07,517
I hate this guy.

167
00:08:10,175 --> 00:08:11,509
Hey.

168
00:08:11,606 --> 00:08:13,463
- Hi.
- I'm Lily.

169
00:08:13,464 --> 00:08:15,024
Hi. Mary. It's nice to meet you.

170
00:08:15,025 --> 00:08:17,659
Mary is a friend of Barney's. Barney invited her.

171
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:20,093
Just met Mary ourselves. Don't know too much about Mary.

172
00:08:20,094 --> 00:08:21,285
Look, a beer.

173
00:08:24,135 --> 00:08:25,036
Hey.

174
00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:26,093
Hi.

175
00:08:26,094 --> 00:08:28,333
- You look nice.
- Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy.

176
00:08:28,334 --> 00:08:32,621
Hi. Sandy Rivers. Use my full name. People get a kick out of it.

177
00:08:32,622 --> 00:08:34,052
Hi, Sandy.

178
00:08:34,104 --> 00:08:35,444
Rivers.

179
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:37,607
So are you two, uh...

180
00:08:37,608 --> 00:08:39,619
Starting a bunch of office rumors?

181
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,243
Looks that way. Looks that way.

182
00:08:43,254 --> 00:08:45,517
Oh, how rude of me.

183
00:08:45,518 --> 00:08:48,703
Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers...

184
00:08:49,082 --> 00:08:51,961
this is Mary, my date.

185
00:08:59,309 --> 00:09:03,627
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual Local Area Media Awards.

186
00:09:03,628 --> 00:09:05,536
Please say hello to our host for the evening,

187
00:09:05,537 --> 00:09:07,919
king of the Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie,

188
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,619
Vampire Lou!

189
00:09:13,903 --> 00:09:17,756
Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting

190
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:21,014
and the triumph of the human spirit.

191
00:09:21,285 --> 00:09:24,911
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.

192
00:09:25,545 --> 00:09:28,310
I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.

193
00:09:28,631 --> 00:09:32,308
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily go to the ladies' room together, man.

194
00:09:32,309 --> 00:09:33,884
Secrets come out in there.

195
00:09:33,885 --> 00:09:35,226
Oh, please. How's it's going to come out?

196
00:09:35,227 --> 00:09:38,046
"Uh, pass me a towel. P.S., I have sex for money."

197
00:09:38,047 --> 00:09:40,381
- Who has sex for money?
- Nobody.

198
00:09:40,382 --> 00:09:42,632
What did you guys talk about in there? Anything interesting?

199
00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:44,376
No, not really.

200
00:09:44,724 --> 00:09:47,878
We just chitchatted and I borrowed her lipstick.

201
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:54,906
Why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie?

202
00:09:54,907 --> 00:09:57,119
You know, it just makes no sense.

203
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,032
God, that pisses me off.

204
00:09:59,187 --> 00:10:00,700
Lily, you okay?

205
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:04,208
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky.

206
00:10:04,209 --> 00:10:06,467
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.

207
00:10:06,508 --> 00:10:09,111
"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."

208
00:10:10,791 --> 00:10:13,393
Wow. Why are you so tired?

209
00:10:13,394 --> 00:10:18,645
Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my nap time, the kids' nap time.

210
00:10:18,917 --> 00:10:20,249
Lily, quit your job.

211
00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:22,634
Work at a private school. You won't have to deal with the school board,

212
00:10:22,635 --> 00:10:24,367
and you'll make a ton more money.

213
00:10:24,368 --> 00:10:25,536
Well, guess what, Barney?

214
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:29,193
I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm going to make,

215
00:10:29,194 --> 00:10:31,349
unlike you and, sadly, my fiance.

216
00:10:31,350 --> 00:10:33,294
Well, it's just an internship, for the record.

217
00:10:33,295 --> 00:10:37,328
Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck,

218
00:10:37,329 --> 00:10:39,245
what would that make me?

219
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,060
A prostitute.

220
00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:43,529
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.

221
00:10:43,530 --> 00:10:46,025
So, Mary, what do you do for a living?

222
00:10:46,026 --> 00:10:47,707
She's a paralegal.

223
00:10:49,462 --> 00:10:51,346
Yes, I'm a paralegal.

224
00:10:51,382 --> 00:10:53,802
Oh, so, Mary the paralegal.

225
00:10:53,803 --> 00:10:56,583
What does a paralegal do exactly?

226
00:10:57,404 --> 00:11:02,055
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm downtown.

227
00:11:02,056 --> 00:11:03,738
Oh, what firm?

228
00:11:03,821 --> 00:11:06,129
Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.

229
00:11:06,130 --> 00:11:07,530
That's a real law firm.

230
00:11:07,531 --> 00:11:09,006
I know.

231
00:11:09,007 --> 00:11:10,607
Nice.

232
00:11:11,406 --> 00:11:13,210
You're pretty good on your feet.

233
00:11:13,211 --> 00:11:14,927
Are you flirting with me?

234
00:11:14,928 --> 00:11:16,337
Is that allowed?

235
00:11:16,338 --> 00:11:18,735
Yes, it's encouraged.

236
00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:22,699
You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, but...

237
00:11:22,755 --> 00:11:24,198
well, considering...

238
00:11:24,568 --> 00:11:27,813
I'm just going to say it. You are so hot!

239
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,496
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.

240
00:11:30,817 --> 00:11:33,759
Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him.

241
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,545
Don't let him out of your sight for a minute.

242
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,163
So, Sandy, what do you do?

243
00:11:40,164 --> 00:11:42,039
Oh, wait, I know what you do.

244
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,026
You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.

245
00:11:44,027 --> 00:11:45,556
You got me.

246
00:11:45,717 --> 00:11:47,100
What do you do, Ted?

247
00:11:47,101 --> 00:11:49,424
Oh, same thing as you-- I read the paper every morning.

248
00:11:49,425 --> 00:11:53,170
But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real job as an architect

249
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,664
where I make an actual contribution to the world.

250
00:11:55,822 --> 00:11:58,460
I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.

251
00:11:58,461 --> 00:11:59,769
Thanks.

252
00:11:59,822 --> 00:12:01,888
I never tire of hearing that.

253
00:12:04,463 --> 00:12:10,001
Hey, you know that scene in Empire where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head?

254
00:12:10,002 --> 00:12:13,178
Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning?

255
00:12:14,011 --> 00:12:18,739
You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love.

256
00:12:18,775 --> 00:12:21,676
Damn, you just got even hotter.

257
00:12:24,361 --> 00:12:27,932
And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize,

258
00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:32,704
this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great.

259
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:38,569
- Hey.
- Hey.

260
00:12:38,570 --> 00:12:40,219
Mary seems nice.

261
00:12:40,220 --> 00:12:41,788
Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting

262
00:12:41,789 --> 00:12:44,953
until you're in a serious relationship with someone else?

263
00:12:44,954 --> 00:12:48,080
I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened.

264
00:12:48,081 --> 00:12:49,933
And just like that, it's all okay.

265
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:50,932
Roll credits.

266
00:12:50,933 --> 00:12:53,907
So you're going to be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now?

267
00:12:53,908 --> 00:12:55,927
- We're still friends.
- Are we?

268
00:12:55,928 --> 00:12:57,995
You don't return my calls, we never hang out

269
00:12:57,996 --> 00:13:01,373
and now you're trying to make my jealous by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?

270
00:13:01,374 --> 00:13:05,438
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?

271
00:13:05,439 --> 00:13:07,517
Oh, so now she's a whore?

272
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:09,646
What?

273
00:13:09,647 --> 00:13:13,088
You know something? Mary the paralegal is awesome.

274
00:13:13,089 --> 00:13:15,199
And you know what else? I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous,

275
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,051
I came here to support you as a friend.

276
00:13:17,052 --> 00:13:19,453
And frankly, I'm sick of trying.

277
00:13:22,891 --> 00:13:24,552
I like that guy.

278
00:13:28,479 --> 00:13:30,389
- Hey.
- Hey.

279
00:13:30,390 --> 00:13:31,986
What were you guys talking about over there?

280
00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:36,534
Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome.

281
00:13:36,995 --> 00:13:38,455
Well, thanks.

282
00:13:39,293 --> 00:13:42,431
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in.

283
00:13:42,432 --> 00:13:43,853
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.

284
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:45,590
You should see the rooms. The views are amazing.

285
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:48,981
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room.

286
00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:52,562
Room 1506. My treat. You kids go nuts.

287
00:13:52,563 --> 00:13:54,408
Actually, don't use the mini-bar.

288
00:14:01,554 --> 00:14:03,783
Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.

289
00:14:03,784 --> 00:14:06,244
This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.

290
00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:07,353
Sleep with a prostitute?

291
00:14:07,354 --> 00:14:09,689
No, lose your virginity. What up.

292
00:14:09,693 --> 00:14:14,194
Statistic-- men who have had at least one relationship with a prostitute

293
00:14:14,195 --> 00:14:18,140
are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships.

294
00:14:18,141 --> 00:14:18,910
You just made that up.

295
00:14:18,911 --> 00:14:20,589
- Withdrawn.
- Lawyered.

296
00:14:20,632 --> 00:14:23,439
Okay, three things. First of all, Robin's category's almost up.

297
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,514
And second of all, you cannot do this.

298
00:14:25,515 --> 00:14:27,162
It's wrong on every level.

299
00:14:27,163 --> 00:14:31,558
And third, I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night. He still hasn't noticed.

300
00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:35,110
I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this. It's just... it's a shame.

301
00:14:35,111 --> 00:14:36,081
She's really cool.

302
00:14:36,082 --> 00:14:38,772
- Yeah, well... there we go.
- Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson for

303
00:14:38,773 --> 00:14:42,454
A Bicycle-- Joyride or Deathtrap?

304
00:14:42,455 --> 00:14:46,578
Mike Murphy for 13, Pregnant and Addicted.

305
00:14:46,579 --> 00:14:50,768
And Robin Scherbotsky for Pickles, the Singing Dog.

306
00:14:50,769 --> 00:14:52,220
And the winner is...

307
00:14:52,221 --> 00:14:54,519
Robin Scherbotsky.

308
00:15:00,368 --> 00:15:01,353
Thanks.

309
00:15:03,642 --> 00:15:06,854
Oh, wow. This is really a surprise.

310
00:15:06,855 --> 00:15:11,777
Um, you know it's nice to be able to share this award with my friends.

311
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,152
They're all here tonight.

312
00:15:13,153 --> 00:15:15,886
Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers...

313
00:15:17,935 --> 00:15:19,302
Barney...

314
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,062
And that's it. Those are all my friends.

315
00:15:23,063 --> 00:15:24,425
Thank you.

316
00:15:31,728 --> 00:15:34,419
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.

317
00:15:34,699 --> 00:15:37,678
Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?

318
00:15:37,679 --> 00:15:39,568
Sure. Let's go.

319
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:43,297
Yeah, this party's dead. Mary, you want to go upstairs?

320
00:15:44,381 --> 00:15:46,755
We, uh, got a room.

321
00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:50,729
Dude, what are you doing?

322
00:15:50,882 --> 00:15:52,019
What's it look like?

323
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:55,126
It looks bad, is what it looks like. You cannot do this.

324
00:15:55,127 --> 00:15:58,116
Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her.

325
00:15:58,117 --> 00:16:00,488
Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous.

326
00:16:00,489 --> 00:16:02,726
Oh, that's real mature.

327
00:16:02,815 --> 00:16:06,078
Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?

328
00:16:06,079 --> 00:16:08,367
Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it.

329
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,388
Fine. Do what you want.

330
00:16:10,811 --> 00:16:12,015
Hey.

331
00:16:12,813 --> 00:16:14,163
Should we go?

332
00:16:14,164 --> 00:16:15,508
Yeah.

333
00:16:16,759 --> 00:16:17,985
Thanks.

334
00:16:17,986 --> 00:16:19,371
Well...

335
00:16:19,805 --> 00:16:20,913
Good night.

336
00:16:21,265 --> 00:16:22,578
Good night.

337
00:16:38,076 --> 00:16:39,521
So, did you and Barney ever...?

338
00:16:39,522 --> 00:16:41,122
There's not enough money in the world.

339
00:16:41,123 --> 00:16:42,646
Oh, thank God.

340
00:16:46,575 --> 00:16:48,379
Wow, so they're...?

341
00:16:50,230 --> 00:16:52,856
Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?

342
00:16:52,857 --> 00:16:54,580
I put him in a cab.

343
00:16:54,715 --> 00:16:55,944
So you and he aren't...?

344
00:16:55,945 --> 00:16:58,046
I don't date people I work with.

345
00:16:58,131 --> 00:17:00,523
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.

346
00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:01,483
Is he...?

347
00:17:01,484 --> 00:17:03,450
He's off trying to make you jealous.

348
00:17:03,796 --> 00:17:05,505
Oh, well, good for them.

349
00:17:06,223 --> 00:17:09,524
And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool.

350
00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,933
Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this,

351
00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:17,539
and we tell each other everything. So, here it goes.

352
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,769
Mary's not a paralegal.

353
00:17:19,875 --> 00:17:21,391
She's a prostitute.

354
00:17:21,392 --> 00:17:23,551
Mary's a prostitute?

355
00:17:23,966 --> 00:17:24,931
What?!

356
00:17:24,932 --> 00:17:26,395
Barney paid for her.

357
00:17:27,218 --> 00:17:28,725
Is that true?

358
00:17:28,726 --> 00:17:31,860
We were having a conversation about prostitution,

359
00:17:31,861 --> 00:17:34,826
and then Barney calls her up and then she shows up at the bar

360
00:17:34,827 --> 00:17:36,783
and now she and Ted are upstairs.

361
00:17:36,784 --> 00:17:39,260
Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted lately?

362
00:17:39,261 --> 00:17:41,636
Is he having a nervous breakdown?

363
00:17:41,789 --> 00:17:45,944
You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low,

364
00:17:45,945 --> 00:17:48,752
but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.

365
00:17:50,193 --> 00:17:53,927
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick! Ah!

366
00:17:53,929 --> 00:17:55,245
That's her napkin.

367
00:17:55,246 --> 00:17:56,576
No!

368
00:17:57,849 --> 00:18:00,770
Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any.

369
00:18:00,771 --> 00:18:03,153
In keeping with tonight's award show motif,

370
00:18:03,154 --> 00:18:06,533
I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending!

371
00:18:09,606 --> 00:18:11,689
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?

372
00:18:13,585 --> 00:18:17,014
"Mary's not really a prostitute."

373
00:18:17,241 --> 00:18:18,070
What?

374
00:18:18,071 --> 00:18:19,900
That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.

375
00:18:19,901 --> 00:18:21,419
- So she's not...?
- No.

376
00:18:21,420 --> 00:18:23,771
Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building.

377
00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:25,834
Oh-- ha-ha! And here's the best part--

378
00:18:25,835 --> 00:18:28,520
she has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker.

379
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,298
Oh, come on.

380
00:18:32,299 --> 00:18:34,725
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

381
00:18:45,409 --> 00:18:47,782
I feel kind of like Richard Gere.

382
00:18:48,459 --> 00:18:51,073
- Not shy about your looks, are you?
- No.

383
00:18:53,336 --> 00:18:56,552
You know, Mary, I've never done this before.

384
00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:57,982
Done what?

385
00:18:57,983 --> 00:19:02,555
You know, been... on a "date."

386
00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:04,387
Yeah, right.

387
00:19:05,191 --> 00:19:06,632
Wait, you're kidding, right?

388
00:19:06,633 --> 00:19:07,915
No.

389
00:19:07,916 --> 00:19:09,793
Why, is that so odd?

390
00:19:09,794 --> 00:19:15,465
Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15.

391
00:19:15,684 --> 00:19:17,866
God, you were just a kid.

392
00:19:18,619 --> 00:19:22,182
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax and...

393
00:19:22,183 --> 00:19:26,894
Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long.

394
00:19:27,445 --> 00:19:28,762
Must be tough.

395
00:19:28,763 --> 00:19:31,446
Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone.

396
00:19:31,447 --> 00:19:33,543
I mean, talk about anal.

397
00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:42,289
Well, here we are.

398
00:19:45,777 --> 00:19:49,169
Okay, look, Mary, I like you a lot.

399
00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:53,358
I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you, but I can't do this.

400
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,780
You're a hooker.

401
00:19:55,807 --> 00:19:57,162
What?

402
00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:00,351
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.

403
00:20:00,352 --> 00:20:02,531
I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.

404
00:20:02,532 --> 00:20:05,497
No... Ted, I'm a paralegal.

405
00:20:05,498 --> 00:20:07,413
Come on, Mary, there's no one else around.

406
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:09,045
You're a hooker.

407
00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:11,207
No, Ted...

408
00:20:11,358 --> 00:20:12,999
I'm a paralegal.

409
00:20:13,241 --> 00:20:16,190
No, you're a hooker.

410
00:20:17,102 --> 00:20:20,643
No, I'm a paralegal.

411
00:20:24,052 --> 00:20:26,161
You're a paralegal.

412
00:20:29,969 --> 00:20:31,815
That was not funny.

413
00:20:31,816 --> 00:20:33,131
Not funny, dude.

414
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,665
I know, it was hilarious.

415
00:20:35,724 --> 00:20:37,461
Why would you do that?

416
00:20:37,462 --> 00:20:39,309
I did it to prove a point.

417
00:20:39,310 --> 00:20:41,050
What point?

418
00:20:42,261 --> 00:20:44,457
Stay with me. It's going to come to me.

419
00:20:45,590 --> 00:20:48,306
No. Ah, okay, here's the point.

420
00:20:48,307 --> 00:20:50,306
You thought that Mary was a sure thing, right?

421
00:20:50,307 --> 00:20:54,161
So what happened? She took you up to a hotel room on the first date.

422
00:20:54,162 --> 00:20:57,146
All you have to do is be that confident with every girl you meet

423
00:20:57,147 --> 00:20:58,333
and your slump is over.

424
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:01,440
So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore?

425
00:21:01,441 --> 00:21:03,583
Come on, dude, you should be thanking me.

426
00:21:03,584 --> 00:21:05,496
She slapped me and stormed off.

427
00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:08,320
Can you blame her? You called her a hooker.

428
00:21:09,562 --> 00:21:12,097
I'm sorry, dude, it was funny.

429
00:21:12,098 --> 00:21:15,670
Yeah. Well, it's getting late. I should get back to my room.

430
00:21:15,671 --> 00:21:16,450
Your room?

431
00:21:16,451 --> 00:21:19,532
Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card--

432
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:20,584
never checked out.

433
00:21:20,585 --> 00:21:22,782
By the way, you know what's super fun?

434
00:21:22,783 --> 00:21:25,491
Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain.

435
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:28,524
Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles.

436
00:21:31,642 --> 00:21:34,841
Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.