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General InformationEdit

Title "Milk"
Format SubRip
Extension .srt
Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_(How_I_Met_Your_Mother)

SubtitlesEdit

1
00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:16,871
Kids, life is a dark road.

2
00:00:16,872 --> 00:00:18,864
You never really know what's up ahead.

3
00:00:18,875 --> 00:00:21,602
One night you're cruising along enjoying the ride,

4
00:00:21,603 --> 00:00:23,302
and then all of a sudden,

5
00:00:24,088 --> 00:00:25,470
you're 28.

6
00:00:25,474 --> 00:00:27,788
And for the birthday boy, lasagna.

7
00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:28,736
Thank you.

8
00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:30,860
Careful. The plate is very hot.

9
00:00:30,861 --> 00:00:31,984
'Kay.

10
00:00:32,893 --> 00:00:34,736
Oh, go on, touch it.

11
00:00:35,290 --> 00:00:38,362
Ah! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate.

12
00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:41,693
All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?

13
00:00:41,693 --> 00:00:43,027
Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.

14
00:00:43,032 --> 00:00:45,252
I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.

15
00:00:45,252 --> 00:00:47,493
You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing

16
00:00:47,493 --> 00:00:49,951
and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck...

17
00:00:49,951 --> 00:00:52,295
in addition to probably being kind of healthy.

18
00:00:52,901 --> 00:00:57,075
Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time.

19
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,228
Barney.

20
00:00:58,603 --> 00:01:00,707
Oy, gevalt.

21
00:01:01,642 --> 00:01:04,578
- Ah... Happy birthday, Ted. 
- Whoo-hoo!

22
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,758
Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y...

23
00:01:08,782 --> 00:01:10,035
Oh, my God.

24
00:01:10,043 --> 00:01:11,172
What?

25
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:13,090
Oh! Call an ambulance!

26
00:01:13,090 --> 00:01:14,883
- What's going on?
- Try not to speak.

27
00:01:14,883 --> 00:01:17,098
Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk.

28
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:19,552
- Is she okay?
- I'm serious, call 911.

29
00:01:19,552 --> 00:01:20,841
What's wrong? What's the matter?

30
00:01:20,841 --> 00:01:23,680
Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try...

31
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,848
Here, have some water. Water!

32
00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:27,991
Here, drink this.

33
00:01:27,991 --> 00:01:29,705
Shh! Shh!

34
00:01:30,212 --> 00:01:32,823
You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am

35
00:01:32,823 --> 00:01:35,130
that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.

36
00:01:35,130 --> 00:01:36,945
Wait for it.

37
00:01:37,043 --> 00:01:41,088
28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh.

38
00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:44,288
Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad.

39
00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:47,622
Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story.

40
00:01:47,622 --> 00:01:49,282
But I'll get to that later.

41
00:01:49,282 --> 00:01:53,352
Still, you know, another year older. Still single.

42
00:01:53,352 --> 00:01:56,092
You don't hear your Tedological clock ticking?

43
00:01:56,092 --> 00:01:58,967
Nope. I hit the snooze button.

44
00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,130
And here come the paramedics.

45
00:02:01,130 --> 00:02:02,892
Oh, thank God, you're here.

46
00:02:02,892 --> 00:02:04,073
What is going on?!

47
00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:05,661
I think there might be some internal bleeding.

48
00:02:05,661 --> 00:02:08,223
Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital.

49
00:02:08,223 --> 00:02:09,360
What are you talking about?

50
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,773
- You've had a terrible fall.
- No, I haven't.

51
00:02:11,773 --> 00:02:14,861
Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven.

52
00:02:14,861 --> 00:02:16,225
Angel...

53
00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:21,428
Give him your number. What?

54
00:02:21,481 --> 00:02:23,910
Give him your number. What?

55
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,710
- Give him your number.
- Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.

56
00:02:26,710 --> 00:02:30,407
- Give him your number.
- What are you...? Come on.

57
00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:33,496
They're not going to stop 'til you give me your number.

58
00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:36,757
- All right!
- It works!

59
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,162
I cannot believe that she gave him her number.

60
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,585
Maybe she really does have a brain injury.

61
00:02:45,611 --> 00:02:47,932
Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun.

62
00:02:47,932 --> 00:02:50,860
It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well. Thanks a lot, guys.

63
00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:53,975
Troilus and Cressida. Neighborhood Playhouse. Check them out, they're good.

64
00:02:55,903 --> 00:02:59,413
I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle.

65
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:01,603
If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.

66
00:03:01,603 --> 00:03:02,831
Well, what's perfect?

67
00:03:02,831 --> 00:03:04,921
- It's not like I have a list.
- Oh, yes, you do.

68
00:03:04,921 --> 00:03:08,283
Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids-- a boy and a girl...

69
00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:10,022
- That's not hard. I know at least...
- I'm not done.

70
00:03:10,022 --> 00:03:13,283
She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword.

71
00:03:13,283 --> 00:03:16,753
She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine.

72
00:03:16,753 --> 00:03:20,081
That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.

73
00:03:20,081 --> 00:03:21,788
Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.

74
00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:23,843
Any Kim from any cool band, really.

75
00:03:23,843 --> 00:03:25,025
Can't be too picky.

76
00:03:25,033 --> 00:03:26,790
You're never going to find this girl.

77
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,552
Exactly. So I'm just going to wait for her to come to me.

78
00:03:29,552 --> 00:03:32,011
I am done trying to plan the unplannable.

79
00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:34,830
So, what, you think fate's just going to take care of it?

80
00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:36,468
That's the plan.

81
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:41,591
And little did I know, at that very moment, fate--

82
00:03:41,591 --> 00:03:45,702
in the form of a 600 gigahertz superprocessing computer--

83
00:03:45,702 --> 00:03:47,546
was taking care of it.

84
00:03:52,391 --> 00:03:53,960
Whoa, you're up early.

85
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,173
Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.

86
00:03:56,173 --> 00:03:57,140
Does Marshall know?

87
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:59,038
He's still sound asleep.

88
00:04:05,263 --> 00:04:06,768
Awesome.

89
00:04:06,991 --> 00:04:08,953
So awesome.

90
00:04:08,953 --> 00:04:11,240
God! Best girl ever.

91
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,991
Screw these pancakes, I should cover you in syrup and gobble you up.

92
00:04:14,991 --> 00:04:16,556
Please don't do that.

93
00:04:17,931 --> 00:04:19,696
Hey, is this milk any good?

94
00:04:23,082 --> 00:04:25,593
Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.

95
00:04:25,593 --> 00:04:27,605
God, why didn't you throw it away?

96
00:04:28,722 --> 00:04:31,447
I'm going shopping after work. I'll pick up some milk.

97
00:04:31,890 --> 00:04:35,937
Oh...! These pancakes are delightful.

98
00:04:38,491 --> 00:04:40,228
What's wrong, baby?

99
00:04:41,492 --> 00:04:43,541
This is the high point of my day.

100
00:04:43,541 --> 00:04:44,643
It was true.

101
00:04:44,643 --> 00:04:48,496
See, Marshall had always dreamed of using his law degree to protect the environment.

102
00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:49,980
But he needed money for the wedding,

103
00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:52,785
so he'd been interning for two months at Barney's firm...

104
00:04:52,791 --> 00:04:54,973
and he hated every minute of it.

105
00:04:54,973 --> 00:04:58,453
Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms.

106
00:04:58,453 --> 00:05:00,698
Binoculars. Second pair on my desk.

107
00:05:00,732 --> 00:05:04,021
I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do.

108
00:05:04,021 --> 00:05:05,885
Just take a look, will ya?

109
00:05:08,491 --> 00:05:10,996
Okay, corner office. Top floor.

110
00:05:11,610 --> 00:05:13,325
Check out that guy.

111
00:05:13,543 --> 00:05:15,373
Name's Clark Butterfield.

112
00:05:15,373 --> 00:05:17,822
He works over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West

113
00:05:17,822 --> 00:05:21,080
and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs.

114
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,345
So?

115
00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:25,333
So guess what I did to that sandwich?

116
00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:26,775
Here, I took a picture.

117
00:05:29,902 --> 00:05:32,287
Oh! Sweet Lord.

118
00:05:32,382 --> 00:05:35,678
And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.

119
00:05:47,483 --> 00:05:48,965
Ooh! Duck!

120
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:50,967
That is sick!

121
00:05:53,761 --> 00:05:55,260
Why would you do that?

122
00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:58,913
Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot.

123
00:05:58,913 --> 00:06:00,856
- You?
- Totally.

124
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:07,068
Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great.

125
00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:08,691
What?

126
00:06:08,691 --> 00:06:12,473
Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern.

127
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,330
This is war, Eriksen. I need you to clear your schedule,

128
00:06:15,330 --> 00:06:17,330
call Lily, tell her you'll be home late.

129
00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:18,700
This is stupid.

130
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:23,022
Stu... Come on, man, I didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills.

131
00:06:23,022 --> 00:06:26,965
I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.

132
00:06:27,171 --> 00:06:29,081
This is a job for me, Barney.

133
00:06:29,081 --> 00:06:31,061
It's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it.

134
00:06:31,061 --> 00:06:33,506
Now I'm sorry, but I have work to do.

135
00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:38,616
Tracy, could you come in here, please?

136
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,585
Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to him.

137
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:48,540
Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...

138
00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:50,165
I get it. Thank you, Tracy.

139
00:06:56,371 --> 00:06:57,180
Hello?

140
00:06:57,180 --> 00:07:01,381
Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?

141
00:07:01,381 --> 00:07:02,283
Speaking.

142
00:07:02,283 --> 00:07:06,782
Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir? Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions.

143
00:07:06,782 --> 00:07:09,110
You signed up for our services about six months ago.

144
00:07:09,110 --> 00:07:12,130
Uh, yeah. You guys never found me a match.

145
00:07:12,130 --> 00:07:15,573
Right. Well... actually, that's why I'm calling.

146
00:07:15,573 --> 00:07:17,161
We found her, sir.

147
00:07:17,161 --> 00:07:19,255
We found your soul mate.

148
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,948
I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce? Doesn't she run this place?

149
00:07:24,952 --> 00:07:27,643
Well, my firm bought out the company.

150
00:07:27,643 --> 00:07:30,192
You know, we're a high-end meats and textiles conglomerate,

151
00:07:30,192 --> 00:07:34,851
but the geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify, so...

152
00:07:34,851 --> 00:07:36,407
here I am.

153
00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:38,468
So I'm in good hands.

154
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,252
You found me a match?

155
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:44,451
There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks.

156
00:07:44,451 --> 00:07:47,753
No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged.

157
00:07:47,753 --> 00:07:50,690
She's not engaged. She's your soul mate.

158
00:07:50,690 --> 00:07:52,447
Just read the file.

159
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:59,913
So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect.

160
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,331
She liked dogs, she spent her summers in North Carolina,

161
00:08:03,331 --> 00:08:06,103
she played bass guitar, she did the Times crossword,

162
00:08:06,103 --> 00:08:09,100
she played tennis, she liked old movies, her favorite food was lasagna,

163
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:12,470
her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera, her favorite singer was Otis Redding

164
00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:15,876
and she wanted two kids-- a boy and a girl.

165
00:08:16,922 --> 00:08:19,725
All right, fine. Set it up.

166
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,630
You wanted to see me, so I guess that means we're talking again?

167
00:08:23,630 --> 00:08:26,806
Will you taste this latte for me? I think they gave me decaf.

168
00:08:31,453 --> 00:08:32,802
Tastes normal to me.

169
00:08:32,802 --> 00:08:34,222
That's what I thought, too.

170
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,140
Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.

171
00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:37,505
Oh, God!

172
00:08:38,272 --> 00:08:39,948
It got me as well.

173
00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:42,400
Well, then why did you have me drink it?!

174
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:46,048
Because now... you're in.

175
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,926
Okay.

176
00:08:48,010 --> 00:08:51,926
Don't think I'm overlooking the obvious fact that I should just be mad at you.

177
00:08:52,041 --> 00:08:56,827
But Executive Mischief Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty.

178
00:08:57,193 --> 00:08:59,798
Let's make that bastard pay.

179
00:08:59,911 --> 00:09:01,583
You think that we should brush our teeth first?

180
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,195
Yeah, it's probably a good idea.

181
00:09:04,362 --> 00:09:07,680
So that night I had a blind date with my perfect match.

182
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,760
I was so excited, I got there early.

183
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,795
But before it even started...

184
00:09:14,712 --> 00:09:15,582
Lily?

185
00:09:15,582 --> 00:09:17,393
Hey, Ted, are you busy?

186
00:09:17,393 --> 00:09:19,648
Um... yes.

187
00:09:19,813 --> 00:09:22,113
Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot.

188
00:09:22,113 --> 00:09:26,772
Listen, could you take a cab out to Duchess County and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?

189
00:09:26,772 --> 00:09:29,520
What? What? No.

190
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:31,271
Can't you just call Marshall?

191
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,431
Marshall can't know about this.

192
00:09:33,431 --> 00:09:36,730
Look, Ted, it's dark, I don't know how to change a tire,

193
00:09:36,730 --> 00:09:40,975
and I've stumbled into the beginning of a very scary campfire story.

194
00:09:40,982 --> 00:09:43,371
- Can you please hurry?
- I can't, I'm waiting...

195
00:09:43,371 --> 00:09:46,922
Oh, my God, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand?

196
00:09:46,922 --> 00:09:49,032
No, drifter, no!

197
00:09:49,032 --> 00:09:50,261
Come on, Lily.

198
00:09:50,261 --> 00:09:52,177
But you see my point.

199
00:09:53,122 --> 00:09:56,278
All right, stay there. I'm on my way.

200
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:06,545
And so, one $90 cab ride later, I was in the middle of nowhere.

201
00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:09,573
Oh, thank God.

202
00:10:09,573 --> 00:10:12,340
I'm so sorry about this. Did you get ahold of your date?

203
00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:13,020
Y es.

204
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:15,235
And was she okay about pushing it back?

205
00:10:15,241 --> 00:10:18,062
Yes. Because she's perfect. So what am I doing here?

206
00:10:18,062 --> 00:10:20,296
- You can never tell Marshall.
- I won't.

207
00:10:20,301 --> 00:10:24,340
Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl.

208
00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,408
I swear on Luke and Leia.

209
00:10:27,790 --> 00:10:31,626
About a month ago, I started getting insomnia.

210
00:10:31,843 --> 00:10:35,560
Marrying Marshall had been all I wanted for a long time.

211
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:39,620
But, now that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary.

212
00:10:39,620 --> 00:10:41,422
Did you talk to Marshall about it?

213
00:10:41,422 --> 00:10:45,787
He wouldn't have understood. He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot.

214
00:10:49,630 --> 00:10:52,983
So I spent my nights reading, painting,

215
00:10:52,983 --> 00:10:55,292
setting the high score on Super Bomber Man...

216
00:10:55,292 --> 00:10:56,812
That was you? Awesome!

217
00:10:56,812 --> 00:10:59,493
I know! I just got in the zone and...

218
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,295
Not the point of the story.

219
00:11:01,342 --> 00:11:05,910
And then I started thinking about Victoria and how she followed her dream to Germany,

220
00:11:05,910 --> 00:11:07,911
and I found that art fellowship.

221
00:11:07,911 --> 00:11:10,565
Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.

222
00:11:10,810 --> 00:11:12,555
San Francisco.

223
00:11:12,950 --> 00:11:15,761
But it's not like I'm going to do it.

224
00:11:15,761 --> 00:11:18,058
The dates conflict with the wedding.

225
00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:24,205
But I love painting, and I've always wondered if I'm any good.

226
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,412
This was a way to find out.

227
00:11:26,412 --> 00:11:28,088
And the interview is tonight.

228
00:11:28,092 --> 00:11:29,688
In New Haven.

229
00:11:34,982 --> 00:11:36,796
You don't want to get married.

230
00:11:36,891 --> 00:11:39,365
Of course I want to get married.

231
00:11:39,371 --> 00:11:42,950
I... It's not like I was ever going to do it.

232
00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:47,206
I just... I just really wanted to see if I could get this.

233
00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:51,473
Lily, we live in the center of art and culture in America.

234
00:11:51,473 --> 00:11:53,981
I'm sure you could find a program here that's just as selective.

235
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:58,212
But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell Marshall.

236
00:11:58,212 --> 00:12:00,777
I think it's pretty clear what that means.

237
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:07,156
Okay, I was... I was having second thoughts.

238
00:12:07,881 --> 00:12:10,300
But I'm not any more.

239
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:15,480
I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign. I'm not supposed to do this.

240
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:19,086
I'm supposed to go home and-and be with Marshall.

241
00:12:20,543 --> 00:12:23,965
- You must think I'm so stupid.
- I don't think you're stupid.

242
00:12:24,431 --> 00:12:27,625
- I love Marshall.
- I know you do. Come here.

243
00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:33,456
It's okay. Look...

244
00:12:33,651 --> 00:12:36,820
Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.

245
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:39,020
But why am I the only one?

246
00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:41,790
How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy?

247
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:46,018
So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice.

248
00:12:48,812 --> 00:12:50,055
All done.

249
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:55,293
Ted, let's go to New Haven.

250
00:12:55,293 --> 00:12:58,053
Lily, don't do this to yourself.

251
00:12:58,053 --> 00:13:00,370
I just need to know if I can get in.

252
00:13:00,370 --> 00:13:03,412
If I do this interview, and get into the program, then I'll know,

253
00:13:03,412 --> 00:13:05,742
and I can forget all about it, and get married.

254
00:13:05,742 --> 00:13:07,430
Come on! It's an adventure.

255
00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:10,195
No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.

256
00:13:10,203 --> 00:13:13,706
Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake.

257
00:13:13,712 --> 00:13:16,893
But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake

258
00:13:16,893 --> 00:13:18,400
but you don't really know it's a mistake

259
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,400
because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake,

260
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,905
and look back, and say, "Yep. That was a mistake."

261
00:13:23,911 --> 00:13:27,323
So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake,

262
00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:31,042
because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not.

263
00:13:31,042 --> 00:13:33,285
And, damn it, I've made no mistakes!

264
00:13:33,293 --> 00:13:39,458
I've done all of this-- my life, my relationship, my career-- mistake-free.

265
00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:42,223
Does any of this make sense to you?

266
00:13:42,223 --> 00:13:44,766
I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot.

267
00:13:45,162 --> 00:13:46,881
Lily, don't do this.

268
00:13:46,881 --> 00:13:50,270
Ted, I'm getting married in two months, and I'm freaking out,

269
00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:53,508
and you're my best friend, and you just have to forgive me for this.

270
00:13:53,512 --> 00:13:55,665
Forgive you for what? Lily.

271
00:13:56,081 --> 00:13:57,528
Lily!

272
00:14:01,703 --> 00:14:06,581
Hey, Lily, this is Ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road.

273
00:14:06,581 --> 00:14:10,150
I just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk...

274
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:14,307
Oh, and, when I get home, I'm going to kill you.

275
00:14:14,752 --> 00:14:17,257
And, also, I texted you the same thing.

276
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:27,580
- Hey, I need a big favor.
- Anything, bro.

277
00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:29,773
I need you to come up to Duchess County and pick me up.

278
00:14:29,773 --> 00:14:30,888
No.

279
00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:33,521
It's kind of an emergency.

280
00:14:33,521 --> 00:14:35,468
What are you doing in Duchess County?

281
00:14:35,510 --> 00:14:38,272
Apple picking. Can you just get up here?

282
00:14:38,272 --> 00:14:40,653
I wish I could help, buddy, but I'm stuck here at work.

283
00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:42,168
We're kind of swamped.

284
00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:43,321
Is that Ted?

285
00:14:43,321 --> 00:14:45,241
Yeah. He's stuck in Duchess County.

286
00:14:45,241 --> 00:14:46,810
Don't you have a big date tonight?

287
00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:49,723
Uh... Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.

288
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:52,165
So what are you doing in Duchess County?

289
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:56,227
Can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? Damn!

290
00:14:56,582 --> 00:14:58,660
Okay, well, hang on. I'm coming to get you.

291
00:14:58,660 --> 00:14:59,655
No!

292
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,163
Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.

293
00:15:01,163 --> 00:15:05,160
No, no, no. Just... forget it. Ha, ha! A little prank.

294
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,175
I'm not in Duchess County.

295
00:15:07,311 --> 00:15:10,285
So that's the prank? That you're not in Duchess County?

296
00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:13,958
Yep. Gotcha! Classic!

297
00:15:13,962 --> 00:15:15,197
Gotta go.

298
00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:20,875
Hey, check out this one. It actually looks like Butterfield.

299
00:15:23,171 --> 00:15:25,883
You know, over at the NRDC, it's a bunch of really committed people

300
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:29,991
who take their job of saving the earth very, very seriously.

301
00:15:29,991 --> 00:15:32,245
Which is great, and everything, but

302
00:15:32,251 --> 00:15:34,825
I can't imagine having this much fun over there.

303
00:15:35,473 --> 00:15:38,105
You thinking about coming to work here full-time?

304
00:15:38,181 --> 00:15:39,417
Maybe.

305
00:15:39,893 --> 00:15:41,646
Don't tell Lily, okay?

306
00:15:41,702 --> 00:15:43,262
Taking off for the night.

307
00:15:43,262 --> 00:15:44,841
Thanks, Tracy.

308
00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:49,255
Are you guys planning on punching some holes in that box?

309
00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,885
Of course we are.

310
00:15:52,983 --> 00:15:54,216
- Were you going to think of that?
- No.

311
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,947
- That would have been bad.
- Horrible.

312
00:15:57,311 --> 00:16:01,162
Luckily, there was still one person I could call to get a ride home.

313
00:16:01,162 --> 00:16:02,800
Need a ride, cowboy?

314
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,852
Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.

315
00:16:04,852 --> 00:16:07,316
Hmm, too bad. I got candy.

316
00:16:07,321 --> 00:16:09,045
Candy?!

317
00:16:11,152 --> 00:16:12,890
So you're not going to tell me what you were doing

318
00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:15,023
by the side of a highway in Duchess County?

319
00:16:15,023 --> 00:16:16,620
Nope. Sworn to secrecy.

320
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:18,183
Oh, come on.

321
00:16:18,183 --> 00:16:20,747
- I like your hat.
- Right.

322
00:16:21,123 --> 00:16:23,742
This is embarrassing. I got highlights.

323
00:16:23,742 --> 00:16:26,445
Oh, for the waiting room of your dental practice?

324
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,837
- Highlights is a children's magazine.
- Yeah, I got it.

325
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:35,641
I thought it might look cool. Of course my colorist took "highlights" to mean,

326
00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:38,812
"I want to look like a tiger," hence the hat.

327
00:16:38,812 --> 00:16:41,493
- Oh. I gotta see this.
- No way.

328
00:16:41,493 --> 00:16:43,763
Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad.

329
00:16:43,763 --> 00:16:46,108
I bet it looks grr-eat!

330
00:16:47,463 --> 00:16:50,966
So, she says, changing the subject.

331
00:16:51,063 --> 00:16:52,446
Big date tonight.

332
00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:55,106
How does she rate on the Mosby checklist?

333
00:16:55,110 --> 00:16:58,293
Kind of amazingly. Uh, she's 28, like me.

334
00:16:58,293 --> 00:17:00,933
Wow, I'm 28. Hmm.

335
00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:04,332
Uh, college educated-- check. Plays tennis-- check.

336
00:17:04,332 --> 00:17:06,930
Uh, favorite book is Love in the Time of Cholera-- check.

337
00:17:06,930 --> 00:17:08,485
I read that.

338
00:17:08,533 --> 00:17:11,548
More like "Love in the Time of Don't Bothera."

339
00:17:12,951 --> 00:17:15,653
You know, it's very rude to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.

340
00:17:15,653 --> 00:17:17,423
We're not indoors. We're in a van.

341
00:17:17,423 --> 00:17:19,172
Vans have doors-- let me see your hair.

342
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,233
Never. What else?

343
00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,283
- She loves lasagna.
- Barf.

344
00:17:23,283 --> 00:17:26,005
You know, I am sensing a pattern here.

345
00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:27,678
What else?

346
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:31,886
Let's see what else... Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger-- check.

347
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,520
And she's looking to get married and have kids?

348
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,261
Check and check. She wants two kids-- a boy and a girl.

349
00:17:38,261 --> 00:17:39,666
Wow.

350
00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:42,381
You know, I've been thinking about this.

351
00:17:42,381 --> 00:17:44,630
I think I want to have zero kids.

352
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,388
Really? You don't want kids?

353
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:50,745
You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you.

354
00:17:51,861 --> 00:17:53,667
Hey. I'm driving.

355
00:17:58,043 --> 00:18:01,111
Look at that. 8:56. You're early.

356
00:18:01,111 --> 00:18:03,210
Hey, thanks for picking me up.

357
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:04,753
Good luck on your date.

358
00:18:04,753 --> 00:18:07,308
I hope she's everything you're looking for.

359
00:18:08,370 --> 00:18:09,686
Thanks.

360
00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:16,337
All right, you've clearly had a rough night.

361
00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:19,661
I want you to go in there with a smile on your face, so, uh,

362
00:18:19,661 --> 00:18:20,990
here's what I'm going to do.

363
00:18:20,990 --> 00:18:22,480
You're going to show me your hair?

364
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,565
Actually, I was going to show you my breasts, but... sure, we can do hair.

365
00:18:36,113 --> 00:18:38,238
You just made my night.

366
00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:41,177
Go.

367
00:19:41,212 --> 00:19:44,281
Tomorrow morning, Barney's going to send out the package,

368
00:19:44,281 --> 00:19:47,925
and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep in angry white mice.

369
00:19:48,572 --> 00:19:50,796
- Oh, hey, dude.
- Hey, guys.

370
00:19:51,401 --> 00:19:52,427
Hi.

371
00:19:52,612 --> 00:19:53,827
Hey.

372
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:58,285
So, Lil, did you, uh, get the milk?

373
00:19:59,441 --> 00:20:02,926
Yeah. Yeah, I-I got it.

374
00:20:03,013 --> 00:20:06,795
You think you might want to... drink the milk?

375
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,605
No.

376
00:20:09,081 --> 00:20:11,045
Nope, I'm good.

377
00:20:11,202 --> 00:20:13,365
I don't need any milk.

378
00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:19,160
Look, guys, I know milk is important--

379
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,940
it's got vitamin A, vitamin D,

380
00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:24,851
it's a great way to start the morning-- but Ted just had a huge date.

381
00:20:24,851 --> 00:20:26,497
How'd it go, dude?

382
00:20:27,082 --> 00:20:28,366
I didn't go.

383
00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:29,863
What? Why?

384
00:20:29,863 --> 00:20:32,455
I changed my mind. I don't want to meet her.

385
00:20:32,611 --> 00:20:34,865
Why? She sounds perfect.

386
00:20:34,882 --> 00:20:36,685
I don't want perfect.

387
00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:38,877
I want Robin.

388
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,423
Oh, God, not this again. Ted, it's a mistake.

389
00:20:43,423 --> 00:20:44,688
Maybe.

390
00:20:44,983 --> 00:20:47,743
But it's a mistake I have to make.

391
00:20:47,743 --> 00:20:51,463
Wrong. It's a mistake you don't have to make. Look at the evidence.

392
00:20:51,463 --> 00:20:54,001
You and Robin have tried this again and again...

393
00:20:54,001 --> 00:20:55,711
Here's the thing about mistakes.

394
00:20:55,711 --> 00:20:58,620
Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake,

395
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:00,456
you gotta make it anyway.

396
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,280
Ah, sweet damn, that's a hot plate.

397
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,935
Hey, is this milk any good?

398
00:21:10,832 --> 00:21:14,217
Even really really dumb mistakes.