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General InformationEdit

Title "Return of the Shirt"
Format SubRip
Extension .srt
Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Return_of_the_Shirt

SubtitlesEdit

1
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,942
Kids, when you're single all you're looking for is happily ever after.

2
00:00:17,942 --> 00:00:20,531
but only one of your stories can end that way.

3
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,865
The rest end with someone getting hurt.

4
00:00:23,316 --> 00:00:27,556
This is one of those stories, and it starts with a shirt.

5
00:00:27,556 --> 00:00:28,542
A shirt?

6
00:00:28,542 --> 00:00:33,476
Just listen, because none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for that shirt.

7
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:38,553
Nice shirt.

8
00:00:38,553 --> 00:00:41,549
- Right? Right?
- Look at those colors.

9
00:00:41,549 --> 00:00:43,391
Green and brown, together at last.

10
00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:45,469
Hot top, bro!
Is it new?

11
00:00:45,469 --> 00:00:48,412
That's the crazy part.
I've had this shirt for like six years.

12
00:00:48,412 --> 00:00:50,119
Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all,

13
00:00:50,119 --> 00:00:52,457
but now, it's like my tastes have changed.

14
00:00:52,457 --> 00:00:54,823
- Booger.
- Yes, hello, Barney.

15
00:00:54,823 --> 00:00:59,056
Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

16
00:00:59,056 --> 00:01:01,632
Not some stupid word-- "booger."

17
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,409
But I'm not doing it.
I am a journalist.

18
00:01:04,409 --> 00:01:05,917
What?! Journalist?!

19
00:01:05,917 --> 00:01:08,588
You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news.

20
00:01:08,588 --> 00:01:12,579
Old people. Babies. Monkeys.
That's not journalism.

21
00:01:12,579 --> 00:01:14,651
That's just... things in a diaper.

22
00:01:15,250 --> 00:01:18,770
For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to...

23
00:01:18,770 --> 00:01:20,733
the city hall beat.

24
00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:23,071
City hall? Miss Thing.

25
00:01:23,071 --> 00:01:26,883
So I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

26
00:01:26,883 --> 00:01:28,139
Of course not.

27
00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:32,516
'cause now you're saying "nipple," and it's a hundred.

28
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:36,051
Step into my web.

29
00:01:37,853 --> 00:01:39,091
Whose bourbon is this?

30
00:01:39,091 --> 00:01:41,665
Ooh, I don't know.
It was here when we sat down.

31
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,189
The point is...
I seem to like bourbon now.

32
00:01:45,189 --> 00:01:46,920
I could've sworn I hated bourbon.

33
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,987
First the shirt, now bourbon.

34
00:01:48,987 --> 00:01:51,916
I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right?

35
00:01:51,916 --> 00:01:53,695
The movie I saw once and hated;

36
00:01:53,695 --> 00:01:56,590
the city I'll never go back to 'cause it was raining the day I visited.

37
00:01:56,590 --> 00:01:59,507
Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions.

38
00:01:59,507 --> 00:02:02,281
You're finally gonna watch Goonies again?

39
00:02:02,281 --> 00:02:04,576
"Sloth love Chunk."

40
00:02:05,295 --> 00:02:07,412
Not Goonies-- girls.

41
00:02:07,412 --> 00:02:08,924
What if there's someone from my past

42
00:02:08,924 --> 00:02:11,358
who I thought was wrong for me at the time,

43
00:02:11,358 --> 00:02:15,479
when in fact she, like this shirt,
is actually a perfect fit?

44
00:02:15,479 --> 00:02:16,244
Hold up.

45
00:02:16,244 --> 00:02:19,253
There are only two reasons to ever date a girl you've already dated:

46
00:02:19,253 --> 00:02:21,483
Breast... implants.

47
00:02:21,483 --> 00:02:23,490
You know, this isn't a bad idea.

48
00:02:23,895 --> 00:02:26,470
Let's think...
Ted's greatest hits.

49
00:02:26,987 --> 00:02:29,221
What about that girl Steph?

50
00:02:29,221 --> 00:02:30,804
Steph...

51
00:02:30,804 --> 00:02:32,830
Okay, this is difficult to say:

52
00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:40,196
Back when I lived in L.A., I was pretty broke so I spent a month making adult films.

53
00:02:40,516 --> 00:02:44,477
Wow. Okay...
H-How many did you make?

54
00:02:44,477 --> 00:02:46,083
A hundred and seventy-five.

55
00:02:48,397 --> 00:02:52,103
Say what you will about the porn industry, they're hard workers.

56
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,259
What about that chick, um... Jackie?

57
00:02:55,644 --> 00:02:58,884
...and my bathing suit had fallen completely off.

58
00:02:59,425 --> 00:03:01,491
I know the feeling.
Once...

59
00:03:01,491 --> 00:03:05,809
when I was 16, I was driving, and I hit this hitchhiker.

60
00:03:05,809 --> 00:03:08,819
Don't know what happened to him--
just kept driving.

61
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,809
Uh... no.

62
00:03:12,809 --> 00:03:15,638
What about Natalie?

63
00:03:15,638 --> 00:03:18,238
Natalie...

64
00:03:18,238 --> 00:03:21,063
- Who's Natalie?
- Natalie.

65
00:03:21,063 --> 00:03:23,553
I had so many fond memories of her:

66
00:03:23,907 --> 00:03:28,610
The tea candles on her dresser, the sock monkey collection on her bed,

67
00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:33,970
that one Belle & Sebastian song she always listened to, her smile...

68
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,659
Man, I haven't seen her in, like, three years.

69
00:03:37,659 --> 00:03:38,981
Well, why'd you guys break up?

70
00:03:38,981 --> 00:03:40,718
I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time.

71
00:03:40,718 --> 00:03:42,815
Of course, now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad.

72
00:03:42,815 --> 00:03:45,198
Maybe I should call her.
What do you guys think?

73
00:03:45,198 --> 00:03:48,784
You dumped a porn star?

74
00:03:48,784 --> 00:03:53,249
Friendship over.
Friendship over!

75
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,188
Come in!

76
00:03:57,188 --> 00:03:58,708
All right, get back to me, then.

77
00:03:58,708 --> 00:04:01,434
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams.
- Yes, I did.

78
00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:03,655
I need you to cover a story.

79
00:04:04,181 --> 00:04:05,766
It's down at city hall.

80
00:04:05,766 --> 00:04:09,221
City hall?
Oh, my God.

81
00:04:10,396 --> 00:04:13,011
So, next time you're passing city hall,

82
00:04:13,011 --> 00:04:16,230
make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart.

83
00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:19,310
Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50,

84
00:04:19,310 --> 00:04:22,765
but back when the stand first opened, in 1955,

85
00:04:22,765 --> 00:04:25,224
you could get one for only a nipple.

86
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:29,360
Reporting live, Robin Trubotsky, Metro News One.

87
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,152
I said "nipple" on the news.

88
00:04:31,152 --> 00:04:34,727
That was so unprofessional!
I said "nipple" on the news!

89
00:04:34,727 --> 00:04:37,050
At least it's better than "booger."

90
00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:39,153
Booger.

91
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:42,527
There she is.

92
00:04:42,852 --> 00:04:44,186
Hey, is it cold in here?

93
00:04:44,186 --> 00:04:46,739
'Cause I can kinda see Robin's nickels.

94
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:50,738
Now, for your next challenge...

95
00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:53,893
There is not going to be another challenge.
I don't care how much you offer me.

96
00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:56,678
Oh, search your soul, Robin.

97
00:04:56,678 --> 00:04:58,485
You and I both know this wasn't about the money.

98
00:04:58,485 --> 00:05:01,138
Sure, Metro News One pays you jack,

99
00:05:01,138 --> 00:05:06,177
and, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me, and Mr. McGee.

100
00:05:06,177 --> 00:05:08,500
Seriously, who talks like that?

101
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:11,872
What baby really likes is the thrill of pulling one over

102
00:05:11,872 --> 00:05:14,605
on those bean-counters who underappreciate you,

103
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,618
and still haven't promoted you,

104
00:05:16,618 --> 00:05:19,447
and so for two more hundie sticks,

105
00:05:19,447 --> 00:05:23,244
baby's going to look in the camera and say this.

106
00:05:26,027 --> 00:05:27,755
I'm just assuming.

107
00:05:28,256 --> 00:05:30,049
I gotta get back twork.

108
00:05:30,929 --> 00:05:32,572
- See ya.
- Bye.

109
00:05:32,572 --> 00:05:34,609
Baby's gonna think about it.

110
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,028
Found it!
I found Natalie's number.

111
00:05:40,028 --> 00:05:43,988
Hey, Ted! Nice shirt!
Is it yesterday already?

112
00:05:44,788 --> 00:05:46,964
I am calling her.

113
00:05:46,964 --> 00:05:49,938
This is crazy.
I haven't talked to her in, like, three years.

114
00:05:49,938 --> 00:05:52,342
Wonder if she even remembers me.

115
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,738
- Hello?
- Natalie.

116
00:05:56,738 --> 00:06:00,033
- It's Ted Mosby.
- Go to hell.

117
00:06:03,317 --> 00:06:05,776
She remembers me.

118
00:06:08,247 --> 00:06:10,605
Why would Natalie hang up on you?

119
00:06:10,605 --> 00:06:13,029
- I don't know.
- Did you sleep with her sister?

120
00:06:13,029 --> 00:06:13,934
No.

121
00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:16,038
- Did you sleep with her mom?
- No.

122
00:06:16,038 --> 00:06:18,173
I'm losing interest in your story.

123
00:06:19,208 --> 00:06:22,949
Well, you must have done something.
Why did you guys break up?

124
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:25,310
He wasn't ready for a commitment.

125
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,772
And her birthday might've been coming up.

126
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:34,849
Okay, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend-level gift for a girl I was just about to break up with.

127
00:06:34,849 --> 00:06:37,259
So you dumped her right before her birthday?

128
00:06:37,259 --> 00:06:41,348
No, I didn't dump her right before her birthday.

129
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:47,046
Natalie! Hey.
Happy birthday.

130
00:06:48,110 --> 00:06:49,317
Listen... :

131
00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:53,930
- Never break up with a girl on her birthday!
- Lily, please! The shirt!

132
00:06:53,930 --> 00:06:56,126
I know!
It was a mistake!

133
00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:59,654
- Well, did she cry her eyes out?
- I don't know.

134
00:06:59,654 --> 00:07:01,593
How do you not...?!

135
00:07:02,443 --> 00:07:07,181
- You didn't.
- Natalie! Hey, happy birthday.

136
00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:10,192
Listen...

137
00:07:11,793 --> 00:07:15,557
You're awesome.
You really are.

138
00:07:15,557 --> 00:07:16,878
Awesome.

139
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,702
I'm just like super-busy right now, so...

140
00:07:19,702 --> 00:07:23,295
maybe we should just... call it a day.

141
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,387
But you're awesome.

142
00:07:26,387 --> 00:07:28,826
On her answering machine!?

143
00:07:28,826 --> 00:07:31,089
- And on her birthday?!
- Lily, come on.

144
00:07:31,089 --> 00:07:35,873
Oh, who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on her birthday?!

145
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,756
Yeah, dude. E-mail.

146
00:07:38,112 --> 00:07:41,338
Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall.

147
00:07:41,338 --> 00:07:44,258
That is a terrible way to break up with someone.

148
00:07:44,258 --> 00:07:45,770
Okay, in my client's defense,

149
00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:48,725
is there an unterrible way to break up with somebody? No.

150
00:07:48,725 --> 00:07:53,248
Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person.

151
00:07:53,248 --> 00:07:55,248
It's the least painful way you can do it.

152
00:07:55,248 --> 00:07:57,486
- Who are you calling?
- Hi, Marshall, it Lily.

153
00:07:57,486 --> 00:08:01,086
We're not gonna have sex for at least a month, but you're awesome.

154
00:08:01,086 --> 00:08:02,419
Okay, bye-bye.

155
00:08:03,039 --> 00:08:06,191
No, that was a big mistake, Ted.
You should've done it in person.

156
00:08:06,191 --> 00:08:07,287
Thank you.

157
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,954
Desperate, please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing.

158
00:08:11,535 --> 00:08:14,155
Okay, it was childish and stupid.
I just...

159
00:08:14,155 --> 00:08:15,472
I didn't want to see her cry.

160
00:08:15,472 --> 00:08:18,187
Well, guess what?
She cried.

161
00:08:18,187 --> 00:08:20,915
You just didn't have the sack to face those tears.

162
00:08:20,915 --> 00:08:22,432
That was me then, okay?

163
00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:25,803
This is the new, old-shirt- wearing, sack-having Ted.

164
00:08:25,803 --> 00:08:27,155
I'm gonna make this right.

165
00:08:27,155 --> 00:08:27,850
You know what else?

166
00:08:27,850 --> 00:08:30,800
"My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn 30" sex.

167
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,843
Fantastic.

168
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,605
An occasion that was supposed to be joyous,

169
00:08:36,605 --> 00:08:39,770
suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Margolis,

170
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:43,608
New York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this,

171
00:08:43,608 --> 00:08:46,482
the eve of their 100th birthday.

172
00:08:46,482 --> 00:08:49,262
I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

173
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:55,131
Reporting live, Robin Trubotsky, Metro News One.

174
00:08:55,131 --> 00:08:56,402
Clear.

175
00:08:57,550 --> 00:09:01,353
Joel Adams wants to see you in his office.

176
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,683
Before you say anything,

177
00:09:03,683 --> 00:09:07,235
I just want to say I really like working here at Metro News One.

178
00:09:07,235 --> 00:09:13,033
- That's great.
- So, my dog keeps going...

179
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,557
- What's...?
- What? You have dogs, right?

180
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,144
What do you think that means?

181
00:09:18,144 --> 00:09:20,398
Take him to the vet?

182
00:09:20,989 --> 00:09:22,376
Genius.

183
00:09:22,376 --> 00:09:24,249
That's one I owe you.

184
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,139
- Was that all?
- Yeah.

185
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,904
And nothing about the twins story?

186
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,499
Oh, yeah, great job on that one.

187
00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:35,545
New York loves you. You're a superstar. Bye-bye.

188
00:09:36,937 --> 00:09:42,308
That's when Robin realized that no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News One.

189
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,540
Natalie! Come on!
I just want to say I'm sorry.

190
00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:01,858
I only came down here 'cause you wouldn't take my call.

191
00:10:01,858 --> 00:10:03,406
Hey, here's an idea--

192
00:10:03,406 --> 00:10:05,761
Why don't you leave a message?

193
00:10:07,446 --> 00:10:08,658
Good one.

194
00:10:08,658 --> 00:10:12,284
Okay, fine, I'm just going to leave this sock monkey here.

195
00:10:12,284 --> 00:10:14,338
Good-bye.

196
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,116
Look, look, look.

197
00:10:21,116 --> 00:10:24,316
I know you're mad, but... happy birthday.

198
00:10:24,316 --> 00:10:26,449
- Three years ago.
- Oh, yeah?

199
00:10:26,449 --> 00:10:28,415
Up yours three years ago.

200
00:10:28,415 --> 00:10:31,429
Look, look, I was an idiot leaving that message.

201
00:10:31,429 --> 00:10:33,432
I realize how much that sucked.

202
00:10:33,731 --> 00:10:35,529
No, you don't.

203
00:10:35,529 --> 00:10:38,663
Maybe we should just call it a day.

204
00:10:39,144 --> 00:10:42,068
But you're awesome.

205
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,923
Okay, bye.

206
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,067
Surprise.

207
00:10:50,387 --> 00:10:52,696
There was a surprise party that night?

208
00:10:52,696 --> 00:10:54,233
How come nobody told me?

209
00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:57,467
People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can.

210
00:10:58,018 --> 00:10:59,700
Sorry, not the issue.

211
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:03,852
Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment.

212
00:11:03,852 --> 00:11:07,202
And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down.

213
00:11:07,532 --> 00:11:09,425
Well, yeah, actually.

214
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,522
I'm a different guy now.

215
00:11:12,427 --> 00:11:14,164
Give me another chance, huh?

216
00:11:14,164 --> 00:11:17,263
You must think I have absolutely no self-respect.

217
00:11:17,263 --> 00:11:19,937
Come on, just a cup of coffee.

218
00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:25,239
Please, Natalie.
Give the guy a chance.

219
00:11:25,613 --> 00:11:28,388
Self-respect is overrated.

220
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,351
Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level.

221
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:41,482
Thanks.

222
00:11:41,482 --> 00:11:43,836
I did just start subscribing to Esquire.

223
00:11:43,836 --> 00:11:45,593
They have some helpful columns.

224
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:49,924
The following is from the October issue.

225
00:11:51,113 --> 00:11:53,340
So Natalie and I started dating again.

226
00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,750
And just like that, it all came back.

227
00:11:55,750 --> 00:11:58,914
The tea candles... the sock monkeys...

228
00:11:58,914 --> 00:12:01,497
Belle and Sebastian, all of it.

229
00:12:01,497 --> 00:12:04,778
It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off.

230
00:12:05,148 --> 00:12:08,061
Well, I better run.
I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.

231
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:11,404
Krav Maga. How cool is it that she does Krav Maga?

232
00:12:11,404 --> 00:12:13,036
Thanks, honey.

233
00:12:14,112 --> 00:12:16,741
- Bye, guys.
- Bye!
- Take it easy.

234
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,257
Dude, what's Krav Maga?

235
00:12:19,257 --> 00:12:21,703
I have no idea.
Some kind of yoga?

236
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,531
You know, that Natalie, she's good times.

237
00:12:24,531 --> 00:12:26,458
Yeah, she's, like, the best girl you've dated in years.

238
00:12:26,458 --> 00:12:28,952
- Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one.
- Yeah.

239
00:12:28,952 --> 00:12:31,279
I have to break up with her.

240
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:38,494
I don't get it, man.
Natalie's awesome.

241
00:12:38,494 --> 00:12:41,800
I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her.

242
00:12:42,987 --> 00:12:46,427
Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone?

243
00:12:46,427 --> 00:12:47,958
I know. I hate this.

244
00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,588
These past three weeks have been great.

245
00:12:49,588 --> 00:12:53,093
I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that thing.

246
00:12:53,093 --> 00:12:56,439
- It's ineffable.
- Ineffable.

247
00:12:56,439 --> 00:12:57,701
Good word.

248
00:12:58,004 --> 00:12:59,476
So when are you going to do it?

249
00:12:59,476 --> 00:13:00,962
She's probably on the subway by now.

250
00:13:00,962 --> 00:13:02,346
You could call her voice mail:

251
00:13:02,346 --> 00:13:04,992
Beep! "Dumped."
Click. Done.

252
00:13:05,937 --> 00:13:07,712
No, I have to do this face-to-face.

253
00:13:07,712 --> 00:13:09,223
I just, I don't know what I'm going to say.

254
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,246
"I'm not ready for a commitment."

255
00:13:11,246 --> 00:13:14,853
- Oh, that's such a cliché.
- It's not a cliché, it's a classic.

256
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,472
It's the "Stairway to Heaven" of breakup lines.

257
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,306
Well, I think Natalie deserves better.

258
00:13:20,306 --> 00:13:23,055
Better. There's no "better" in breaking up.

259
00:13:23,055 --> 00:13:26,817
There's only "less awful."
A cliché is a cliché for a reason.

260
00:13:27,227 --> 00:13:28,765
- It's comforting.
- It doesn't matter.

261
00:13:28,765 --> 00:13:31,500
I already told her I am ready for a commitment, so...

262
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:34,441
Oh, my God. There's no way out.
I'm gonna have to marry her.

263
00:13:34,441 --> 00:13:36,755
No, no, we're gonna get you out of this.

264
00:13:36,755 --> 00:13:40,552
Okay, how about... "It's not you, it's me"?

265
00:13:40,552 --> 00:13:42,696
Mm, mm, six words--

266
00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:45,721
"You look fat in those jeans."
You're free to go.

267
00:13:46,773 --> 00:13:49,958
Ted, have you considered telling her the truth?

268
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,484
Seriously, honey, men are working here.

269
00:13:54,965 --> 00:13:58,301
Ted, what is the truth?
Why do you want to break up with her?

270
00:13:58,301 --> 00:14:00,726
The truth?
She's not the one.

271
00:14:00,726 --> 00:14:03,477
- So tell her that.
- Oh, you can't tell her that.

272
00:14:03,477 --> 00:14:04,608
That's horrible.

273
00:14:04,608 --> 00:14:07,182
Why? What is so horrible about that?

274
00:14:07,182 --> 00:14:10,980
Yeah, what is so horrible about that?
She's not the one.

275
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,113
Why is that such a heartbreaking thing to hear?

276
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:17,483
The chances of one person being another person's "the one" are, like, six billion-to-one.

277
00:14:17,483 --> 00:14:20,149
Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery.

278
00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:21,360
Exactly!

279
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,324
You wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery.

280
00:14:23,324 --> 00:14:25,178
All right, man, tell her the truth.

281
00:14:25,178 --> 00:14:26,867
She's gonna cry.

282
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:30,082
Yeah, and he's gonna sit there and he's gonna take it like a man.

283
00:14:30,082 --> 00:14:31,856
I have to do the mature thing.

284
00:14:31,856 --> 00:14:33,182
Want to talk mature?

285
00:14:33,182 --> 00:14:37,718
I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs.

286
00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:40,954
And great TV was had by all.

287
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,013
All right, Trubotsky, new challenge, and this one's big.

288
00:14:45,013 --> 00:14:47,127
But so is the cash reward.

289
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:50,535
For $1,000-- you heard me--

290
00:14:50,535 --> 00:14:54,168
all you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these.

291
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,231
- What the hell is that?
- The Ickey Shuffle.

292
00:15:04,231 --> 00:15:06,596
And as you do it, you say this:

293
00:15:06,596 --> 00:15:11,176
Elbert "Icky" Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91.

294
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:15,776
Your 1,525 rushing yards and your 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten.

295
00:15:15,776 --> 00:15:20,722
So Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse.

296
00:15:21,913 --> 00:15:24,097
Just write it down for me.

297
00:15:24,447 --> 00:15:25,078
What do I care?

298
00:15:25,078 --> 00:15:26,962
It's not like anyone's watching, anyway, right?

299
00:15:29,674 --> 00:15:32,021
Man, she's gonna cry.

300
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,327
It's the law of love, chunk.

301
00:15:36,858 --> 00:15:38,586
Thanks, Lil.

302
00:15:39,253 --> 00:15:43,653
So, the next night, I took Natalie out to dinner... to do the mature thing.

303
00:15:44,173 --> 00:15:46,893
Look, uh, Natalie, there's something I have to say.

304
00:15:46,893 --> 00:15:48,676
Oh, wait, wait.
There's something I have to say first.

305
00:15:48,676 --> 00:15:53,883
Today, at work, I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes.

306
00:15:53,883 --> 00:15:56,406
So tonight, can we just skip the cake?

307
00:15:56,977 --> 00:15:58,299
Today's your birthday?

308
00:15:58,299 --> 00:16:01,006
Yeah. No, it's okay, I wasn't telling anyone about it.

309
00:16:01,006 --> 00:16:02,979
Today's your birthday!

310
00:16:02,979 --> 00:16:04,321
I...

311
00:16:06,324 --> 00:16:07,978
I didn't get you anything.

312
00:16:07,978 --> 00:16:09,590
Oh, it's okay.

313
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,886
You know, you've already given me the bt present of all.

314
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,844
I can trust again.

315
00:16:19,296 --> 00:16:20,549
You're welcome.

316
00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:27,863
Oh, sir, much more wine.

317
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:39,147
Henry, as New York's oldest hansom cab driver, you've seen quite a lot.

318
00:16:39,147 --> 00:16:43,518
In your past 60 years on the job, what is your most exciting memory?

319
00:16:44,258 --> 00:16:47,043
- Well...
- Ah, this is it.

320
00:16:47,043 --> 00:16:48,700
Oh, boy, here we go.

321
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,261
Everyone, everyone, if I may direct your attention to the television.

322
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,526
You are about to see something amazing.

323
00:16:53,526 --> 00:17:01,756
And then, in '72, Mickey Mantle rode my cab for the fourth time.

324
00:17:01,756 --> 00:17:04,256
Come on, baby.
Bring it home.

325
00:17:04,256 --> 00:17:07,394
But the most exciting moment--

326
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:11,192
that would have to be this one, right now.

327
00:17:11,192 --> 00:17:12,559
What?

328
00:17:12,559 --> 00:17:15,736
Look at me.
I'm on TV.

329
00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:19,224
I never thought I'd have my story told.

330
00:17:19,984 --> 00:17:23,221
Thank you, Miss Robin Trubotsky.

331
00:17:23,221 --> 00:17:24,737
Thank you.

332
00:17:24,737 --> 00:17:28,787
And right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was.

333
00:17:28,787 --> 00:17:31,504
It's an honor to tell your story, Henry.

334
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:36,464
You know, Metro News One may not be number one in viewership,

335
00:17:36,464 --> 00:17:40,432
but this reporter takes pride in...
Whoa! Oh...!

336
00:17:40,432 --> 00:17:43,795
Oh, my God, I'm covered in horse crap!

337
00:17:44,707 --> 00:17:46,861
Oh, my God, it's in my hair.

338
00:17:46,861 --> 00:17:50,087
- You planned that?
- No, Marshall.

339
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,800
That was beyond my wildest dreams.

340
00:17:54,422 --> 00:17:56,566
So, if you ever come to Alabama,

341
00:17:56,566 --> 00:17:59,432
my mom throws the huge crawfish boils,

342
00:17:59,432 --> 00:18:01,998
and she's just dying to meet you, by the way.

343
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,465
Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say, and, uh, there's no good way to say it.

344
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:08,036
I want to break up.

345
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,910
I don't think you're the one for me.

346
00:18:11,531 --> 00:18:15,038
I don't want to waste your time, because I really like you.

347
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,645
I want to do right by you, and I think the best way for me to do that is just to be honest.

348
00:18:20,645 --> 00:18:22,478
I'm sorry.

349
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:26,961
Oh, God, just let it out.

350
00:18:27,571 --> 00:18:30,131
They're only tears.

351
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,308
I'm not the one for you?!

352
00:18:37,308 --> 00:18:39,704
I'm sorry, I just... I-I-I thought the mature thing to do...

353
00:18:39,704 --> 00:18:41,166
- It's my birthday!
- Yes, I know.

354
00:18:41,166 --> 00:18:41,927
I didn't realize...

355
00:18:41,927 --> 00:18:45,985
It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?!

356
00:18:45,985 --> 00:18:48,881
It's really not such a big deal.
I mean, the odds--

357
00:18:48,881 --> 00:18:50,826
It's like you lost the lottery.

358
00:18:50,826 --> 00:18:53,111
Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?!

359
00:18:53,111 --> 00:18:54,479
No, no, no, no, I didn't mean that.

360
00:18:54,479 --> 00:18:58,633
- Okay, so what's the problem?!
- I... I... I can't explain it.

361
00:18:58,633 --> 00:19:01,469
- Try!
- It's... ineffable.

362
00:19:01,469 --> 00:19:04,359
I'm not effable?

363
00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:08,077
No, no, no, no. "Ineffable."
Ineffable means it can't be explained.

364
00:19:08,077 --> 00:19:10,598
- Oh, so I'm stupid?
- Oh, God, what's going on?

365
00:19:10,598 --> 00:19:17,020
Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday,

366
00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:19,936
waited three years for me to get over you,

367
00:19:19,936 --> 00:19:22,382
tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again,

368
00:19:22,382 --> 00:19:27,292
only so you could dump me three weeks later, again, on my birthday!

369
00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:29,767
No, it's-it's-it's not like that.

370
00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:32,277
- I'm just... it's-it's-it's...
- What?!

371
00:19:32,277 --> 00:19:35,676
I'm just, like, so busy right now.

372
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,157
Remember when Natalie said...

373
00:19:38,157 --> 00:19:41,037
I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.

374
00:19:41,037 --> 00:19:43,854
Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga.

375
00:19:43,854 --> 00:19:47,478
It's a form of guerilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army.

376
00:19:51,948 --> 00:19:55,365
This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar.

377
00:19:56,005 --> 00:19:57,669
My knee!

378
00:19:57,669 --> 00:20:00,114
It's in my hair!

379
00:20:02,207 --> 00:20:04,732
But isn't nice to know people are watching?

380
00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:10,838
Oh, my God.
Are you all right?

381
00:20:10,838 --> 00:20:12,570
What happened to you?

382
00:20:13,141 --> 00:20:14,743
I told the truth.

383
00:20:14,743 --> 00:20:18,011
Turns out the truth has a mean roundhouse kick.

384
00:20:18,011 --> 00:20:19,374
Oh, man.

385
00:20:19,374 --> 00:20:21,157
Oh, well, you did the right thing.

386
00:20:21,157 --> 00:20:23,622
- I'm proud of you.
- I'm bleeding internally.

387
00:20:24,184 --> 00:20:26,072
Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down?

388
00:20:26,072 --> 00:20:28,888
Other people's misfortune.
You missed something so amazing.

389
00:20:28,888 --> 00:20:32,093
Please, can we just have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it?

390
00:20:32,093 --> 00:20:33,144
Fine.

391
00:20:33,927 --> 00:20:35,122
Are you okay?

392
00:20:35,745 --> 00:20:38,191
I really thought I was doing it the good way this time.

393
00:20:38,191 --> 00:20:40,054
I guess there is no good way.

394
00:20:40,503 --> 00:20:43,189
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing,

395
00:20:43,189 --> 00:20:45,092
you just end up flat on your back,

396
00:20:45,092 --> 00:20:47,831
flailing around in a big pile of horse crap.

397
00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:50,988
- You saw it?
- My phone gets the Internet now.

398
00:20:55,593 --> 00:20:57,617
And that's how it ended with Natalie.

399
00:20:57,617 --> 00:21:00,389
No happily ever after, just a whole lot of hurt.

400
00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:05,702
And just like that, all those wonderful memories were replaced... by this one.

401
00:21:05,702 --> 00:21:09,741
But, you know, bad as that night was,  within a year, Natalie was married.

402
00:21:09,741 --> 00:21:12,227
And now she has three beautiful children.

403
00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:14,020
So that's the upside of hurt.

404
00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:16,616
Sometimes it happens for a reason.

405
00:21:19,764 --> 00:21:21,689
So you got beat up by a girl?

406
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:24,317
Is that all you're taking away from this story?

407
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:27,044
You got beat up by a girl.

408
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:30,409
Hey, she knew Krav Maga.