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General InformationEdit

Title "Matchmaker"
Format SubRip
Extension .srt
Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matchmaker_(How_I_Met_Your_Mother)

SubtitlesEdit

1
00:00:13,593 --> 00:00:16,910
Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching,

2
00:00:17,004 --> 00:00:18,605
I learned something valuable.

3
00:00:18,712 --> 00:00:20,544
That love is not a science.

4
00:00:20,633 --> 00:00:22,092
Wow, that was a great story, Dad.

5
00:00:22,184 --> 00:00:23,152
We're going to go watch TV.

6
00:00:23,246 --> 00:00:28,736
You see, sometimes in life you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained.

7
00:00:28,826 --> 00:00:30,437
And that's kind of scary.

8
00:00:32,024 --> 00:00:33,169
Oh, my God.

9
00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:34,481
I know, I'm still shaking.

10
00:00:34,565 --> 00:00:35,105
What the...?

11
00:00:35,183 --> 00:00:37,078
Joke's on you, I have a cold.

12
00:00:37,379 --> 00:00:38,491
Are you guys okay?

13
00:00:38,588 --> 00:00:40,621
Another round, and back it up for me and Lily!

14
00:00:40,702 --> 00:00:41,746
What happened?

15
00:00:41,868 --> 00:00:44,983
We saw something up in the apartment.

16
00:00:45,089 --> 00:00:46,694
Something bad.

17
00:00:51,609 --> 00:00:54,004
I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy.

18
00:00:54,078 --> 00:00:55,841
Oh, muchos sexy.

19
00:00:55,966 --> 00:00:57,788
Yo quiero, Marshall.

20
00:01:01,423 --> 00:01:03,105
Oh, my God.

21
00:01:07,487 --> 00:01:08,351
What was it?

22
00:01:08,427 --> 00:01:11,883
Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen.

23
00:01:11,974 --> 00:01:12,905
Mouse?

24
00:01:13,005 --> 00:01:14,460
Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.

25
00:01:14,546 --> 00:01:16,530
That was a huge cockroach.

26
00:01:16,611 --> 00:01:18,002
Baby, it was a mouse.

27
00:01:18,085 --> 00:01:19,115
It had whiskers.

28
00:01:19,198 --> 00:01:22,326
But those things coming out of its head, those were antennae.

29
00:01:22,402 --> 00:01:24,350
Marshall ran away from a cockroach.

30
00:01:24,694 --> 00:01:26,116
It was a mouse.

31
00:01:26,194 --> 00:01:28,178
Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.

32
00:01:29,042 --> 00:01:31,183
Oh, my story is on. Ted, pay attention.

33
00:01:31,272 --> 00:01:32,653
Carl, turn it up.

34
00:01:32,753 --> 00:01:36,208
I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker.

35
00:01:36,316 --> 00:01:40,830
Ellen, your company, Love Solutions, boasts 100% success rate.

36
00:01:40,911 --> 00:01:42,102
What's your secret?

37
00:01:42,187 --> 00:01:43,407
Science.

38
00:01:43,527 --> 00:01:47,622
Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love.

39
00:01:47,712 --> 00:01:51,012
All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm,

40
00:01:51,084 --> 00:01:55,156
and presto manifesto, you have a soul mate, and it works!

41
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:58,918
Just ask all of my happy couples.

42
00:01:59,009 --> 00:02:01,129
And these are just the attractive ones.

43
00:02:01,203 --> 00:02:02,842
I have more photos in the bathroom.

44
00:02:03,785 --> 00:02:05,980
Love Solutions, Ellen Pierce.

45
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:08,867
A beacon of hope for New York City's lovelorn.

46
00:02:08,959 --> 00:02:09,913
Robin Scherbotsky...

47
00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:11,491
Was that chick at the end really a client?

48
00:02:11,579 --> 00:02:12,105
Yes.

49
00:02:12,209 --> 00:02:13,095
We're signing up.

50
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:13,753
What?

51
00:02:13,844 --> 00:02:15,977
Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.

52
00:02:16,061 --> 00:02:17,641
That's a perfect cocktail.

53
00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,965
Shake well, then sleep with.

54
00:02:20,544 --> 00:02:23,581
I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up.

55
00:02:23,669 --> 00:02:25,760
It's the man version of getting a cat.

56
00:02:26,171 --> 00:02:29,839
No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur, and only mammals have fur.

57
00:02:29,927 --> 00:02:31,282
It was a cockroach.

58
00:02:31,358 --> 00:02:33,330
Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach

59
00:02:33,405 --> 00:02:36,204
is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.

60
00:02:37,863 --> 00:02:39,841
Oh, my God.

61
00:02:40,645 --> 00:02:41,841
Come on.

62
00:02:53,136 --> 00:02:55,089
Ted! Hurry! You've got to help me.

63
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,159
- My boat is sinking!
- What?

64
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,844
- My boat is sinking!
- You have a boat?

65
00:02:57,924 --> 00:02:59,228
Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction.

66
00:02:59,330 --> 00:03:02,308
I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning starboard at a 45 degree angle.

67
00:03:02,381 --> 00:03:04,851
If I don't get down there right now, it's going to capsize. Now come on!

68
00:03:08,435 --> 00:03:10,411
Your boat is sinking. That was good.

69
00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:14,345
Come on, Ted. This is an incredible opportunity.

70
00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:18,576
We'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again.

71
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,396
All finished, gentlemen?

72
00:03:21,774 --> 00:03:22,998
Congratulations.

73
00:03:23,085 --> 00:03:24,988
You have just taken your very first step.

74
00:03:25,077 --> 00:03:26,431
Gosh, thanks, Ellen.

75
00:03:26,555 --> 00:03:28,167
I sure hope this works.

76
00:03:28,321 --> 00:03:33,181
I'm so done with the single life-- all the games, the meaningless sex.

77
00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,488
You deserve more.

78
00:03:35,592 --> 00:03:37,944
That is so true, Ellen.

79
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:43,485
I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we.

80
00:03:43,626 --> 00:03:46,492
Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling?

81
00:03:46,598 --> 00:03:51,125
Ah, of course you can. That is so... Oh.

82
00:03:53,117 --> 00:03:55,736
Kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but

83
00:03:55,817 --> 00:04:00,547
I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night...

84
00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:02,588
when the tears come.

85
00:04:04,063 --> 00:04:06,316
Ellen, can you help me find her?

86
00:04:06,429 --> 00:04:07,617
Get out.

87
00:04:07,772 --> 00:04:08,871
What?

88
00:04:09,544 --> 00:04:12,019
I get 15 guys like you every week.

89
00:04:12,101 --> 00:04:16,282
Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call 'em again.

90
00:04:16,366 --> 00:04:18,608
Oh, my God, people do that?

91
00:04:18,694 --> 00:04:20,764
Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?

92
00:04:20,848 --> 00:04:24,463
What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?

93
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:28,555
No, that's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.

94
00:04:29,265 --> 00:04:30,492
Okay, Ted, let's go.

95
00:04:30,589 --> 00:04:32,240
Not you. You stay.

96
00:04:34,073 --> 00:04:35,187
You're cute.

97
00:04:35,539 --> 00:04:36,872
You're an architect.

98
00:04:36,958 --> 00:04:41,211
Good career, and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application,

99
00:04:41,288 --> 00:04:43,953
like your friend Jack Package.

100
00:04:44,465 --> 00:04:46,678
- It's pronounced pa-codge.
- Get out of here!

101
00:04:48,799 --> 00:04:52,170
You, I can work with. You give me three days,

102
00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:55,566
and I will find the woman you will marry.

103
00:04:56,319 --> 00:04:57,655
Uh, no thanks.

104
00:04:57,744 --> 00:04:59,588
I don't need an algorithm to meet women.

105
00:04:59,670 --> 00:05:03,022
It's New York City, you know-- plenty of fish in the sea.

106
00:05:03,131 --> 00:05:05,624
Plenty of fish in the sea.

107
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,969
Yes, there's nine million people in New York, 4.5 million women.

108
00:05:10,064 --> 00:05:12,858
Of course, you want to meet somebody roughly your own age.

109
00:05:12,933 --> 00:05:14,733
Let's say, plus, minus, five years.

110
00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:20,340
So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000.

111
00:05:20,414 --> 00:05:24,343
But, uh, wait... 48% of those are already in relationships,

112
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:28,174
and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility,

113
00:05:28,252 --> 00:05:31,043
and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives,

114
00:05:31,118 --> 00:05:33,602
and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.

115
00:05:33,698 --> 00:05:38,814
And then that leaves us with eight women.

116
00:05:39,851 --> 00:05:42,038
That can't be right. Eight?

117
00:05:42,172 --> 00:05:43,548
Really? Eight?

118
00:05:44,321 --> 00:05:47,854
There are eight fish in that big blue ocean, Ted.

119
00:05:47,941 --> 00:05:51,853
And if you feel confident that you could reel one in to your boat without me,

120
00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:53,418
there's the door.

121
00:05:54,095 --> 00:05:55,583
Do you take credit cards?

122
00:05:58,704 --> 00:06:01,849
Okay, it's back. And this time we got a good look.

123
00:06:01,914 --> 00:06:04,529
Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that.

124
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,273
It's bigger now.

125
00:06:06,487 --> 00:06:08,052
It's been feeding.

126
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:12,286
We were just upstairs watching TV.

127
00:06:12,381 --> 00:06:13,586
Oh, gosh.

128
00:06:20,972 --> 00:06:24,380
Okay, let's do this.

129
00:06:32,732 --> 00:06:34,492
Shh, shh, shh.

130
00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:35,697
It's okay.

131
00:06:35,833 --> 00:06:37,048
It's over.

132
00:06:37,886 --> 00:06:39,222
Oh, God!

133
00:06:48,043 --> 00:06:49,271
So did you get a good look at it?

134
00:06:49,352 --> 00:06:54,281
Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach.

135
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,833
But it had mouse-like characteristics.

136
00:06:56,912 --> 00:06:59,716
Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.

137
00:06:59,802 --> 00:07:02,316
So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?

138
00:07:04,430 --> 00:07:07,198
It's a cock-a-mouse.

139
00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:09,214
What?

140
00:07:09,312 --> 00:07:12,282
It's some sort of mutant combination of the two.

141
00:07:12,379 --> 00:07:16,564
It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...

142
00:07:16,661 --> 00:07:19,830
Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

143
00:07:20,409 --> 00:07:22,691
That's impossible. That simply can't happen.

144
00:07:22,784 --> 00:07:24,786
- Oh, but it can.
- And it has.

145
00:07:24,871 --> 00:07:26,136
And it's pissed.

146
00:07:28,637 --> 00:07:30,450
Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open.

147
00:07:30,479 --> 00:07:31,946
There was no time.

148
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:35,995
So, Love Solutions?

149
00:07:36,087 --> 00:07:37,508
Did you meet the love of your life?

150
00:07:37,645 --> 00:07:40,764
She said it'd take three days. It's been five days.

151
00:07:40,839 --> 00:07:41,664
Should I be worried?

152
00:07:41,751 --> 00:07:44,311
Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.

153
00:07:45,344 --> 00:07:47,598
Did you just use my name as a verb?

154
00:07:47,698 --> 00:07:50,632
Oh, yeah. We do that behind your back.

155
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:52,479
"Ted out," to overthink.

156
00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:54,265
Also see "Ted up."

157
00:07:54,437 --> 00:07:57,454
"Ted up"-- to overthink something with disastrous results.

158
00:07:57,550 --> 00:07:59,886
Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried...

159
00:07:59,924 --> 00:08:01,915
Okay, I get it.

160
00:08:02,262 --> 00:08:05,430
Don't worry. I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out.

161
00:08:05,843 --> 00:08:07,642
I should give it a few more days.

162
00:08:09,148 --> 00:08:11,701
Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.

163
00:08:11,799 --> 00:08:14,622
Ted, hi. I, uh, meant to call you.

164
00:08:14,715 --> 00:08:16,863
The computer is still crunching the numbers.

165
00:08:16,945 --> 00:08:18,978
Busy as a bee, that little computer.

166
00:08:19,096 --> 00:08:20,541
You said it was going to be three days.

167
00:08:20,619 --> 00:08:21,515
Did I?

168
00:08:21,594 --> 00:08:22,989
Three days? Really?

169
00:08:23,079 --> 00:08:26,711
Yeah, and when someone says you're going to meet the perfect woman in three days,

170
00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:29,232
you kind of put that in your date book, so...

171
00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:33,423
How do I say this? This is going to be really hard.

172
00:08:33,526 --> 00:08:38,077
Ted... there are absolutely no women out there for you.

173
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,146
Phew, actually, I got through that okay.

174
00:08:44,695 --> 00:08:46,611
There're no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight.

175
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:49,072
I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are.

176
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:51,678
But... I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute.

177
00:08:51,757 --> 00:08:53,085
I'm a cute architect.

178
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:56,726
How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate.

179
00:08:56,801 --> 00:08:58,232
That's my hook.

180
00:08:58,339 --> 00:09:00,440
I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.

181
00:09:00,531 --> 00:09:01,228
Well, I'm not.

182
00:09:01,318 --> 00:09:03,258
- A little bi maybe?
- No!

183
00:09:04,486 --> 00:09:05,715
You're messing with me, right?

184
00:09:05,802 --> 00:09:07,100
Come see for yourself.

185
00:09:08,345 --> 00:09:13,807
I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher.

186
00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:17,425
And look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.

187
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,192
There's a 9.6 right there.

188
00:09:19,466 --> 00:09:21,325
Don't touch the computer.

189
00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,319
Yes, Sarah O'Brien.

190
00:09:24,408 --> 00:09:28,066
I fixed her up six months ago. She would have been absolutely perfect for you.

191
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:31,210
Well, what about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?

192
00:09:31,303 --> 00:09:32,203
8.5.

193
00:09:32,296 --> 00:09:33,250
So he sucks.

194
00:09:33,343 --> 00:09:36,893
No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.

195
00:09:36,971 --> 00:09:38,708
Oh, sure, it's good.

196
00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:41,871
It's solid, but a 9.6?

197
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,884
9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up.

198
00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:48,533
Ted, look, I have a lunch.

199
00:09:48,618 --> 00:09:52,660
Please, I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope.

200
00:09:52,874 --> 00:09:56,083
There are new women turning 18 every day.

201
00:10:24,355 --> 00:10:27,345
It's a whole new species-- the cock-a-mouse.

202
00:10:27,430 --> 00:10:31,115
And it's the size of a potato.

203
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:36,349
So what, now it's a cock-a-potato-mouse?

204
00:10:36,439 --> 00:10:39,360
Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cock-a-mouse.

205
00:10:40,566 --> 00:10:43,600
My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person.

206
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,855
Sarah O'Brien loves brunch, she wants to have two children.

207
00:10:47,335 --> 00:10:51,093
Her guilty pleasure song is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts.

208
00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:54,131
Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman.

209
00:10:54,848 --> 00:10:58,412
And like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic.

210
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:02,712
Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.

211
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,063
For as much as we know about the cock-a-mouse,

212
00:11:05,162 --> 00:11:07,321
there's still so much we don't know.

213
00:11:08,152 --> 00:11:11,212
Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cock-a-mouse.

214
00:11:11,302 --> 00:11:14,587
What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.

215
00:11:15,306 --> 00:11:17,494
So you really don't believe in the cock-a-mouse?

216
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:20,064
Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal,

217
00:11:20,149 --> 00:11:22,529
but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know?

218
00:11:22,629 --> 00:11:24,879
Like the Loch Ness Monster.

219
00:11:27,665 --> 00:11:32,015
If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean totally exists and is awesome,

220
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,467
then yeah, it's like the Loch Ness Monster.

221
00:11:35,938 --> 00:11:40,263
Its diet is not unlike our own-- grains, cereals-- and it's awfully fond of cheese.

222
00:11:40,347 --> 00:11:43,220
Okay, this is getting weird. The similarities go on and on.

223
00:11:43,309 --> 00:11:46,960
She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies, too.

224
00:11:47,095 --> 00:11:49,381
She's a dermatologist. I have skin.

225
00:11:49,983 --> 00:11:54,173
You want to be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend, it's uncanny.

226
00:11:54,579 --> 00:11:55,605
All right.

227
00:11:55,797 --> 00:11:57,407
But it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right?

228
00:11:57,498 --> 00:11:59,551
See what my 9.6 looks like in person?

229
00:11:59,628 --> 00:12:01,392
As, you know, a frame of reference.

230
00:12:01,475 --> 00:12:05,715
And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?

231
00:12:06,074 --> 00:12:08,545
That's right. I did the math.

232
00:12:12,113 --> 00:12:12,874
Hi.

233
00:12:12,973 --> 00:12:14,801
Hi. I'm Dr. O'Brien.

234
00:12:14,903 --> 00:12:16,216
I'm Architect Mosby.

235
00:12:16,332 --> 00:12:18,802
Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too.

236
00:12:19,161 --> 00:12:20,303
Hi, I'm Ted.

237
00:12:20,417 --> 00:12:22,163
Hi. So what are we doing today?

238
00:12:22,251 --> 00:12:24,581
Right, I, uh, I have a kind of mole on my back.

239
00:12:24,635 --> 00:12:26,963
It's probably nothing, but I'm a cautious guy.

240
00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:28,835
I'm exactly the same.

241
00:12:32,538 --> 00:12:38,178
Summer breeze makes me feel fine

242
00:12:38,301 --> 00:12:43,542
Blowing through the jasmine in my mind

243
00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:46,747
Sorry about that.

244
00:12:46,837 --> 00:12:48,939
"Summer Breeze" is my guilty pleasure song.

245
00:12:49,132 --> 00:12:52,056
It's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend...

246
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:53,587
at brunch.

247
00:12:53,871 --> 00:12:55,607
I love brunch.

248
00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:57,456
It's the best.

249
00:12:57,585 --> 00:13:00,491
As long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.

250
00:13:01,328 --> 00:13:03,952
I like the way you think, Architect Mosby.

251
00:13:05,656 --> 00:13:08,825
Hey, this may sound weird, but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off.

252
00:13:08,901 --> 00:13:10,485
So I'm going to ask you now.

253
00:13:10,673 --> 00:13:13,113
Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?

254
00:13:13,935 --> 00:13:18,630
That's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.

255
00:13:20,139 --> 00:13:21,323
Friday night?

256
00:13:25,202 --> 00:13:28,064
Wow. You're getting married. Congratulations.

257
00:13:28,151 --> 00:13:29,145
Thank you.

258
00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:31,331
I'm really sorry I asked you out, it just felt like

259
00:13:31,408 --> 00:13:33,523
there could be this weird connection between us.

260
00:13:33,611 --> 00:13:35,155
How crazy am I coming off here?

261
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,566
Only a little.

262
00:13:36,992 --> 00:13:41,285
Well... if by some million-to-one long shot and I'm not rooting for this--

263
00:13:41,471 --> 00:13:44,247
you wind up not getting married this weekend,

264
00:13:44,596 --> 00:13:45,913
give me a call.

265
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,037
Okay.

266
00:13:47,150 --> 00:13:50,260
But it's not likely. I look damn good in my dress.

267
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,185
I'm sure you do.

268
00:13:56,310 --> 00:13:59,537
Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap.

269
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,974
You think the roadrunner's going to fall for it?

270
00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:03,819
Okay, we get it. You're skeptical.

271
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:05,962
But Marshall and I, we're believers.

272
00:14:06,059 --> 00:14:07,085
We believe.

273
00:14:07,184 --> 00:14:10,456
Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome.

274
00:14:10,551 --> 00:14:13,763
You've got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot.

275
00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:17,190
Bad maps, creaky houses, hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

276
00:14:17,285 --> 00:14:18,590
Aliens.

277
00:14:18,881 --> 00:14:21,455
Oh, come on, you've got to give me aliens.

278
00:14:21,549 --> 00:14:25,662
Stonehenge, Area 51, there's alien crap all over the place.

279
00:14:25,918 --> 00:14:27,610
You can't be serious.

280
00:14:27,787 --> 00:14:30,186
My friend, you just poked the bear.

281
00:14:32,237 --> 00:14:38,231
So my 9.6-- beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.

282
00:14:38,624 --> 00:14:40,741
Oh, Ted. I'm so sorry.

283
00:14:40,828 --> 00:14:42,201
Yeah, it was a long shot.

284
00:14:42,296 --> 00:14:45,067
I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but I don't know.

285
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,993
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not skip over this.

286
00:14:48,381 --> 00:14:52,653
Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman.

287
00:14:56,209 --> 00:14:58,388
Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

288
00:14:58,802 --> 00:15:05,704
"On the night of July 2, 1947, conditions we clear over Roswell, New Mexico..."

289
00:15:05,733 --> 00:15:06,875
Oh, geez.

290
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,036
Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you.

291
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,059
Dr. O'Brien.

292
00:15:10,156 --> 00:15:11,263
What?

293
00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:13,772
"When suddenly an array of..."

294
00:15:14,884 --> 00:15:17,135
Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien.

295
00:15:17,221 --> 00:15:20,187
About today, listen, I really need to talk to you.

296
00:15:20,275 --> 00:15:22,400
Call me. I'll be at the office all day.

297
00:15:23,085 --> 00:15:25,272
The doctor will see you now.

298
00:15:31,113 --> 00:15:33,053
What should I do? I should totally go down there, right?

299
00:15:33,121 --> 00:15:36,959
Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.

300
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,429
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.

301
00:15:39,509 --> 00:15:43,027
Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it,

302
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,668
I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.

303
00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:50,273
In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending.

304
00:15:50,418 --> 00:15:51,737
Happy ending.

305
00:15:52,713 --> 00:15:53,891
Look, I have to go down there.

306
00:15:53,989 --> 00:15:56,551
I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but I've got to give it a shot.

307
00:15:56,902 --> 00:15:59,301
All right, see you later. Happy hunting.

308
00:15:59,421 --> 00:16:02,670
Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse?

309
00:16:02,752 --> 00:16:05,172
Yeah, we're going to go make some crop circles.

310
00:16:09,675 --> 00:16:10,841
Oh, my God!

311
00:16:10,946 --> 00:16:13,081
Holy crap buckets. We got it.

312
00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:14,474
What do we do with it?

313
00:16:14,571 --> 00:16:16,426
Calm down. I have a plan.

314
00:16:16,526 --> 00:16:20,523
I told my friend Sadip about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department.

315
00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:22,232
But it has to be alive.

316
00:16:22,312 --> 00:16:23,558
Wait, no, no!

317
00:16:23,647 --> 00:16:27,356
They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean.

318
00:16:27,473 --> 00:16:30,080
Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?

319
00:16:35,053 --> 00:16:36,174
Hello again.

320
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:42,574
I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.

321
00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:45,800
Go ahead, Sarah. You can tell me anything.

322
00:16:45,924 --> 00:16:49,003
You have a basal cell carcinoma.

323
00:16:49,527 --> 00:16:51,327
Anything else?

324
00:16:52,810 --> 00:16:55,772
Your mole. The biopsy came back.

325
00:16:55,864 --> 00:16:59,725
It's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.

326
00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:01,888
Wait, then you're still getting married?

327
00:17:01,981 --> 00:17:03,593
Of course I'm still getting married.

328
00:17:03,677 --> 00:17:05,661
But we're a 9.6.

329
00:17:05,748 --> 00:17:07,270
Excuse me?

330
00:17:07,411 --> 00:17:11,979
Okay. I went to Love Solutions, and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer,

331
00:17:12,057 --> 00:17:13,663
that you and I are a 9.6.

332
00:17:13,759 --> 00:17:15,634
Your fiancé is only an 8.5.

333
00:17:15,745 --> 00:17:17,194
You looked at my file?

334
00:17:17,293 --> 00:17:19,710
I had to. You're my only match.

335
00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:20,997
Aren't you even a little curious?

336
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,929
The woman who set you up with your fiancé, thinks we're a better match.

337
00:17:24,003 --> 00:17:27,306
I am getting married on Saturday.

338
00:17:29,292 --> 00:17:31,376
Summer breeze...

339
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:32,497
Ted.

340
00:17:32,591 --> 00:17:34,532
Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive

341
00:17:34,614 --> 00:17:36,413
marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?

342
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:38,106
Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you

343
00:17:38,185 --> 00:17:41,262
to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?

344
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,716
See? We're both impulsive.

345
00:17:43,798 --> 00:17:45,056
We're perfect for each other.

346
00:17:45,134 --> 00:17:46,422
Ted, just calm down.

347
00:17:46,504 --> 00:17:48,799
Calm down?! You're my only match.

348
00:17:48,891 --> 00:17:53,905
God, there was a computer and there were eight fish in a sea full of lesbians and...

349
00:17:53,911 --> 00:17:55,279
Okay, Ted, Ted.

350
00:17:56,498 --> 00:18:00,727
Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you

351
00:18:00,810 --> 00:18:03,392
just because some computer says so?

352
00:18:05,121 --> 00:18:10,122
I didn't used to. But there was math, I got confused.

353
00:18:10,691 --> 00:18:14,885
Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling.

354
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:19,820
When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect ten.

355
00:18:21,303 --> 00:18:22,392
You're right.

356
00:18:23,324 --> 00:18:27,462
If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.

357
00:18:27,791 --> 00:18:29,406
Brace yourself, dude.

358
00:18:29,539 --> 00:18:31,861
This is going to blow your mind hole.

359
00:18:35,431 --> 00:18:36,525
You bastard.

360
00:18:36,610 --> 00:18:38,235
I actually got excited about this.

361
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,211
What?

362
00:18:39,298 --> 00:18:40,579
It's empty.

363
00:18:42,668 --> 00:18:45,824
Wait, but if it's not here, that means...

364
00:18:46,728 --> 00:18:47,840
Lily.

365
00:18:49,138 --> 00:18:50,165
Robin!

366
00:18:50,248 --> 00:18:51,163
What?

367
00:18:54,470 --> 00:18:55,613
Oh, my God.

368
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:56,476
It's real.

369
00:18:56,545 --> 00:18:57,925
No, is it?

370
00:18:58,003 --> 00:18:59,555
Do something.

371
00:19:04,557 --> 00:19:06,935
What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk?

372
00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:08,821
It was the only thing I could think of.

373
00:19:09,401 --> 00:19:11,044
Lily! Thank God.

374
00:19:14,351 --> 00:19:15,846
Lily, I love you.

375
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,374
Robin, open up the window!

376
00:19:22,672 --> 00:19:25,110
Open the window! Ah!

377
00:19:27,782 --> 00:19:29,500
It can fly.

378
00:19:30,783 --> 00:19:32,335
Wow.

379
00:19:33,281 --> 00:19:35,456
Be free, mutant beast.

380
00:19:35,714 --> 00:19:37,897
I'll miss this private war of ours.

381
00:19:38,023 --> 00:19:42,652
I grew to admire your tenacious... Holy mother of God, it's headed this way!

382
00:19:51,636 --> 00:19:52,787
Hi, Ellen.

383
00:19:55,055 --> 00:19:56,717
I think I want my money back.

384
00:19:58,301 --> 00:19:59,570
I'm a failure.

385
00:19:59,955 --> 00:20:02,543
I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted.

386
00:20:02,753 --> 00:20:06,532
I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program.

387
00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:10,846
Last night I stood out on the street for five hours

388
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:14,064
showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers.

389
00:20:14,753 --> 00:20:18,058
Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price

390
00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:22,821
because you kind of look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything.

391
00:20:24,258 --> 00:20:27,664
Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream, isn't that a bit cliché?

392
00:20:27,756 --> 00:20:29,184
It's for the bourbon.

393
00:20:30,624 --> 00:20:33,076
This isn't hopeless. You're going to find someone for me.

394
00:20:33,170 --> 00:20:35,019
No, I won't.

395
00:20:35,103 --> 00:20:36,971
You're going to die alone.

396
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,385
I'm not going to die alone.

397
00:20:39,469 --> 00:20:41,724
Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive.

398
00:20:41,815 --> 00:20:43,585
You just got to get back out there and keep looking.

399
00:20:43,678 --> 00:20:45,484
No, you're never going to find anybody.

400
00:20:45,571 --> 00:20:49,179
And every year you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder.

401
00:20:49,278 --> 00:20:51,948
You're being ridiculous. I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days.

402
00:20:52,006 --> 00:20:54,741
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!

403
00:20:54,845 --> 00:20:55,974
How do you know?

404
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:59,089
I don't know, but I believe.

405
00:20:59,189 --> 00:21:03,906
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then, damn it, so can I.

406
00:21:04,505 --> 00:21:05,850
You're losing me.

407
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:09,206
The point is, something good's going to happen to me.

408
00:21:09,287 --> 00:21:13,211
Maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen.

409
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,860
So I should keep looking?

410
00:21:16,964 --> 00:21:18,807
Of course you should.

411
00:21:19,136 --> 00:21:22,925
And now, you're going to do it for free.