General Information[]
| Title | "The Duel" |
| Format | SubRip |
| Extension | .srt |
| Wikipedia article | http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Duel_(How_I_Met_Your_Mother) |
Subtitles[]
- 1
00:00:12,744 --> 00:00:16,154 So Kids, there are many buildings in New York City.
2 00:00:16,406 --> 00:00:18,101 Thousands of apartments,
3 00:00:18,697 --> 00:00:20,166 millions of stories.
4 00:00:20,596 --> 00:00:23,777 And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now,
5 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:29,099 there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment.
6 00:00:29,784 --> 00:00:32,006 I have so many great memories of that place.
7 00:00:32,373 --> 00:00:34,113 Marshall playing video games.
8 00:00:34,822 --> 00:00:37,167 Lily painting on the fire escape.
9 00:00:38,297 --> 00:00:39,121 Hey!
10 00:00:39,603 --> 00:00:41,484 Sorry, Mr. Matson.
11 00:00:42,453 --> 00:00:44,447 And me making the coffee.
12 00:00:44,589 --> 00:00:47,999 I had this coffee pot-- it was probably 50 years old at the time,
13 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:50,007 and it made truly terrible coffee.
14 00:00:50,314 --> 00:00:51,915 We called it Shocky.
15 00:00:52,372 --> 00:00:53,366 Plugging in.
16 00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:54,804 Saving game.
17 00:00:59,342 --> 00:01:01,538 I loved every last detail of that place,
18 00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:04,870 right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall.
19 00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:07,143 I never wanted any of it to change.
20 00:01:07,447 --> 00:01:09,534 But that's not how life works.
21 00:01:11,451 --> 00:01:14,073 You guys will never believe what just happened to us.
22 00:01:14,149 --> 00:01:15,662 I don't even believe it myself.
23 00:01:15,745 --> 00:01:19,079 We were in Queens, and we decided to stop by my apartment.
24 00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:20,679 Wait, her apartment?
25 00:01:20,771 --> 00:01:23,169 I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.
26 00:01:23,254 --> 00:01:27,129 I could see how you would think that, but I have to have my own place.
27 00:01:27,215 --> 00:01:28,794 It's an independence thing.
28 00:01:28,877 --> 00:01:30,533 When was the last time you were there?
29 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,199 Three months ago.
30 00:01:32,679 --> 00:01:33,686 What?
31 00:01:33,825 --> 00:01:35,287 It's like fat pants.
32 00:01:35,373 --> 00:01:38,789 You hope you never have to use them, but you're glad to know they're there.
33 00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:42,632 What the hell?
34 00:01:42,733 --> 00:01:43,601 What?
35 00:01:44,324 --> 00:01:46,123 This is my apartment.
36 00:01:46,535 --> 00:01:47,591 Where?
37 00:01:47,736 --> 00:01:49,082 Right here.
38 00:01:50,988 --> 00:01:52,747 What the hell?
39 00:01:53,141 --> 00:01:54,973 Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.
40 00:01:55,062 --> 00:01:58,469 No, no, this was my apartment.
41 00:01:58,592 --> 00:01:59,874 My dresser was right...
42 00:02:00,272 --> 00:02:02,003 That's my dresser!
43 00:02:02,666 --> 00:02:05,389 And this is my closet.
44 00:02:05,831 --> 00:02:10,259 And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain.
45 00:02:10,374 --> 00:02:11,970 Hi. How many?
46 00:02:12,386 --> 00:02:13,444 Lily.
47 00:02:13,870 --> 00:02:15,194 Yes. You know me?
48 00:02:15,273 --> 00:02:17,964 Yeah. From your homecoming picture.
49 00:02:18,066 --> 00:02:20,433 You're much prettier in person.
50 00:02:21,054 --> 00:02:23,862 Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake.
51 00:02:23,988 --> 00:02:25,483 Where's my stuff?!
52 00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,218 Oh, it's all in the back.
53 00:02:27,308 --> 00:02:28,721 We could wrap it up for you.
54 00:02:28,808 --> 00:02:30,338 You want it to go?
55 00:02:30,575 --> 00:02:32,752 This is my apartment.
56 00:02:32,947 --> 00:02:34,865 Not anymore.
57 00:02:35,541 --> 00:02:37,679 No way. You're making this up.
58 00:02:37,764 --> 00:02:40,032 Yeah, the building would have had to give you some kind of notice.
59 00:02:40,115 --> 00:02:41,802 They sent you a notice about this.
60 00:02:41,892 --> 00:02:42,624 When?
61 00:02:42,722 --> 00:02:44,269 Three months ago.
62 00:02:44,355 --> 00:02:45,387 And here's your mail.
63 00:02:45,468 --> 00:02:46,765 Minus magazines.
64 00:02:48,207 --> 00:02:51,050 Well, still legally, they can't just toss you out on the street.
65 00:02:51,116 --> 00:02:52,074 You have a lease.
66 00:02:52,162 --> 00:02:55,068 Okay, so I didn't have a written lease as such,
67 00:02:55,149 --> 00:02:58,579 but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.
68 00:02:58,670 --> 00:03:01,271 She may be 98 years old, but she's still...
69 00:03:02,365 --> 00:03:04,053 She's dead, isn't she?
70 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:05,992 Never even saw the bus.
71 00:03:07,058 --> 00:03:10,991 My apartment is a Chinese restaurant.
72 00:03:11,146 --> 00:03:12,798 What am I going to do?
73 00:03:12,896 --> 00:03:14,547 Come live with us.
74 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:15,567 Really?
75 00:03:15,646 --> 00:03:16,641 Of course.
76 00:03:16,739 --> 00:03:17,900 You sure about this, Ted?
77 00:03:17,993 --> 00:03:20,823 Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway.
78 00:03:20,911 --> 00:03:22,451 It's not like it'll change anything.
79 00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:24,938 No, it's like it will change everything.
80 00:03:25,016 --> 00:03:27,115 Oh, Ted, you are so screwed.
81 00:03:27,198 --> 00:03:28,660 What are you talking about?
82 00:03:28,743 --> 00:03:31,372 And why is that girl checking you out?
83 00:03:31,547 --> 00:03:33,128 Because I look good.
84 00:03:33,966 --> 00:03:35,155 Now, focus.
85 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,847 You and Marshall are roommates.
86 00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,136 You have an amazing apartment.
87 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:40,110 Marshall and Lily just got engaged.
88 00:03:40,183 --> 00:03:41,046 Yeah, so?
89 00:03:41,136 --> 00:03:44,421 So, you're not still going to be his roommate when he gets married, are you?
90 00:03:44,508 --> 00:03:46,668 Someone's going to move out. So who's it going to be?
91 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:49,372 Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment.
92 00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:51,227 You've talked about who gets the apartment, right?
93 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,949 Yeah, we've talked about it.
94 00:03:53,305 --> 00:03:59,283 So when Lily and I get married, who's going to get the apartment?
95 00:03:59,646 --> 00:04:01,555 Oh, that's a tough one.
96 00:04:02,272 --> 00:04:04,604 You know who I think could handle a problem like that?
97 00:04:05,176 --> 00:04:05,997 Who?
98 00:04:06,474 --> 00:04:09,254 Future Ted and Future Marshall.
99 00:04:10,324 --> 00:04:11,729 Totally.
100 00:04:11,875 --> 00:04:13,623 Let's let those guys handle it.
101 00:04:13,745 --> 00:04:15,409 Damn it, Past Ted.
102 00:04:16,596 --> 00:04:18,296 You blew it, dude.
103 00:04:18,397 --> 00:04:20,450 Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic.
104 00:04:20,540 --> 00:04:21,525 They're edging you out.
105 00:04:21,614 --> 00:04:23,558 That's crazy. They're not edging me out.
106 00:04:23,637 --> 00:04:25,211 Marshall's my best friend.
107 00:04:25,696 --> 00:04:28,116 One of my best friends.
108 00:04:28,372 --> 00:04:30,153 He wouldn't do that to me.
109 00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:33,051 Just keep your eyes open, that's all I'm saying, Teddy.
110 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,985 Little things are going to be changing around that apartment.
111 00:04:36,065 --> 00:04:37,868 Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid.
112 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,961 Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal?
113 00:04:41,446 --> 00:04:43,242 I'm sort of on a date with her.
114 00:04:43,331 --> 00:04:43,969 What?
115 00:04:44,054 --> 00:04:45,089 Yeah, yeah.
116 00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:47,168 I found her online.
117 00:04:47,272 --> 00:04:51,041 I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups.
118 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,299 I'm looking for a soul mate.
119 00:04:53,397 --> 00:04:55,881 Someone who I can love and cuddle.
120 00:04:56,137 --> 00:04:58,899 Or so it says in my profile.
121 00:05:01,442 --> 00:05:03,039 But this girl...
122 00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:07,471 she wants the same stuff. And it's... it's bumming me out.
123 00:05:07,564 --> 00:05:09,292 All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.
124 00:05:09,386 --> 00:05:09,929 All right.
125 00:05:09,992 --> 00:05:10,993 You're going to the hospital?
126 00:05:11,085 --> 00:05:12,968 No. See, he's going to go back over there, and I'm going to call him.
127 00:05:13,044 --> 00:05:16,112 He's going to pretend it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital.
128 00:05:16,214 --> 00:05:18,395 Oh, Lord, fake emergency?
129 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:21,925 That is the lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book.
130 00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,321 I expect more from you, Barney.
131 00:05:23,413 --> 00:05:25,955 Well, stay tuned. I'm working on some stuff.
132 00:05:26,179 --> 00:05:28,212 But in the meantime, wish me luck.
133 00:05:30,472 --> 00:05:32,736 So, are you going to talk to Marshall?
134 00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:35,325 He's going to want the apartment, I'm going to want the apartment.
135 00:05:35,416 --> 00:05:37,778 It's going to lead to an argument. So, no.
136 00:05:37,877 --> 00:05:39,827 Hmm, that's real healthy.
137 00:05:39,915 --> 00:05:44,345 So when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it?
138 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,385 I should really make this call.
139 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:48,861 Ooh, can I do it?
140 00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:54,666 Excuse me.
141 00:05:56,505 --> 00:05:57,240 Hello.
142 00:05:57,350 --> 00:05:59,379 Hi, there... sexy.
143 00:05:59,702 --> 00:06:02,261 Hello, Aunt Cathy. What's up?
144 00:06:02,444 --> 00:06:03,717 Oh, nothing.
145 00:06:03,843 --> 00:06:07,627 Just sitting here thinking about you, hot stuff.
146 00:06:08,016 --> 00:06:09,596 An accident?
147 00:06:09,798 --> 00:06:12,737 Well, is Uncle Rudy going to be okay?
148 00:06:12,868 --> 00:06:17,884 Aunt Cathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.
149 00:06:19,098 --> 00:06:20,551 Oh, God!
150 00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:23,890 Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
151 00:06:24,190 --> 00:06:28,847 Oh, come on, Daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
152 00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,766 Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.
153 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,347 I'll be right there.
154 00:06:35,101 --> 00:06:36,744 You know... I...
155 00:06:40,848 --> 00:06:41,700 See you guys later.
156 00:06:43,086 --> 00:06:44,993 Put it on my check.
157 00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:48,919 Ah, this will be nice.
158 00:06:49,019 --> 00:06:51,422 The three of us living together.
159 00:06:52,064 --> 00:06:53,733 I think it's a good setup.
160 00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:56,888 Man, this coffee's great.
161 00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:00,395 It's really great.
162 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,045 Too great.
163 00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:09,416 What happened to Shocky?
164 00:07:14,015 --> 00:07:15,109 What's this?
165 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,140 My coffeemaker from my apartment.
166 00:07:17,233 --> 00:07:18,867 It makes great coffee, right?
167 00:07:18,978 --> 00:07:20,674 Yeah, definitely.
168 00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,666 I mean, so does Shocky.
169 00:07:22,772 --> 00:07:23,789 Really?
170 00:07:23,895 --> 00:07:27,058 I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kind of rusty.
171 00:07:27,150 --> 00:07:28,657 Yeah, no, it did.
172 00:07:28,852 --> 00:07:32,066 I mean, I kind of liked the rusty taste.
173 00:07:32,402 --> 00:07:34,328 I'm used to it, I don't know.
174 00:07:34,817 --> 00:07:39,196 Also, Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock people.
175 00:07:40,205 --> 00:07:44,633 No, it's just... you got to admit that shock, that... wakes you up in the morning.
176 00:07:45,404 --> 00:07:47,205 You know what else wakes you up in the morning?
177 00:07:47,486 --> 00:07:48,373 Coffee.
178 00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:52,147 That's great. You're right.
179 00:07:53,383 --> 00:07:54,267 Roomies.
180 00:07:55,074 --> 00:07:56,136 I love it.
181 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,491 They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out.
182 00:08:00,578 --> 00:08:01,918 I didn't believe it, but you're right.
183 00:08:02,019 --> 00:08:04,081 Told you. That Lily-- she's a shrewd one.
184 00:08:04,171 --> 00:08:08,983 Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker-- how dare she.
185 00:08:09,563 --> 00:08:11,143 It's not just the coffeemaker.
186 00:08:11,362 --> 00:08:12,245 Done.
187 00:08:12,379 --> 00:08:13,725 The painting's done.
188 00:08:14,791 --> 00:08:17,155 - That is great. - Nice.
189 00:08:17,620 --> 00:08:19,175 Where do you want to hang it?
190 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,422 I don't know.
191 00:08:21,004 --> 00:08:23,359 Uh... Over the piano?
192 00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:26,746 Yeah, that would be a good place for it.
193 00:08:26,862 --> 00:08:31,169 Too bad the swords are there. We kind of love those swords.
194 00:08:32,322 --> 00:08:34,811 Well, those swords have been up there a long time.
195 00:08:34,910 --> 00:08:37,395 I know, right? I'd really miss them, too.
196 00:08:37,974 --> 00:08:40,211 So, maybe Marshall's room.
197 00:08:41,314 --> 00:08:42,373 Okay.
198 00:08:43,822 --> 00:08:45,604 He was going to take the swords down.
199 00:08:45,701 --> 00:08:46,737 Can you believe that?
200 00:08:46,837 --> 00:08:49,732 Ted, why don't you just talk to him. He's your best friend.
201 00:08:52,421 --> 00:08:54,084 One of your best friends.
202 00:08:55,266 --> 00:08:58,016 The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.
203 00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:01,418 Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever.
204 00:09:01,697 --> 00:09:04,115 Look, you held off their first advance. That's good.
205 00:09:04,196 --> 00:09:06,402 Now it's time to counterstrike.
206 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,922 Well, what am I supposed to do?
207 00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:11,843 You got to mark your territory. And I don't mean missing the toilet.
208 00:09:12,338 --> 00:09:14,476 You've got to do something big.
209 00:09:14,576 --> 00:09:16,385 What, like buy a new sofa?
210 00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:17,847 Bigger.
211 00:09:18,818 --> 00:09:19,768 Katie's here.
212 00:09:19,894 --> 00:09:22,058 Okay, real quick... last night, epiphany--
213 00:09:22,165 --> 00:09:24,644 I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready?
214 00:09:24,758 --> 00:09:26,257 A lemon law.
215 00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,315 A lemon law like for cars?
216 00:09:28,410 --> 00:09:29,662 Exactly.
217 00:09:29,755 --> 00:09:32,136 From the moment the date begins, you have five minutes
218 00:09:32,245 --> 00:09:34,658 to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening.
219 00:09:34,738 --> 00:09:36,774 And if you don't, it's no hard feelings. Just,
220 00:09:36,849 --> 00:09:39,321 "Good night. Thanks for playing. See you never."
221 00:09:39,426 --> 00:09:42,761 Huh? Huh? The lemon law-- it's going to be a thing.
222 00:09:43,443 --> 00:09:45,464 Possibly, starting right now.
223 00:09:47,916 --> 00:09:49,483 Hi, Katie. Barney.
224 00:09:49,609 --> 00:09:52,886 Hi. It's good to finally meet you.
225 00:09:56,029 --> 00:10:01,206 Hmm, yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history.
226 00:10:07,633 --> 00:10:08,493 Tell your friends.
227 00:10:10,307 --> 00:10:11,379 It's going to be a thing.
228 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,104 Man, Ted's been acting weird.
229 00:10:15,189 --> 00:10:17,340 He started labeling all his food.
230 00:10:17,436 --> 00:10:20,151 He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.
231 00:10:20,413 --> 00:10:21,362 Yeah.
232 00:10:21,926 --> 00:10:23,097 Well, now it's Ed's.
233 00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:27,579 I think he's not cool with me moving in.
234 00:10:27,707 --> 00:10:29,377 No, that's not it.
235 00:10:29,547 --> 00:10:31,446 You've basically lived here all along.
236 00:10:31,557 --> 00:10:32,740 Ted loves you.
237 00:10:32,847 --> 00:10:34,973 So what's he PMSing about?
238 00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:36,679 I don't know.
239 00:10:36,782 --> 00:10:39,951 But when he's ready to talk to me about it, he'll come and talk to me about it.
240 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,375 Are you kidding?
241 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,590 You guys never talk about anything.
242 00:10:43,683 --> 00:10:45,781 He'll just let it fester under the surface
243 00:10:45,870 --> 00:10:48,596 until he doesn't something big and passive-aggressive.
244 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,259 You clearly don't know Ted.
245 00:10:51,653 --> 00:10:53,275 Delivery for Ted Mosby.
246 00:10:59,269 --> 00:11:01,257 Your English phone booth arrived.
247 00:11:01,406 --> 00:11:04,700 Oh, awesome! It's great, right?
248 00:11:04,805 --> 00:11:06,556 Yeah, I guess.
249 00:11:06,678 --> 00:11:09,018 I'm just not sure if Lily's going to like it.
250 00:11:09,948 --> 00:11:16,424 Well, I like it, so I'm just going to keep it right here, if that's cool.
251 00:11:17,203 --> 00:11:18,485 Of course.
252 00:11:18,606 --> 00:11:20,411 I mean, we all live here, so...
253 00:11:20,510 --> 00:11:22,791 we should all be able to have things the way we want them.
254 00:11:22,897 --> 00:11:23,945 Exactly.
255 00:11:24,113 --> 00:11:24,968 Great.
256 00:11:25,123 --> 00:11:26,228 Terrific.
257 00:11:26,448 --> 00:11:29,158 You like the phone booth, it stays.
258 00:11:29,284 --> 00:11:31,269 I like this painting...
259 00:11:31,372 --> 00:11:34,014 so I'm just going to hang it...
260 00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,297 right here on the wall.
261 00:11:42,899 --> 00:11:45,128 Oh. So it's like that, is it?
262 00:11:48,245 --> 00:11:51,840 Oh, hello, governor. Oh, it's like that, isn't it? Cheerio.
263 00:11:51,868 --> 00:11:53,661 Yeah, it's like that.
264 00:11:54,649 --> 00:11:57,919 - I want this apartment. - Well, I want it, too.
265 00:11:58,702 --> 00:11:59,944 You're a jerk.
266 00:12:00,042 --> 00:12:01,797 No, I'm a visionary.
267 00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:03,768 Lemon law! It's going to be a thing.
268 00:12:06,975 --> 00:12:10,098 For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything
269 00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:12,810 that's wrong with our no-attention-span society.
270 00:12:12,910 --> 00:12:15,127 No. Wrong. Lemon law's awesome.
271 00:12:15,692 --> 00:12:19,052 It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone.
272 00:12:19,136 --> 00:12:22,749 You keep giving up on people so quickly. You could miss out on something great.
273 00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:25,347 Okay, you're on a blind date.
274 00:12:25,441 --> 00:12:28,472 Sitting across from the table is... that guy.
275 00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:31,487 You really think it'll take more than five minutes
276 00:12:31,566 --> 00:12:33,874 to realize there will be no date number two?
277 00:12:34,277 --> 00:12:35,563 Yes, I do.
278 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,183 For all I know, that guy's my soul mate.
279 00:12:39,157 --> 00:12:42,609 Oh... bad move, Scherbotsky.
280 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:44,504 Hi.
281 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,680 Have you met Robin?
282 00:12:48,007 --> 00:12:49,941 - Hi. - Hi.
283 00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:55,903 All right, Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment.
284 00:12:56,013 --> 00:12:58,033 May lead to an argument,
285 00:12:58,150 --> 00:13:00,048 but we're settling this.
286 00:13:00,166 --> 00:13:01,273 Or we could flip a coin.
287 00:13:01,371 --> 00:13:02,703 Yeah, let's flip a coin.
288 00:13:04,976 --> 00:13:06,178 - Flip it. - Okay.
289 00:13:06,257 --> 00:13:07,445 I'm flipping it. Here I go.
290 00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:09,058 - Flip it. - Okay, here I go.
291 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,266 - Flip it. - I'm flipping.
292 00:13:12,864 --> 00:13:14,852 But before I do, I just want to say something.
293 00:13:14,939 --> 00:13:16,563 You didn't even want to move in here in the first place.
294 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:18,492 You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies.
295 00:13:18,575 --> 00:13:19,501 That was five years ago.
296 00:13:19,579 --> 00:13:21,747 Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter.
297 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,706 Oh, snap. What else you got?
298 00:13:25,156 --> 00:13:27,055 Okay, I'm flipping. Heads or tails?
299 00:13:27,876 --> 00:13:30,328 - You don't need two rooms. - Heads or tails, Marshall.
300 00:13:30,416 --> 00:13:33,397 - Like you need two rooms. - We might be starting a family soon.
301 00:13:33,484 --> 00:13:36,273 Oh, no, you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're still in law school.
302 00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:37,476 It's going to be at least three years.
303 00:13:37,539 --> 00:13:39,922 It could be sooner. We're not that careful with our birth control.
304 00:13:40,013 --> 00:13:41,097 Two-zip.
305 00:13:41,417 --> 00:13:44,542 Oh, come on! You know damn well, I move out, that room's going unused.
306 00:13:44,617 --> 00:13:47,604 Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate. Who's it going to be, Barney?
307 00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:49,189 You know he cooks naked.
308 00:13:49,925 --> 00:13:52,975 Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down.
309 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:54,442 We were bros!
310 00:13:54,545 --> 00:13:56,586 These swords represent our bro-hood.
311 00:13:56,677 --> 00:13:59,228 And you took them down to make room for your fiancee's stupid painting?
312 00:13:59,308 --> 00:14:02,771 My fiancee? Suddenly she's "my fiancee"?
313 00:14:02,965 --> 00:14:04,318 Lily's a part of who I am.
314 00:14:04,403 --> 00:14:07,046 And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are, too.
315 00:14:07,126 --> 00:14:08,949 She's a bro by extension.
316 00:14:09,297 --> 00:14:11,542 I deserve this apartment, Marshall.
317 00:14:12,408 --> 00:14:13,501 No more than I do.
318 00:14:14,899 --> 00:14:15,609 Great.
319 00:14:15,795 --> 00:14:17,073 So let's flip for it.
320 00:14:18,529 --> 00:14:19,590 Flip it.
321 00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:26,409 Si this is how we're deciding who gets the apartment?
322 00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:27,670 I guess so.
323 00:14:28,774 --> 00:14:30,141 How are we doing this exactly?
324 00:14:30,231 --> 00:14:31,593 Is this, like, to the death?
325 00:14:31,687 --> 00:14:33,081 We should probably figure that out.
326 00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:34,568 Ooh! Ow. Ow.
327 00:14:34,654 --> 00:14:36,320 He's okay, he's okay, he's okay.
328 00:14:37,722 --> 00:14:38,797 Can I observe something?
329 00:14:38,881 --> 00:14:40,246 That this is kind of awesome?
330 00:14:40,942 --> 00:14:42,133 Totally.
331 00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:44,437 - I can't believe we didn't do this before. - I know.
332 00:14:47,296 --> 00:14:48,317 Thank you.
333 00:14:50,313 --> 00:14:51,532 I can't believe this.
334 00:14:51,628 --> 00:14:55,933 I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met eating at my favorite restaurant.
335 00:14:56,516 --> 00:14:57,407 Sweet.
336 00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,867 It's a nice place.
337 00:15:00,202 --> 00:15:02,055 It's good to know the future has ribs.
338 00:15:02,788 --> 00:15:06,063 In the future, food will most likely be served in gel cap form.
339 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,239 Plus, cows will probably have died out by then.
340 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,083 Or be our leaders.
341 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,303 Hello.
342 00:15:17,399 --> 00:15:19,859 H-H-H-H-Hey. Time's running out, Scherbotsky.
343 00:15:19,946 --> 00:15:21,278 Last chance for the lemon law.
344 00:15:21,369 --> 00:15:22,394 Leave me alone.
345 00:15:22,485 --> 00:15:25,323 4:56, 4:57, 4:58...
346 00:15:25,403 --> 00:15:27,269 We're only just getting to know each other.
347 00:15:27,382 --> 00:15:29,339 Say I'm right and this could all be over.
348 00:15:29,427 --> 00:15:31,599 This could be your call from the hospital.
349 00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:32,998 Sorry.
350 00:15:33,637 --> 00:15:37,898 Let me guess-- there's been a crazy accident and you have to go.
351 00:15:37,985 --> 00:15:39,988 No, I would never do that.
352 00:15:40,075 --> 00:15:41,563 I don't want to go anywhere.
353 00:15:41,659 --> 00:15:42,883 I'm all yours.
354 00:15:44,228 --> 00:15:47,647 Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money...
355 00:15:51,362 --> 00:15:52,768 - Oh, that was awesome. - I know.
356 00:15:52,856 --> 00:15:53,967 Do it again.
357 00:15:54,152 --> 00:15:56,855 Okay. But this time jump up and I'll swipe your legs.
358 00:16:05,571 --> 00:16:07,944 Look... here's why I should get the place.
359 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,354 You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right?
360 00:16:11,432 --> 00:16:14,855 I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates.
361 00:16:14,953 --> 00:16:17,592 And on top of that, I have to be homeless. Does that seem fair?
362 00:16:17,627 --> 00:16:19,504 Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.
363 00:16:19,633 --> 00:16:20,555 What?!
364 00:16:20,672 --> 00:16:25,153 Woe is me. "I'm not married yet. my ovaries are shrinking." Ted!
365 00:16:25,295 --> 00:16:27,809 If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not.
366 00:16:27,881 --> 00:16:28,886 And you know why?
367 00:16:28,961 --> 00:16:30,617 Because you're irrationally picky.
368 00:16:30,709 --> 00:16:33,746 You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.
369 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,335 - "Anhedonic"? - Anhedonic.
370 00:16:35,433 --> 00:16:37,047 It means you can't enjoy anything.
371 00:16:37,152 --> 00:16:38,167 The hell I can't.
372 00:16:38,257 --> 00:16:40,730 - I'm enjoying this. - I know. This rules!
373 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,746 Hey. I'm sorry I took those swords down.
374 00:16:47,838 --> 00:16:50,831 Dude, that's okay. It lead to this totally rad swordfight, didn't it?
375 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:51,812 Yeah, it did.
376 00:16:56,063 --> 00:16:57,841 You remeer when we first got these swords?
377 00:16:57,931 --> 00:16:59,494 It was the day we moved in.
378 00:16:59,659 --> 00:17:03,235 Congratulations, Marshall, we live in an apartment with swords on the wall.
379 00:17:03,342 --> 00:17:06,360 List of lifelong dreams, you're now half as long.
380 00:17:06,806 --> 00:17:09,271 Crap, I'm missing one of the screws for this table.
381 00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:11,565 Just use this wood glue. It'll hold.
382 00:17:13,247 --> 00:17:14,250 Yeah.
383 00:17:18,186 --> 00:17:22,354 Oh god, I'll be right there. Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go.
384 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,876 My friend's been stabbed with a sword.
385 00:17:25,413 --> 00:17:27,180 Hab Slosi' Quch!
386 00:17:29,164 --> 00:17:31,678 It's a Klingon insult. You have no honor.
387 00:17:32,064 --> 00:17:34,753 You know, if you felt this way, you could've just been upfront.
388 00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:37,520 No, I swear, that was a real call. I just...
389 00:17:37,762 --> 00:17:39,143 Oh, forget it.
390 00:17:42,512 --> 00:17:44,452 I stabbed Lily.
391 00:17:45,099 --> 00:17:47,821 I stabbed my fiancee.
392 00:17:48,332 --> 00:17:52,615 Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancee?
393 00:17:53,791 --> 00:17:55,191 I'm kidding.
394 00:17:55,993 --> 00:17:59,167 Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment.
395 00:17:59,476 --> 00:18:02,176 But you fought so bravely for it.
396 00:18:02,378 --> 00:18:05,798 I wasn't fighting for the apartment, I was fighting for...
397 00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:09,886 I don't know... for everything to stay the way it is.
398 00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:12,478 But I'm not going to get that, so...
399 00:18:12,582 --> 00:18:15,250 seriously, take the place, it's yours.
400 00:18:15,364 --> 00:18:16,785 Is she okay?
401 00:18:17,003 --> 00:18:18,518 They're just patching her up. She's going to be fine.
402 00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:20,976 So get this: I was on a date with this girl, Jackie...
403 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,524 What? You said she's fine.
404 00:18:24,699 --> 00:18:26,719 So anyway, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie...
405 00:18:26,902 --> 00:18:30,172 Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression.
406 00:18:30,290 --> 00:18:36,110 I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie... oh.
407 00:18:37,629 --> 00:18:41,676 Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to lemon law you.
408 00:18:42,848 --> 00:18:44,749 It's out there. It's a thing.
409 00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:46,667 The lemon law is a thing!
410 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,771 Damn, I should've called it Barney's law.
411 00:18:48,853 --> 00:18:51,543 - But you totally... - Just let him have this one.
412 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:54,624 All set.
413 00:18:54,730 --> 00:18:59,133 She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed roundtable?
414 00:19:00,919 --> 00:19:01,914 That's us.
415 00:19:04,138 --> 00:19:06,356 A swordfight?
416 00:19:06,552 --> 00:19:08,285 - Sorry, Lily. - Sorry, Lily.
417 00:19:08,677 --> 00:19:11,718 On Monday, I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class,
418 00:19:11,799 --> 00:19:14,202 who I teach not to run with scissors,
419 00:19:14,288 --> 00:19:18,562 that my fiance ran me through with a frickin' broadsword.
420 00:19:19,065 --> 00:19:22,892 Well just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
421 00:19:23,015 --> 00:19:28,472 I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?
422 00:19:29,115 --> 00:19:30,347 You're right.
423 00:19:30,674 --> 00:19:31,993 I'm sorry.
424 00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:36,047 We were fighting to see who gets the apartment, and I won.
425 00:19:36,132 --> 00:19:37,653 Uh, you didn't win.
426 00:19:37,749 --> 00:19:39,886 I... gave it to you.
427 00:19:39,991 --> 00:19:43,395 Wait, wait, wait. I don't want that apartment.
428 00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:45,916 It's a boy apartment. It's...
429 00:19:46,027 --> 00:19:49,175 full of swords and video games and...
430 00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:51,600 kind of smells like dude.
431 00:19:53,741 --> 00:19:57,336 I mean, it's fine for now, but when we get married,
432 00:19:57,509 --> 00:20:00,183 I want to start a new life with you...
433 00:20:00,288 --> 00:20:02,150 in a new place.
434 00:20:03,533 --> 00:20:05,853 Gonna miss the old place.
435 00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,631 I will, too.
436 00:20:08,105 --> 00:20:10,471 But we're not going to get married for, like, a year.
437 00:20:10,579 --> 00:20:12,657 Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem.
438 00:20:12,741 --> 00:20:14,247 Let that guy deal with it.
439 00:20:14,529 --> 00:20:15,635 Totally.
440 00:20:16,128 --> 00:20:20,079 Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking, but I'm starving.
441 00:20:20,466 --> 00:20:22,163 Let's go get some dinner.
442 00:20:22,510 --> 00:20:24,305 I know just the place.
443 00:20:25,571 --> 00:20:27,842 Chinese restaurant. I still don't believe it.
444 00:20:27,933 --> 00:20:29,291 I told you.
445 00:20:29,730 --> 00:20:31,214 Hey, a toast.
446 00:20:31,994 --> 00:20:34,685 Life is full of changes.
447 00:20:34,812 --> 00:20:38,091 One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings.
448 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,347 But the important stuff doesn't change.
449 00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:42,667 To the important stuff.
450 00:20:42,770 --> 00:20:43,179 Here, here.
451 00:20:43,272 --> 00:20:44,496 - Cheers. - Cheers.
452 00:20:45,592 --> 00:20:47,108 And to the lemon law.
453 00:20:49,118 --> 00:20:50,013 Self click.
454 00:20:50,994 --> 00:20:53,333 And by the way, I bought these glasses.
455 00:20:53,429 --> 00:20:55,175 Bought them at Ikea.
456 00:20:55,291 --> 00:20:56,849 These are my glasses!
457 00:20:57,444 --> 00:21:00,166 I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.
458 00:21:00,358 --> 00:21:03,750 And I'm pretty sure this is a mix tape you made me in sophomore year.
459 00:21:03,855 --> 00:21:05,210 Yeah, right.
460 00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:08,445 Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.
461 00:21:09,821 --> 00:21:11,076 I love you, Lily.
462 00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:13,409 Happy Valentine's Day 1997.